Is it normal for DC to stay at their grandparents?

It is unreasonable to expect grandparents to have children to stay if they won't sleep well or if they are very challenging children like your kids seem to be.
How would they feed DC2 to sleep?
How would they keep DC1 happy with toys in separate area?
Could you gently involve the grandparents in away that is enjoyable for them and the kids and in away that helps them become more familiar with your childrens' needs.

I suggest that you explain to grandparents that you are barely coping and would love some help. You can only ask and see what happens.
Invite grandparents over for a meal more often and to help you with stories and bath time.
Try having grandparents play with DC1 upstairs for an hour.
Try having grandparents take DC2 for a long weekly walk in the pram.
Grandparents could be asked to babysit for short sessions, every week or two at times when your children will cope (and you go walking etc. or focus on just one child).

dc have stayed with my mum a few times, and the in-laws only once or twice. But we don’t really ask because they have sil children so often. The in-laws have sil children at least once a month, sometimes more. She actively encourages it, they look after them a lot in general but always look shattered so we don’t ask unless we really need to.

They would expect to be paid.
That's such a weird idea.

I think a lot of this maybe to go with age and working. Many people used to have kids about 25 ish. Got grandparents were early 50s and many women workedpart time.

A couple of generations down grandparents are either older( over 70 ) or if younger working full time

Well good for you.

My Mum only once had the DC to stay overnight, and she brought them back before 8am the next morning. However, what she did do was come over to my house and help out in the evenings sometimes, so playing with one or more of the DC, helping with dinner, being an extra pair of hands while I was there.
Would any of the GP be able to do that? So reading a story or making something with one of them, leaving you free to focus on the other.

Well I probably wouldn't be looking after grandkids that have meltdowns and scream tbh

Mine are 8 and 5 and have never stayed overnight with grandparents. They haven't offered and I doubt they could manage to get the kids to sleep anyway.

I think weekly or fortnightly childcare is a lot to expect but I am a bit sorry that we never get any overnight care - not even to attend a wedding.

Last year, we had our 10th wedding anniversary while on holiday with my parents and they still didn't offer to babysit.

All families are different and have different capabilities though.

OP's child has autism - a change in routine could spell absolute disaster. My grandparents were in their eighties when I was born -they couldn't have done any kind of regular childcare whatsoever, let alone sleepovers. Some grandparents still work full-time and don't have time for childcare, others still have children at home themselves.

I personally don't feel like it's fair to say it's "sad" that some people do things differently - there's no one way to be a family.

Problem is, I am likely to be late 60s before I have any grandchildren. Sadly I won't actually want to look after them 3 days a week. Not to say I wouldn't be around, help out etc, but being an unpaid nanny will not appeal in the slightest. Unfortunately I think childcare is the responsibility of the parents to address.

@THisbackwithavengeance

You think they could take your eldest DC to the park and for an ice cream for a few hours. You said he's hard work; he'll likely be much less hard work for attentive grandparents when he hasn't got to compete for attention with a baby.

You don't know this though . He may find it hard to cope outside of his normal routine and be even more difficult for his grandparents to cope with eg what if he was to run off ?

I think it's so sad some grandparents/extended family don't have children to stay. I loved staying with my grandparents and aunts and uncles when I was little. And I had my nephew and nieces stay with me and I loved spending time together. In my opinion it's what families are all about.

I feel really torn on threads like this.

On one hand, I think it's natural to want your parents to help out and to expect some kind of support in difficult times, but equally if I found my children as difficult as you seem to find yours, I'm not sure I'd feel it was fair to ask my parents for any kind of help either - you have to be realistic, as upsetting as that can be.

If you're oldest is five and you haven't been offered any help from either side, I think you need to start looking into paid help of some kind if you need some respite, or take the "divide and conquer" approach as much as possible.

So I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset about the lack of support, but I do think at some point you have to get over it and figure out your own solutions.

You’ve almost just agreed with what everyone has said though. You WANT to help and that is amazing, it’s lovely when grandparents want to help out and do these things. Nobody is disagreeing with that.

What people are saying is that grandparents don’t HAVE to, and shouldn’t be expected to. It’s lovely if they want to and offer, but it’s not compulsory or a given.

You want to, so you can and will. Others don’t want to, and don’t have to.

I completely agree. Love people and stories like that. Love and humanity in action and what goes around often comes back around.

Grandparents do our childcare 3 days a week for work plus sleepovers for a wedding/birthday/date night.

I hope to do similar for my kids when their older.

It makes for a much better parenting experience with regular breaks and our family is so close as a result.

I hate the standard MN hoity toity response on this subject that no, grandparents shouldn't be expected to look after DCs or help out in any way and to expect anything at all is unreasonable.

If I thought any of my DCs were struggling, I'd want to help out in any way I could. Isn't that the same for most parents?

My mum certainly went above and beyond helping me when my DCs were little and I'll be sure to pay that forward if at all possible.

You think they could take your eldest DC to the park and for an ice cream for a few hours. You said he's hard work; he'll likely be much less hard work for attentive grandparents when he hasn't got to compete for attention with a baby.

YANBU

Payment?!

That really is shocking.

How old are the GPs? I do think that's an important factor to consider.

My mam had me very young, and I had my daughter even younger. She was only in her 40's when my daughter was little so was very much fit and healthy and still able to run around after a very energetic little girl. DD spent at least one night a week with my mam and dad, if not more. But they were still young, young enough technically to be parents of small children themselves if they'd wanted to, so they were far more equipped to cope.

A lot of GPs are older these days due to women having kids later and later (not a criticism at all, there's a lot to be said for waiting) and expecting people in their 70's or even 80's to be able to cope with even easy NT kids is asking a lot. Your kids sound like hard work (again not a criticism, I'm sure they're also wonderful, lovely little humans!) and might be a lot of strain on older GP. Not that people can't still be sprightly in their 70's, but as a general rule kids are knackering even if you're young and fit.

I am sorry though, it must be so hard feeling like you're doing this all alone.

I’m sorry to hear it’s tough OP: he does sound quite a little master of the house!

I think sometimes things can look different from the outside and the time with GP isn’t always the supportive reprieve it can look like. So one set of our gp visit regularly but there is no way it is about helping. On the contrary, we have to kind of deep clean and prepare a meal or they comment negatively! Then when they come it’s like the royals visiting a nursery or something: we have to make cups of tea, provide a meal and generally update them on what is happening in the DC’s lives. They might request a violin piece to be played or to hear some creative writing from school read. But while it is nice they take an interest, this really isn’t about taking the strain off us for a bit. On the contrary, the minute they are out the door I run a bath and order a takeaway to recover! My friend goes every Sunday lunch to her IL’s but she said on the way there they have to drill the dc on “ what not to mention.” 🤣She can’t wait to get back out the door. We do have done gp support of a more informal variety and it is a lifesaver when they are little; but don’t imagine everyone is answering the door in their oldest greyest feeding bra and handing over a screaming baby to an understanding gp.

My own childhood is different from how my own are raised. I remember long summers spent at my maternal grandmother's house, lots of weekend stays too. Yet I don't get that luxury. 🤔 I have made peace with it now though. Its not meant to be. My parents had two, I have four, so much different in terms with what's manageable. Two have additional needs. Too much to expect ultimately.

When DC were younger they stayed at my parents house around once a month. As they got to primary school age and wanted to play games or interact more DM lost interest and they stopped staying overnight. She recently tried to start it up again now they are late teens and they declined but still spend time with her at our house or lunches out. They have never stayed at MILs as the house is always cold, damp and her hygiene is not the best so they didn't want to and its not somewhere we spend much time. She is a fantastic grandparent and comes to our house to see them.

Did the grandparents stay at your house so you could go out?

You’re struggling to cope. Would they cope?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable under the circumstances for them not to offer. DGCs are hard work for GPs and when the children have additional needs and breastfeeding it would be very difficult. I hope you can get some support OP but don’t think badly of the GPs for not being that support for you at the moment.

I'm so sorry OP but I think that your answer there is that grandparents may find caring for your little boy just too much because of his additional needs, and it would also be difficult with your younger child if he is still breastfeeding .

You have my sympathy because it sounds very stressful for you - but I can understand that for grandparents who have less energy, it would be even harder .

Regarding your question in general, we had limited support from grandparents because as older parents ourselves, our own parents were older and not in the best of health .