DC4 accused of being racist

I’m not sure what your point is or what huge assumption you have assumed I have made.
I grew up in a predominantly Black Country and I know the odd white kid was a rarity and they used to go red and be uncomfortable when they were pointed out for looking different.
I didn’t see a white person until I was in secondary, I don’t go gawking and pointing out the difference like an ignorant person because I was always taught to see human first
I am telling you to teach your kids to be kind because it’s not always about you.

@Olu123 You are making the huge assumption that describing a child isn’t the same as being a kind child at the age of 4! 4 isn’t a child with mature understanding of racism or kindness. Some understand quicker than others of course but not all children develop at the same rate.

I don’t think DD1 saw a black child until secondary. It really depends where you live.

Your child denies anything happened, could there have been a mix-up? The other child naming your DC but that in fact he/she had a problem with another child? Or maybe nothing at all occured and the child was seeking attention?

Sounds to me like the parents of the other child are the issue here. I would approach the school about this as what you have said doesn’t sound right to me. Hopefully they will help you deal with it as it sounds like you’ve done everything right so far. Especially as you are relying on 4 year olds version of events.

You were not there when your DC said he doesn’t like the colour of the other child’s skin, what was the context? Had the other child said something to your DC so he retaliated, (your glasses are ugly/I don’t like your hair/your jumper is silly) they are only 4 yrs old. You said the other parents have spoken to the school, I’m sure the school would have dealt with this appropriately for children that young. Some parents come into school and make a huge fuss.

Great how a lot of people are saying it was a child just innocently noticing a difference and pointing it out.
please realise it’s not just about your child and whatever childishness this was but also about the other child who has to process and deal with being targeted because of their skin colour. This may live with the child for a long time and I know adults who are still traumatised by things like this that happened in their childhood. Teach your children to be kind - please

The kids are 4 so I don't think you need to worry but I can see why the other parents would be really vigilant to racism, it's such a difficult thing that they'll be facing all the time as a family and not sure when and where their child will experience it. Maybe worth a conversation with them so they know you're having genuine conversations with your child. I'm not saying it applies to you but no-one thinks their child is racist and no-one admits they've heard racist talk at home. There is a child in my son's class, he's much older who has said quite a lot of racist things, his mum got annoyed with me because my son called him racist. Do the work anyway, talk about the positives of race, you don't want to make conversations about race shameful and difficult, emphasise positive experiences of people from ethnic minority backgrounds, friends and how you can learn more about other cultures and become comfortable talking about race it's such a positive thing to do because when (and it's not if) they experience other racist people and comments they can make positive choices. For what it's worth I'm mixed race but people don't realise, I frequently hear people say things that they think are ok to say because they're 'safe' there is a lot of racism out there and I think people should take it seriously certainly from junior school age upwards. I can still remember my brother being called a p word when I was about 6, these things never leave people.

Speak to school, if they are unaware ask them to observe.

Say nothing more to the mum. If she broaches it with you explain your child claims it didn't happen and school are aware and have been asked to keep an eye on things. And leave it.

There's not a lot you can do about her gossip. Explain to people if they ask?

If your child did hit this child, it could simply be because they dislike them or something that happened that day but because they have a different coloured skin, everyone jumps to that being the reason when a lot of children don’t even notice skin colour at that age.

One of my son’s best friends has coloured skin and he never mentioned anything about this until they started learning about their bodies in school. He then started saying things about brown skin etc, just repeating what he had learnt in a way that he understood.

I didn't call him that? Did I even say his colour? He could have been white for all you knew! He was demanding a small child and their parents be arrested for racist acts he was easily over six foot tall my friend and I are five foot 2/3 the police were going backwards being confronted by him he was being that aggressive when we suggested to the CSO who had also showed up that we leave she said that was probably a good idea as it might settle him down

I know aggressive when I see it and it does not have colour

Hi op,

deep breath. Gentle hugs.

first, it does NOT reflect bad of you. Your kid is 4. The parents are unhinged to take it further meaning to actually say it is that.

i understand sharing it with you coz you want to know but not as a complaint 🫣

buy a doll to your kid. One with dark skin and model play with it.

good luck 🌺

He's said something, accept it. He doesn't have a clue about the meaning of what he said. You need to watch what you say, others say around him. Make a deal about how wrong racism is, don't tell him off.

When my Dd started school she usex facial colour to differentiate when telling me about her friends, ' he has a brown face' or 'she has a white face' it wasn't malice, she was friendly with all of her classmates, it was just her way of describing them. Maybe it was something like this and it's been misunderstood

Yep my (white) ds suddenly said he didn’t think black people were beautiful when he was little (before school age I think)- half his family is black.

I asked him what he meant what about aunty X and so on but he insisted on it for about 2 weeks- kept bringing it up- then suddenly he stopped saying it and has never said anything about it again (he is 11 now).

He did a similar thing about fat people- I’m very very fat- said fat people weren’t as beautiful as thin people and seemed to have a thing about it then just dropped it.

Neither time did his behaviour change towards the apparently less beautiful- he if anything is over friendly with everyone.

He is very autistic and I wonder whether it was a reaction to noticing a difference suddenly, and once he was used to it he stopped.

When my son was 4 he had a best friend who was Indian. Lovely boy. His other friend (not so lovely) told him he couldn’t play with him because he was brown. I was fuming and told the teacher. The kids mum then phoned me with an attitude (we had been friends prior, she had always said some questionable things about Asian people but I just kept the peace as our kids were friends). In that case it had come from the mum definitely. Children don’t see skin colour, mine certainly never have. And now I have mixed children (half Indian) it is something I worry about constantly. Kids pick up things from the people around them. I’m not saying you, but has your child played with someone who has made a comment about this child’s colour? Has another family member made comments around your child?

Hi
children of that age do not have an understanding of ‘racism’ as a concept. They know right and wrong. So if for example your child had hit a tall child and said they didn’t like them because they are tall that would be comparable at this age. They are singling out a difference if that makes sense. Obviously when a child understands racism then it would be more serious than pointing out someone was tall. I work with older children (secondary age) and I suspended a boy who was 13 for calling a black child a monkey, this is obviously racist and the boy is old enough to understand this hence the suspension. However the parent was very unhappy that I had branded her child ‘racist’ and was quick to point out he ‘had black friends’. I said to her that what he said WAS racist and there is no disputing that but I have not branded her child ‘a racist’ and that she needed to use it as an opportunity to educate him as will the school. I would get hung up on your child being accused of being racist, you’ve spoken to them and they seem to now have a better understanding so you’ve been successful in dealing with it.

wow you must live somewhere secluded or rural where your child is looking at another brown skinned child as ‘other’ and a ‘threat’ this is really sad and has definitely come from an experience or something he’s heard outside of school.
you can’t be mad at the parents either for asking around to see if you’re family are associated with any far right groups

The mother has spoken to the school and the school hasn’t spoken to OP.
The mother could not just stand by whilst her DC is getting attacked and so had to speak to OP herself.

I am quite shocked that the school hasn’t spoken to you beforehand about his behaviour.

Even if this wasn’t to do with race, it is bullying and at 4 years old that is really concerning.

It could potentially be that your DC has heard something racist (doesn’t have to be at home) or just taken a dislike to this child and is blaming the skin colour because he doesn’t want to tell the truth/doesn’t associate being jealous of him with his violent actions.

If he plays with other children of different races then I wouldn’t be too concerned about the racist aspect right now, although things like social stories are really helpful.

Instead I would focus on understanding why he is bullying and fixating on this one child.

Is there a school therapist that can help him unpick his feelings and help him come up with strategies to deal with it instead?

Mostly, when a child describes another child, they find something obvious to describe. This really is NOT how racism starts. It’s using every day words to describe a child. At a later stage this mostly disappears as they learn names and understand more about how another child might be sensitive. Children are not fully rounded people at 4.

Was this in answer to my post?

This is exactly how it all starts…

Of course the “brown man” was just so loud and intimidating…

@mickyhouse All schools must have an Anti Racism policy. It should be on their web site, so read it. This tells you what the school should do if they are aware of racism. It does, of course, have to be age appropriate and any incidents should be recorded. Normally a parent would be invited to see the Head. As you have heard nothing, I would doubt what the parent is saying in this case.

Even if your child had behaved badly towards another child, schools can inform parents if they are concerned. However if it’s a one off (squabble over a ball in the playground) it’s something teachers deal with.

Dc can also say things maliciously because they have been taught to react in this way. They might be at fault but deflect onto others by accusing them of something they might not have done. Experienced teachers would deal with this too. As school have said nothing, I’d just stay vigilant. You cannot do anything about the other parent and most people realise young dc are still learning about the world. School will probably do circle time and talk about not calling names and not fighting!

The mother was completely wrong to approach you. Her first port of call should have been the school, who should have then contacted you.
She should definitely not be going around spreading rumours about you.