Is it normal for DC to stay at their grandparents?

I think that's harsh. I don't think grandparents owe anyone childcare, but I also think it's pretty harsh not to help your adult child when they're struggling

Yes, I agree. I've even helped out neighbours in the past who were struggling, so I can't imagine not helping my own children out with my grandchildren. No, there's no obligation, but I love my children and if they were struggling, I can't imagine thinking 'not my problem, I've done my parenting', if I'm able to.

It's entirely normal over here where I am.
I'll be at a festival this weekend and my daughter will be at my parents.
My sisters children were with them two weekends ago.
And my siblings and cousins spent a lot of time with grandparents.
Of my daughters' friendship group, 3 have gone away to spend a fortnight with grandparents in different parts of the UK.
And aunts and uncles are also always swapping children so everyone gets some downtime during the school breaks.
It really is only on MN that people seem so averse to the idea of the village.

How often did you stay with your grandparents ?

If hardly never then perhaps they are just giving you the same experience they had ?

Some hard comments here. Yes OP made the choice to have children but she didn't choose to have a ND child. She is allowed to be finding it hard that doesn't make her unreasonable. However it is unreasonable to assume grandparents should automatically be helping. If they don't want to be involved that is their choice but I'd be asking why. Is it the ND? If so could they have baby possibly so you could have two hours 1vs1 with the eldest? Might allow a bit of breathing room with the constant meltdowns over not understanding the younger ones needs.

OP if budget allows do you have any SEN summer holiday groups locally? Allow you some respite for a day or two a week until he is back at school. Alternatively reach out to nurseries as usually they have adults trained in SEN that may want extra money through babysitting.

They may find it hard, but it's generally easier to cope with for one day than it is every day. That's not to say grandparents are at all obliged to help out, but there is a difference.

How is your relationship with your parents/DHs parents? Do they work? Are they in good health? If you have a good relationship with them, then you could ask them if they could help you as you're struggling.

I hope things get easier for you. 💐

You're going to get a hard time on here, OP. The consensus on MN is that you're "entitled" for wanting help. I do think it's wrong to expect or demand help with childcare from anyone, including GP's. But I also come from a family where the default is to want to help each other out in any way that we can, including with the kids. When my DC have their own families I want to help and support them as much as I'm able to. Every family is different though, and my kids have one set of very involved GP's and one set who are indifferent to them.

My parents were really supportive and my son stayed with both my mum & my dad/stepmum for overnights & days. They would often ask to have him and enjoyed that time. Same as me staying with grandparents when I was growing up. My in-laws have never been interested so never babysat or anything at all. It’s different for every family is suppose but I loved sleepovers with my grandparents when I was a child and I’m glad that my son also had that special relationship with my parents

I think that's harsh. I don't think grandparents owe anyone childcare, but I also think it's pretty harsh not to help your adult child when they're struggling.

In six years we've had 3 weekends of childcare from our parents, and paid FT nursery for two DC, but I know if I were in OP's shoes our parents would be trying to help in some way, even though they don't live near us.

That might not be in the form of childcare, but I'm sure there's something they can do - even if it's just giving OP a hand on some of the days her DH is at work.

DS is currently on holiday with PIL (UK) and likes to stay overnight, but both sets of grandparents live over an hour away so it's not regular, probably a few times a year and usually if we have another commitment or for a few days in the summer holidays while we are at work

@VickyEadieofThigh maybe not in this case but would they not want to give their own child a bit of a break? For them it would be a few hours of stress, for their daughter it's 24/7. Everyone is different but I could never imagine letting my children struggle like that if I were physically able to help out now and then.

So the screaming goes through you, and you want the GPs to take them one weekend a month? Sorry, but I wouldn’t be signing up for that either. GPs have done their parenting, ie of you, if they don’t want to be hands on with your kids that’s their right, not something they should be criticised for.

The fact that the OP finds managing her own children difficult suggests their grandparents wouldn't find it especially joyful...

We have DS6 and DD3. Both sets of parents looked after DS one day a week each before he started school, now they have DD one day a week each. We are very very grateful for this help and so never ask for anything else.
Overnights would be too much for them.
We do all have lots of lovely days out together and visits as a family though.

I have a 5 year old and two sets of local grandparents. They're brilliant with her and we visit them all regularly (weekly). She's never stayed over with anyone else though, mostly because she doesn't sleep and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else! My parents still work full time and my in laws are in their 70s. They are happy to take her for a few hours here and there though if we need it.

There is a view on MN that if you need help or support with anything you must be entitled or expecting too much. That nobody owes you anything, which to an extent is true I suppose.

However in reality most people do want to help people that they love if they are able. For many grandparents spending time with their grandkids is a joy. And if they don't want overnight or whatever then fine, but I would be genuinely over the moon if mine would just say they'd take my kids for a few hours so I could get a few bits done or, heaven forbid, relax for a while.

Sorry but if you find it hard to cope with them, what makes you think their grandparents wont?

Unpopular opinion on mumsnet but I think grandparent help should be the default and if they don't they are shit grandparents/parents.
Just like caring for your children should be the default and if you don't you are a shit parent.

Unfortunately though you can't force people to be good grandparents, just like you can't force people to be good parents.

I cannot imagine not wanting to help my own children out with something, no matter how old they are. I've raised them to know wherever I am they will find unconditional love, support and shelter. Whatever I can do to make their lives easier/better is the starting point for my parenting. And that will extend to my grandchildren too. It's how I was raised and it's how I see my parents with my children now.

I also believe family works both ways, I will do anything for my parents and remaining grandparents, no matter the inconvenience.

It's not normal in our family. My parents were never looked after by their GC's, We were never looked after by our GC's and my nieces and nephews are never looked after by my parents. (my parents are so busy in retirement that their feet barely touch the ground!!)

I had my children late in life and my dm was too old . We never did sleepovers even when I had an operation . Just me and DH . Yes it would have been nice but hey .

I think you may need to look at outside help . Maybe self refer to social services to access befriending services or disability groups . I used to be part of this work and the children with Asd really enjoyed it and it gave the parents much needed respite. All the best

Grandparents here . Very involved with DG . Use to babysit when both her parents worked on the weekends . Long full days on the weekends , and we developed an amazing bond . She also started sleeping over this year and they never lived far . But they have just moved a lot further away because it suits their life style more , so we won’t have her as much and I will miss her .

On the one hand I agree that it shouldn’t be a presumption that they GP should look after kids, as is there right to say ‘I’ve been there done that and find it too much’

however…..

I do think those that have such involved GP are extremely fortunate and it certainly will be more beneficial to everyone all around having the luxury.

Unfortunately as I have found grandparents and family only want to care for "easy' grandkids in lost cases. The parents in DH family with NT kids who really don't need much support get endless help to "give them a break". The other parents whose kids are ND and desperately need support get virtually nothing. My oldest is ND and is much easier now. We now have offers to "babysit" him despite him not actually needing a babysitter now at any point except evening time. We decline and pay a babysitter who we have used for years.

My pil will help out very occasionally with my younger ones (aged 10-13) but only when we are desperate. They have the older ones (aged 16-18) more often (they are so much easier) and they have my nieces (aged 8-10) regularly for childcare and overnight. I would love for my younger ones to stay once a month as they are autistic and don't sleep but PIL understandably don't want to and they admit that they are more willing to look after my nieces because they are much easier.

Never expect someone else to look after a child you chose to have, except when you are paying for it i.e. Nursery / babysitter

I never expected my parents to help. They have done the odd evening stay and of course our go to in emergencies but nothing on a routine basis.

I've learned to make life easier for myself. For instance I never pursued long term breast feeding but encouraged both my kids to bottle feed and hold the bottle independently. Little things like that make a HUGE difference. You'll find something that works for you x you're doing a great job