To not give my liar boyfriend yet another chance

My close friend just said that when he started therapy I knew it would be a long and hard journey and I accepted him back, so she thinks it's unreasonable to throw in towel at the first lie... Why does your friend care more about your partner's well being than about yours? You're not an emotional support system, you're a human being and you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. You have every right to leave any romantic relationship for any reason and it sounds like you've fully realised that this one is negatively impacting your own emotional/mental health.

Also keep in mind, if you're feeling guilty and responsible: he didn't start therapy for you. Getting professional help was the right and necessary thing for him, and it sounds like it's already paid off a lot in self-understanding, if not yet in permanent changes to behaviour. What he gains if he sticks with it will benefit him in every area of life, possibly including with a future partner that may not be you. Some therapists would say he'd likely make more progress with his issues if he's single and therefore focused on the process rather than being distracted by what you'll think or want or need.

(Ed for typo - changed > changes.)

I used to have a friend who had similar behaviour. Its one of the reasons why we are no longer friends. What kind of childhood trauma causes behaviour such as this?

He deliberately lied to make himself look better. If she had asked a question about any of these things he could have just declined to answer.

" Should I give him another chance? "

What, at lying to you the first chance he gets? Yes, sure, you go ahead. Why not.

Sounds like my ex husband. You just can’t trust people who lie all the time. Get rid - you didn’t cause it, and you certainly can’t cure it.

My youngest DD has a tendency to reactively lie if she’s put on the spot due to childhood trauma at the hands of my exH. She’s had therapy to address this but I also have to be very careful how I phrase things so as not to make her feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights. You understand why he does it … why does it matter to you if he goes to the office or not?

Run…

He persists in lying to you: what trust can there be when he lies over such minor shit as not going to the office? He’s broken your trust AGAIN.

I think you posted about this some time ago. Nothing seems to have changed so what's the point to be with him.

I saw this quote on instagram today -
“Apologise without changed behaviour is manipulation”

one of Mumsnet’s brilliant life lessons -
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them”

Simply put -
“Actions speak louder than words”

Don't waste another day of your life on this liar.

That's an insane way of viewing it. If it's none of her business or her bf doesn't want to answer he can just say that. There is no excuse for lying.

You posted last month right? You got lots and lots of advice about ending it then.

Totally appreciate you wanted to give it another go but I suspect if you do again, you'll be back here posting the same in another few weeks. He's clearly got a problem. But it's also not your problem to solve.

The more you say you're going to end it if he lies and then don't, the more you're telling him it's okay to do it.

Good luck

He should do the therapy and the work, and then maybe you guys get back together then, when he's ready for a relationship. He isn't ready now because he has work to do on himself.

I think the bit your friend is missing op is that he should do this therapy FOR HIM and you should end it FOR YOU. It's not for you to be his motivation and to stick around and wait and tbh no good friend is going to be advocating that you waste time waiting on someone who's untrustworthy even if they are self improving, when you could go out and find someone who's already trustworthy now. It's not your job to fix him. It's his job to fix himself and make sure he's ready to be in a healthy relationship before he gets into one.

A leopard doesn't change its spots.

Lying has become such an ingrained habit with him that he will lie about anything and everything, however trivial. He's addicted to it.
It is going to take years and years of therapy for him to get to the bottom of why he does it, and to train himself to stop doing it. And that's if he wants to. In the meantime, he will continue to lie to you.

He says he's started therapy, but can you believe him? If he actually is seeing a therapist, how will you know whether he is telling the therapist the truth or not? How will you know whether he is telling you the truth about anything?

I'm sorry, but I couldn't put up with it.

And OP said she asked those things? Or he just told lies for no reason? A partner who lies isn't a good partner, end of.

Don't be daft, op. Love isn't everything, as you've already learned the hard way. He's a liar, he can't be trusted, and his baggage is going to ruin your life. Get shot of him.

Having been in a similar position - the lying about pointless things likely comes from a need to protect from anyone seeing what he perceives as the worst parts of himself, he wants to be a better person and talks himself into another version of himself which doesn’t actually match up to the reality of his life. Childhood trauma has a lot to answer for.

But however sorry anyone feels for him for not being able to live up to the person he wants to be (and pretends to be) you are not his emotional support human. You do not have to accept the way he is and your friend is wrong for trying to shame you into acceptance.

If this was a man wanting to know a woman's weight, how much she earned and why she was working from home he would be slated. None of OPs business.

End the relationship and go back when you see improvement.
That gives him incentive to work harder at change

It's her business when she is being lied to, raise your bar.

I think you've posted before about your boyfriend OP.- i remember your story.

I'm sorry but I don't think he will change and you have been really forgiving with him . I think it's best for you to end the relationship for your own good.

This.