Is it normal for DC to stay at their grandparents?

I also would add that I was a child who spent every weekend at my grandparents and lots of time during the holidays too. But my parents who chose that for me do not want to do any childcare. It seems to be quite a common theme in my age group to be honest. It's sad. I loved time with my grandparents.

It is unreasonable to ‘expect’ grandparents to help out, yes. If they want to, great. But only if they enjoy it and feel able. They did their years of looking after small kids when they had their own small kids. They shouldn’t be ‘expected’ to provide care for yours.

I get that it’s hard, but you’re the parent and you chose to have children. They are not the parents and they shouldn’t be under obligation to give you a weekend off. I’m really sorry but this isn’t their problem to fix.

People tell me I'm very lucky that my mum helps with after school childcare. They are right, I am. But they all have supportive husbands, and I'm a single parent. So I don't empathise with them I'm afraid! Be grateful for what you do have.

Different people do things differently. My DC stay at one set of GP sometimes in school holidays, GP volunteer and enjoy having them.
The other side we see one GP all together due to distance DC staying on their own wouldn't be practical. The other GP we don't see much as they are not interested. So a complete spread in one family.

My main points about your situation are to ask for help but also that you don't want someone looking after your dc that doesn't want to do it.

Can your DH do more to help? Do you have joint tactics/plans?

Eg could DH put your youngest to bed, so milk just isn't an option?

I'm sorry op and I say this as someone who struggles for help for similar but different reasons.

You have a high needs child who screams and has meltdowns, who isn't able to share, who isn't able to control their emotions. You have a breast fed child who won't sleep without breast. You cannot expect anyone to do that bar you AND YOUR HUSBAND. He's the one who needs to step up. I'm so sorry you're struggling but this is something he needs to support and help with. Very few people get help with complex kids which is shit but true.

My sister, cousin & I stayed with our grandparents every Saturday night and during the school holidays we would all go to her caravan for the full six weeks. I am lucky that my parents do exactly the same. Our son stays out every Saturday and he goes away with them both in the UK & abroad. My in-laws have him twice a week after school. I hope I'm in the same position to help him when/if he has children. I know that our parents don't view it as 'childcare' though and more spending time with their grandchild.

It's a really sad world when you are 'entitled' for hoping for support from your own family. My dc will never have to feel that way about me.

It’s not up grandparents to take care of your children. You’re being unreasonable and entitled.

My kids are 5 (with ASD) and 3. My parents aren't close but I never expect help from them. They will help if they can but the kids are tiring and my parents are not getting any younger. I take it as a bonus that we have someone who can sometimes take them if needed.

I get it, it's really hard sometimes and I never expected our kids to have additional needs but this is where we are and i don't expect help from family for the situation we are in. What I do expect is more holiday provisions for SEN kids but that's another story!

Given your child’s additional needs they perhaps feel that they couldn’t look after him ‘properly’?
None of our GPs are local but they will come and stay and look after the kids, or have them when we visit. It is tough when there’s no family around.
If you need a break you’re going to have to look to your DP to take some time off and have the eldest.

I adore my gcs, we look after them regularly and have done since they were born.They occasionally sleep over or we stay at theirs while parents go away for a weekend. I hate getting up early but it’s not often.However they were great sleepers and tbh I wouldn’t have wanted to mind a child who was awake half the night or a child who had regular meltdowns. I’m too old and really need my sleep.

My parents used to take my kids on holiday for a week once a year, and often had them over half term and a week in the summer holidays so l could work. They lived 3 hours away, if they lived nearer l expect they would have had them more often, l never asked they always offered and they were both working so took holidays to have my kids.
My ex inlaws on other hand had no interest and never once offered to babysit , that was fine by me as well,.

Did you parents or PIL provide any help when it was just your first child? Did they express any concerns about you having a second child when you already had a child with special needs?

If your child is autistic, would he actually be happy going to stay with his grandparents? My children used to stay occasionally with my parents, but more often we would all go as a family, so that when they did have to stay on their own, it was a familiar environment. Also, my mother was particularly good with small children - not everyone is.

Lot of entitled sounding parents on here.

Yabu they are your kids. I feel for you but it was your choice to have kids...

Apart from when I was hospitalised for haemorrhaging during a miscarriage, my mother never had dc1 or dc2 for more than an hour during the day. She never babysat in the evening. She had my siblings’ children overnight and for days at a time 🤷🏼‍♀️
My MIL babysat once, when we came back at 9pm after 2 hour out, she was standing at the door with her coat on. I never asked her again.

None of us ever stayed at my paternal grandparents (my maternal grandfather and his partner were very rarely seen despite living within 10 miles), although I did enjoy spending time with my paternal grandmother, she was lovely despite a horrible life with my grandfather.

I used to go and stay with Grandparents in the holidays and it was a treat. It's a shame that your children's Grandparents aren't willing to have them or at least your older DS but maybe they'll be more willing when the children are older? It may be that they are not confident that they could manage your DS's meltdowns and feel anxious about it. Could you have a chat with them about it? They might be more willing to help if you explain that you're finding it a struggle.

I wish all grandparents helped out, it would make parenting so much easier. My parents live locally. They have only had one child, once for 3.5 hours. They said they didnt wish to do it again, because she cried. Intead of interacting with the toddler or distracting her, they chose to ignore her. They left her to cry, for hours! They are now teens, and didn't shed a tear when nanny died because they didn't really know her. Grandparents cannot have it both ways, they can't refuse to help but expect to be bonded with grandchildren. Because when grandparents detach, the same happens from the grandchildren too.

A night every week or fortnight is a hell of a lot!

YABU to expect childcare.

BUT, I think it's normal for family to help each other to some extent. Things do sound very difficult for you. Is there something you could ask the grandparents for that would ease things a little? Would your eldest cope with a few hours with them? Or could the baby go for a few hours in the day when they don't need to feed or sleep?

I think expecting them to take both or do overnights may be a bit much, but I would see if you can think of something doable that would help.

My parents would never babysit my child or help out, if they did they would expect payment at at least the market rate for a nanny. On the other hand my own grandparents did a huge amount of the parenting for my parents and expected nothing for it.

Different grandparents take different approaches and it’s up to them, the parents should not expect anything. Agree with OP that it would be lovely to have more support, but ultimately I chose to have a child and therefore don’t think others (including my parents) have a responsibility to help.

My paternal grandparents used to babysit me and I'd stay over. It wasn't every week or every fortnight but it was regularly and I loved it. My mums sister lived near the coast and I would stay with her for a week during the holidays regularly.

My dad kept a diary and I can see how often I stayed at my aunts or grandparents while my parents went to a show or did some decorating.
When my son was born I lived very very close to my parents and they were happy to babysit a lot which was obviously great however, my son was a terrible sleeper and they didn't want a disturbed nights sleep. I would have been forever grateful if they would have just had him overnight occasionally so my husband and I could just sleep but no. He was 10 years old the first time he slept there.
My grandson took after my son re sleeping so my husband and I suggested we had him on a Friday night ( we were both working full time) which meant that my son could get a full nights sleep and we could catch up on Saturday night.
My parents absolutely idolised my son but not ever giving us a night's break did affect how I thought about them. Of course it's not obligatory to look after your grandchildren but when I read my dads diary back and see how often I stayed with other family members I think it would have been lovely had they offered to help.

I think it's a bonus if grandparents want to do it, not an expectation that they should.

I think it varies so much and has to be led by what the grandparents are comfortable with. My parents are amazing and have my DS a lot for childcare in the day but they don't do sleepovers apart from very rare special occasions. I wouldn't push them to do something they aren't keen to do but understand your desperation.
Could you say your struggle and ask if they could help with some options e.g. take one child for an afternoon or spend the day together so you can focus on one child and them the other but your still in the house if he gets upset? Or maybe they don't want to do childcare but could help in others ways? Financially or doing some housework or cooking to help you out.