Is it normal for DC to stay at their grandparents?

Why don't they have a duty to help ? What's the reason ? Let their daughter sink from the pressure is better ? Seriously not having a pop at you just want to understand why there's no duty to help this woman out ? And I don't mean step in and take the kids every night but even an offer of something like a couple.of hours ?

My kids grandparents have always been very involved.
my youngest will go for a sleepover about 1x month, the older one doesn’t like sleepovers so he stays home. otherwise we see them multiple times per week.

Aside from sleepovers etc , it’s sad to hear that your parents and your partners parents can see you struggle and not act to help even in small ways. If you haven’t already , I’d make sure you communicate with them how tough things are at present. they may find taking the children for long periods too
much but I wonder if there are things you could suggest that might help you out abit.

How are they supposed to get your ds to sleep ?.Yes it's nice if they offer but it's up to them .I was lucky my dm did and I do have my dgc but seldom overnight as parents din't wish that .But it was and is to help out cos of work commitments .

All I am saying is no parent has a right to expect grandparents to take on childcare. It's nice if they do, sure, but they don't have a duty to do it.

This is so nice. Bless your sons and your inlaws . Really lovely hear to such a positive story . Xx

You’re unreasonable to expect them to provide childcare, it would be nice if they offered of wanted to but you can’t ask or expect that.

Similar to me. I do two days a week ( 1 for each of my children) and sleepovers in the holidays. My husband is very hands on but it does take a while for us a while to recover. OP, I could not cope with having your two children at the same time. Could you ask if they will take one of them?
It is completely your decision how long you want to breastfeed for but if you want to stop, could you ask if they take the older one for a couple of days while you do? It usually just takes 2 days of screaming at night before they accept it.
As parents of young children you have to accept that administration and jobs round the house are not done.

I do feel very sorry for you.

This is just harsh. Why wouldn't you want help ? And help from your parents of all ppl? It's different when you're in the thick of it. An outsider will come in and take the heat off that parent and it's just a form of support.

Op I think your parents and inlaws are selfish. If you can't help your kids then who will you help. You're not asking them to move in and take the kids full time ... you're asking for some help. Op can you explain this to your own mum at least and ask what's the bare minimum she can do to give you some support. Wishing you all the best and I hope things improve op.

Speaking as a grandparent myself, I wouldn’t be able to confidently manage your children overnight. How old are your parents? I’m 65 and reasonably fit, I do babysit my GC but I’m exhausted after a few hours with a 2 year old and it takes me a day to recover after a sleepover.

We have overnights every couple of months with grandson - it would probably be a little be more if he wasn't such hard work, but we both work full time still and SD generally expects us to both collect him and drop him off afterwards (it's a 50 minute each way trip) so that makes it harder. OP - sorry but I probably wouldn't want to look after either of yours for more than a couple of hours due to baby still breastfeeding and older child being challenging.

My in-laws used to take my DC for a week every year in the summer holidays. My in-laws lived by the seaside so kids couldn't wait to go. Mil cooked all their favourite meals and both mil and fil took the week off from work and took DC out somewhere nice every day. My younger son once cried when we went to collect them. My kids were not even their biological DGC. Now my kids have grown up and my fil sadly died and my mil old my 2 DS's drive 140 miles each way to go to visit my mil who is Nan to them and take her a bunch of flowers or take her out for a cream tea. If dgp care for kids when they are young the DGC grow up and give back.

Won't they take one child for a an hour or two?
I can fully understand why they wouldn't want a baby and a difficult 5 year old (or in fact any children with such an age gap) but either one on their own would still give you a break.

I can understand your parents being worried about having both DC together as you are struggling to manage yourself. Have you asked if they could take baby for a couple of hours so you could focus on autistic DC.

My grandparents were open house for us 3 and I honestly would have had a shabby childhood without them.
I'm a believer in it takes a village to raise a child
My own kids haven't had close grandparents.
As a gran I've always tried to have my gran as my role model but I don't know how she did it.

I think a lot of GPS are just selfish. What is life about if it's not about family. But I know plenty who just don't.
Yanbu OP.

Have you talked to your parents and in-laws about it and asked? I think that having the 5 year old on their own could be manageable for them, but certainly not the two together.

Out of interest, how do parents of autistic children deal with the sibling issues going forward? Your one year old is going to want to get his hands on the older ones toys for many years to come. In a NT situation, there would an expectation of sharing most toys (maybe not some very precious ones) but will an autistic child share? I honestly have no idea.

Maybe the GP's will come good when the children are older and easier.

Sadly you can't expect help. Getting respite/a TA is a good idea, plus getting more support from her partner.

Your eldest is controlling the home environment. Sometimes it takes someone outside of the dynamic to point this out, so that changes can be made. Listen to and try these changes.

I say this as a parent of three, one autistic.

Remarried and now a step grandmother. Have had two overnights so far. Absolutely lovely, but it is exhausting. We say 'how on earth did we manage this when we were younger?!' We're all getting older and they've had their parenting years x

i dont think grandparents should be expected to help with childcare, but as a grandparent myself i would and do want to help my DD.

have you had an actualy conversation with them? and if i read correctly DD is 5 and is still breast feeding is that correct? or have i missed a child somewhere? how are GP going to be able to deal with that?

perhaps you could ask for help which is other than childcare.. maybe help with some chores, or even just an hour here and there?

The screams probably go through her because she hears it all day everyday, I'm not saying it would be pleasant for the grandparents but a fresh pair of ears and patient levels might make it bearable and would probably be better for the child too.

You sound like a lovely grandparent btw.

We are 60 miles away from Gdcs so it’s not a weekly thing, but we usually have the 3 of them for a few days in the holidays. It’s partly because we enjoy spending time with them (though admittedly at my great age I do find it tiring!) but also because it a) gives dd and SiL a bit of a break, and b) since dd and SiL both work full time, it saves quite a bit in holiday club costs.

I think it would be very hard to look after a child with such high needs unless you have been very involved from the very beginning and knows how to handle all the different situations that might come up. I certainly wouldn't take that on unless I was confident I knew how to as I wouldn't want to traumatise the child or make things worse for them.

I think there might be a possibility that they can look after the younger one occasionally if they are young and fit enough but you would need to stop breastfeeding first if that is the method you use to soothe them.

I find that a funny attitude when it comes to family.

Our youngest has significant needs. Mil, BIL, SIL all take her for one night a month each to give us a break. They work it so that someone takes her Friday night and someone else Saturday night. They have one night a month of interrupted sleep, but it means we get two nights a month of sleep.

It's something my MIL and her sisters did for one of their nephews many years ago as well as he just didn't sleep. The vast majority of people can cope with one night of interrupted sleep every now and again and it's such a help and sanity saved for the family members who have the interrupted sleep every single night.

I can't imagine not helping my child if I could in such circumstances

My dm worked long hours as a nurse.
However one week every summer holiday she would get the train to ours and mind my dc.
I finished work at 1pm but she still had to be up and ready for the dc at 7.30 am.

We looked after eldest dgc a lot.
We live too far away to help with DD’s dc so we give financial support instead.
And when they visit we encourage them to go out and leave dgc with us.

I cannot understand any gp’s who choose not to at least babysit monthly if they are able.
So jolly selfish.

Our parents are the same and it pisses me off but I’ve decided to make a point of being independent and doing it myself! I mean they don’t offer so I won’t ask as I don’t want them having my son when they don’t want him!

My daughter is a single parent and works full-time and my grandchild stays over once a week and has done since she went back to work when they were 6 months - they're now 16 and social activities sometimes intervene but their bed is always ready for them. However....I'm not sure I would have coped if I'd been walking on eggshells all the time. I'm sorry you don't get help but, as others have said, if the screams go right through you, how would grandparents manage? X

Grandparent help depends so much on how families are.

It would never have occurred to MIL and late FIL not to be heavily involved with the grandchildren.

My father never met my children. I wouldn't have allowed him to look after a goldfish let alone a child.

It's hard when everyone around you seems to have help and you don't (I found that after I split up with my ex and had our girls as I had no family around). It's just one of those things in life unfortunately