To think not everything is sensory seeking

Mum of ASD 4 year old.

I think the first thing is it’s okay to feel upset and disappointed that your child has needs that will make his and your life harder.

When nursery raised similar concerns about DS I felt like it was my hidden secret that I wished he was NT. And I felt like I had to keep saying how it didn’t matter to me when it did.

I absolutely adore DS, he’s my world but that news was really hard.

I feel like recently it’s become more acceptable to admit that parenting isn’t always enjoyable which has done lots for the MH of mums and we need to do the same for mums of children with SEN.

Sending love and solidarity OP xxx

Each person, regardless of they NT/ND status has unique sensory preferences. According to some theories, these can be broadly classified into sensory threshold (hyper or hypo sensitivity) and behaviour (sensory seeking/sensory avoidant). This is NOT a pathology. For example, my partner likes loud music, contact sports and bright lights but he is hypersensitive to smell. He nearly threw up the other day when I brewed myself lavender tea. He is 100% NT.
The difference between NT and ND, is that some ND people will have much stronger sensory preferences compared to general population. But it still doesn't make it bad or negative. It is just something to keep in mind and can be extremely helpful in self-regulating.

I understand. I have 4 dc with autism and one without. I was talking to the senco at the secondary school about my non autistic then 10 year old. She asked if he was autistic, I said no and she said "well, that might change". She had a point as some of my dc have been diagnosed older than he is but it was still a shock. I had to remind myself that if he does get diagnosed with autism later on, he won't suddenly change personality. So all the things he can do that his brothers can't will still be there.

Sorry you're being invalidated a lot her OP. I get what you're saying. You were just saying your little boy loves stroking his mummy's arms, something lots of children like doing and that sounds like a really sweet lovely close moment for the two of you. And it was immediately painted as an extension of being neurodivergent, a symptom of way of coping with this rather than just a normal sweet exchanged between parent and child. Causing you to look back at it perhaps and think 'wow, I thought that was just something we both enjoyed... turns out it's because of his ND??' and doubt yourself.

FWIW lots of really normal behaviour is medicalised and as soon as a child is thought to be ND, every single thing they do is related to that in some way even when it's something lots of kids do. It's really okay to feel how you do here.

Try to hold on to the sweetness as well as recognising the sensory part of it. It IS sweet. DS gives big squeezey hugs: it's lovely and also it's a sensory need. It's still lovely to get one. It's useful to also recognise the need because it allows you to offer something to fulfill that needs at the right moments. It's a tool to help.

It sounds like you are in unknown territory and you are getting snippets of information about your little one without a full context.

Sometimes not having the full story is twice as scary as having diagnosis. Having security of our children's futures is what all parents want.

It's hard, I'm 10 years into it, my son was diagnosed at 3. What I will say is be glad this has been picked up early because the undiagnosed children struggle so much. I see it in my voluntary work and it's heartbreaking. Early diagnosis is key and when you learn more about it, it won't feel so overwhelming. I strongly recommend you out find an "understanding autism" course. I did all the courses I could find and they were a great help. My son is my 2nd too, born 13 years after my first and in my 40's. It's been a tough journey but we are in a good place now. Keep going

My DS is 5, he's under the Senco at school. He sensory seeks too. There isn't much useful info around about it. We had a review with our local occupational therapy service who helped us recognise when he's sensory seeking because of being overwhelmed, and put some strategies together to calm him down at those points. Perhaps this is something you could be supported to do too?

We have a weighted blanket, poppits and chew toys that all help him regulate himself. Obviously your ds is a bit younger but there are lots of ideas out there.

But he won't do it to a stranger he will do it to you and safe adults it's still a sweet thing

I can see how it might be a bring-down when your child strokes your arm and you think 'ahh how sweet' and then some childcare pro tells you it's “sensory seeking”.

It's not a negative spin at all, it's a normal part of autism. My son throws things. Quite honestly I wish he stroked my arm.

I do think you may need to try and reframe your thinking a little.

I'm Autistic, as is DD. If she wants to stroke my arm, then I know that it's because she loves me, feels safe, it's comforting and helps her relax. It absolutely is also sensory seeking. And there's nothing wrong with that.

There are various words and phrases we all use for doing comforting and nice things. 'Pampering' 'Self Care' and 'Comfort Food' spring to mind.

Try not to think of it as labels, as you will drive yourself crazy.

I do understand that acceptance of ND 'differences' take time. It's all about adjusting and being realistic. It was perhaps easier for me to do this as I'm Autistic too so I get it. (And I'm very pragmatic)

Be kind to yourself.

Read the room a bit and gently, give over.

I get it OP. You see it as a sign of affection so it being described as sensory seeking must have felt dismissive. But I am sure it can be both things together!

@Tiggersjo8 is he being seen by SLT for speech delay? Not every child with a speech delay is autistic, it's such a wide spectrum. Sounds like they're very quickly jumping to autism without even giving any time

I mean, they are seeking a sensation, so it IS sensory seeking 🫤.

Whyh are you offended by the terminology? Is it because you associate the term with disorders such as autism? Do you see this as a negative? Sensory seeking is perfectly normal. It’s just a descriptor that lets you recognise what your child may need.

Oh OP. Big hugs. Yes, it’s a blow to the guts. Everyone just wants their child’s life to be charmed and easy. I felt like I was being plunged into freezing water over and over. My only advice is lean in. Lean in as far and as hard as you can.

I have been where you are and the initial comments included “he’s quite self contained” and “check his hearing because his responses are not the same as his peers” (hearing is fine)

It took me years to be able to accept the road we were on. But something clicked and I realised he is still the same little gorgeous boy he always was and that’s that.

I really feel for you.

I bet.

Do you want to share more? I don't have much experience myself but there's a wealth of knowledge on here.

Likewise, don't feel you need to share if you don't want to.