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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not give my liar boyfriend yet another chance

65 replies

Mulber · 01/08/2024 15:03

My ex lied to me on multiple occasions. We're both in our 30s and were together for almost 2 years.

We met online. He lied to me about his weight initially and sent me a very old photo. I overlooked this as we hit it off when I met him in person.

He then lied to me about his salary. 3 times actually. He's on 10k less than what he initially told me.

Again, just small, inconsequential things I thought. He'd also hide some details or twist the truth on top of this.

The very last incident was he's been telling me he's going in to the office (he works hybrid), but I caught him at home one day he told me he was in the office. He then confessed that he was doing this from time to time when he felt unmotivated to go in and didn't want to look lazy. He had been doing it for a year. I ended the relationship.

All of his lies relate to the bad light he sees himself in and shame he feels. He lies to come across as a better person in his mind. He started therapy immediately (couldn't afford previously but loaned some money from his family) and asked for another chance.

Turns out his childhood trauma is causing almost an automatic lying reaction. He's been trying to address this and I was trying to give him some space.

Yesterday the same thing happened... Told me he was in the office but he was actually at home. He wasn't coming clean straight away either this time unlike other times, thinking I'd end it. Well, I did end it when I found out he lied to me about the SAME THING that caused our breakup only a month ago.

Today I received a very heartfelt message, taking all the accountability. Saying that I was a great partner and never put him in positions to lie but he did so unprompted and that he's ashamed. He says he loves me and is trying so hard and it was the only lie he told me in the last month. He's asking for one last chance.

I love him soooo much and it hurts so bad because I miss him and though I was going to settle with him. But I don't think this relationship is good for me.

My close friend just said that when he started therapy I knew it would be a long and hard journey and I accepted him back, so she thinks it's unreasonable to throw in towel at the first lie... What do you think? AIBU for not giving him ANOTHER chance?

OP posts:
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Goldcushions2 · 07/08/2024 13:56

pinkgirl2018 · 07/08/2024 08:45

I have a different view. I think he doesn’t feel safe with you to be himself. That’s partly trauma but I wonder if you are also a bit too judgy with him? I wonder if it’s just him that needs to have a look at what’s going on behaviourally. If you love him, help him.

Men are NOT projects for women to spend THEIR one precious life fixing.

Screw that.

powershowerforanhour · 07/08/2024 10:11

"I think he doesn’t feel safe with you to be himself. That’s partly trauma but I wonder if you are also a bit too judgy with him? I wonder if it’s just him that needs to have a look at what’s going on behaviourally. If you love him, help him."

Bollocks.

"If you really love him you'll be able to accept his flaws. That's what love is."

This is bollocks as well (the rest of that post was OK but very different to OPs situation).

I know we're all supposed to debate nicely on threads and not call each other's opion bollocks, but come on. Why blame the OP for a pathological liar doing what pathological liars do? And why expect her to put up with it?

Lying is one of the worst behaviours because you never have the measure of it. It has the potential to really destroy OPs life as well. Suppose he develops a gambling habit. Men lie about that all the time. He could run up huge debts without OP's knowledge and if she's at the point where she has bought a house with him, it could be lost before she knows what's happening.

He could turn out to be one of those people who loses his job but then pretends to go to work every day till the bailiffs are knocking on the door.

What about children...would you trust his word to look after them? Yes darling I've booked her vaccinations. Yes darling I took her for the vaccinations instead of sitting on the sofa. Yes this car seat I got is safe and in date not some old piece of crap my uncle pulled out of the shed. Yes I listened to her reading homework and went through her spellings with her while you were at work.

Andthereitis · 07/08/2024 09:47

You'll be unhappy forever with him.

Cece54 · 07/08/2024 09:29

Boomer55 · Today 09:05
I wouldn’t be with a liar, but working from home is viewed as “being in the office” by many people.

What difference does it make to you where he works? 🤷‍♀️

It doesn't make any difference where he works... it makes a difference if he lies about it though!!! Unnecessary stupid lies that make him untrustworthy.

Boomer55 · 07/08/2024 09:05

I wouldn’t be with a liar, but working from home is viewed as “being in the office” by many people.

What difference does it make to you where he works? 🤷‍♀️

Mischance · 07/08/2024 08:48

Honestly, life is too short to waste even one more second on the waster.

pinkgirl2018 · 07/08/2024 08:45

I have a different view. I think he doesn’t feel safe with you to be himself. That’s partly trauma but I wonder if you are also a bit too judgy with him? I wonder if it’s just him that needs to have a look at what’s going on behaviourally. If you love him, help him.

Jennaxoxox · 07/08/2024 00:46

I'm unsure why your even debating this?! I'm not a fan of liars and this would infuriate me to the point of not liking him at all. Honestly my kids tell less lies than your boyfriend 🤣 It's frustrating that the lies are so unnecessary 😵‍💫. What if one day you really needed to trust what he's saying? Can you trust what he says wont be a lie?

Scottsy200 · 06/08/2024 23:54

Oh is that what he’s saying that his childhood trauma is causing him to lie 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Girl please you can’t seriously be accepting that pile of B.S, leave and get yourself a better man, if you can find one I mean that shits tricky these days but after my last lying cheating scum soul sucking ex I still have a teeny bit of hope that one day someone may be worth it again

HuggingAnIcePack887 · 06/08/2024 23:48

YANBU at all. It's not your job to fix him. He lies. About small things. Small things will become big over time. How can you trust him with your kids? How can you trust anything he says? It will drive you MAD.

Goldcushions2 · 06/08/2024 23:37

OP you love him but you actually really don't know him.

You will never really know him because liars never share who they really are, only today's version.

I cannot fathom anyone accepting long term NEVER being able to trust or believe them.

That's not a love I want.
You deserve better OP and I think you know it.

RedditFinder · 06/08/2024 22:45

My ex lied about being a pilot.
And only fucking me.

Cecillea · 06/08/2024 21:19

My partner has lied for 10 years, it's so draining, we did split up, I took him back worst move ever, I'm biding my time now, so lonely in this relationship, I told him one more lie and he's out, he will do it again and I'll end it.

Lavenderblue11 · 06/08/2024 20:52

Viviennemary · 01/08/2024 15:49

If this was a man wanting to know a woman's weight, how much she earned and why she was working from home he would be slated. None of OPs business.

Show quote history

How do you know that OP asked him all this stuff? He might have volunteered all these details unprompted to make himself appear great to her.

Theotherone234 · 06/08/2024 20:09

Hmm, my husband is a fibber. We've been together 20 years and he's always done it.

I think it's to do with his relationship with his mother in childhood. She'd had stillborn girls before him and I think she couldn't cope, then along came a boy. He will deliberately have a minor accident if he wants more attention (like smacking his thumb with a hammer). I recognise the pattern. In a similar way he lies about stuff if he thinks he might be in trouble, like small boys tend to. Or he lies about stuff to make himself seem like a better person. This is mainly exaggerating stuff he's done.

But

He's not hurting anyone except himself. The family just ignore his small-boy behaviours.

If everyone understands what's happening then it can be dealt with. If you really love him you'll be able to accept his flaws. That's what love is.

But only you know that. X

OldScribbler · 06/08/2024 19:42

Lavender14 · 01/08/2024 15:52

I think the bit your friend is missing op is that he should do this therapy FOR HIM and you should end it FOR YOU. It's not for you to be his motivation and to stick around and wait and tbh no good friend is going to be advocating that you waste time waiting on someone who's untrustworthy even if they are self improving, when you could go out and find someone who's already trustworthy now. It's not your job to fix him. It's his job to fix himself and make sure he's ready to be in a healthy relationship before he gets into one.

Pigs will fly before therapy helps him.

Cece54 · 06/08/2024 19:25

Liars DO NOT EVER CHANGE!!! What is it you love so much about him that being a compulsive liar doesn't put you completely off ?? It's one of the worst traits ANYONE can have and utterly unforgiveable to lie like that. You will NEVER be able to trust him. You only have his word that he's even seeing a therapist, and only his dubious word about how it's benefitting him. You deserve so much more. Please walk away and don't look back.

Iwant20cats · 06/08/2024 19:23

My ex was a serial liar. He would even lie to people while I was standing fright next to him. For instance he would say to somebody that our rent was £70 a week then turn to me to confirm it. I would just nod sheepishly, knowing very well it was only £50 a week. Then he would come home from work telling me a friend was seriously injured and in a coma. I saw the friend 2 days later in fine health. When I tackled him about his lies he would deny he ever said it. Unfortunately I stayed with him far longer than I should have done. It was very draining

Original poster
Mulber · 01/08/2024 21:13

Choochoo21 · 01/08/2024 18:02

but I caught him at home one day he told me he was in the office.

How did you catch him at home?

Perhaps he feels like you are checking up on him and he doesn’t need to tell you whether he’s working from home or the office.

I actually hate liars, so I can absolutely see your POV but I wouldn’t like someone I’m dating to know every detail about my life and feeling like my parent rather than my partner.

It soubds as though he planned to work in the office but then decided against it, which is ok because he’s in control of his own life.

As my post says, he'd been doing it for a whole year. So clearly I wasn't going after him like a detective.

He works hybrid (or I thought he did). And like a normal relationship, I would like to have a general idea where my partner is in a day. Not talking about nipping to the shop or whatever. I'd wake up to his texts saying he's heading into the office...

The way I caught him was he slipped up a couple of times like he gave me a call at lunch one day and it was obvious he's home (no background noise, saying things like 'let me grab lunch and get back home... I mean the office!!'). One of those day I drove to his house because I thought I was going crazy because of his previous lies.

OP posts:
Choochoo21 · 01/08/2024 18:02

but I caught him at home one day he told me he was in the office.

How did you catch him at home?

Perhaps he feels like you are checking up on him and he doesn’t need to tell you whether he’s working from home or the office.

I actually hate liars, so I can absolutely see your POV but I wouldn’t like someone I’m dating to know every detail about my life and feeling like my parent rather than my partner.

It soubds as though he planned to work in the office but then decided against it, which is ok because he’s in control of his own life.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/08/2024 18:01

Mulber · 01/08/2024 17:48

Thanks.

I never directly asked him any of these questions. He either offered up info unprompted or it came up as a natural way of conversation.

I don't think those topics weren't my business though. For instance, we were considering buying a house together next year. Of course we needed to know what each other's on to determine the mortgage cap and therefore our budget... And agreed, he could've always refused to answer at any point and I'd never react negatively (I've always been an easygoing partner).

In his last message he repeatedly say that none that was my fault. I have a clean conscience about how everything went about, also that I tried to hard to make this work.

The more I think about the more I get convinced that I cannot be happy like this, but I love and miss him so much.

Edited
Show quote history

I’m sorry op. Of course those topics were your business. But these are the lies you know about, he could ( and probably is ) lying about so much else. You will never be able to trust him.

LoveSandbanks · 01/08/2024 17:57

I just read something on Facebook that you need to take into your heart. This isn’t a come to Jesus moment I swear.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for damaged men.

He knew he had issues and could have sorted them at any point. Go and find someone who’s already healed. Life is too short to waste on damaged men.

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/08/2024 17:52

Comingupriver · 01/08/2024 17:51

You are not here to fix him. That is not your job or any one else’s. Move on and be happy.

Exactly.

Get rid.

Comingupriver · 01/08/2024 17:51

You are not here to fix him. That is not your job or any one else’s. Move on and be happy.

JohnTheRevelator · 01/08/2024 17:49

Honestly,I would bin him off. He'll only keep doing it. I finished with an ex 7 years ago for the same reason. It was just lie after lie. Sometimes it was inconsequential things,but increasingly it was major things,like him going abroad to see his family, saying he was DEFINITELY going for one month,then 2 weeks in,informing me he was actually staying for 3 months. I got sick of being taken for a fool. The sense of relief when I finished with him was immense.