MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

I really think that your DH should go too. The timing is awful , or at least see if he can rearrange to fly out to join you on Monday? She will most likely stabilise and it will do him good .

If you would be deeply disappointed in your partner and child going on a planned holiday when you had told them to still go, you would be very unreasonable.

If what you need in that situation is your immediate family there holding your hand then that's fine but you should be able to say so.

There are so many posters here telling the OP to do the opposite of what her husband has said he wants her to do, because they're projecting their own emotions onto a family they don't know from Adam and think they know better.

The whole situation sounds complex, the best thing you can do is go and enjoy this holiday. It sounds like your MIL doesn't deserve the time and money wasted if you and DD didn't go. Go and have fun and take on this big adventure- the worst that happens is you're anxious and choose to stay in your hotel a lot, or you fly home! You can absolutely do this. Be prepared for her death while you're away of course, but if your DH is wanting you to go, then go.

Have a look online at solo travellers- often young women by themselves doing mini breaks, holidays and even months long travelling alone. You're not alone, you have your DD and you are absolutely capable of travelling with her. Show her how brave you can be!

I understand why you are nervous op but you can do this!

I agree completely @Divasaurus , some of these comments are not pleasant to read. "There's nothing you can do", just short of saying "sure she's practically gone already, no point in staying". When my dad was dying I wanted to be nowhere else but by his side, holding his hand. My DH was either with me, sometimes just sitting outside in the car, or he was at home ready to talk, or just give me a hug, when I got home each day. I would absolutely do the same for him.

A holiday is just a holiday, there will be more. Losing a parent is one of the biggest moments of life, it certainly was for me anyway, a holiday in comparison is completely insignificant. Yes of course 'life goes on' but it doesn't have to 'go on' immediately. It's also okay for 'business as usual' to be paused while we deal with impending loss, with bereavement and grief.

I would be deeply disappointed if my life partner headed off on their holidays while I was so deeply sad and worried. It's not about what you can 'do', it's just about 'being there' for your partner.

Go, Santorini is perfect for a mum and DD trip - I’ve been many times and it’s very easy to navigate.

it sounds like your DH is staying for his brother which is admirable but given his brother is saying go I think he should have an honest convo with him and go with you provided his brother is genuine.

at this stage there is nothing to be done for MIL.

I think that you should go, there's nothing you can do here. I certainly wouldn't be considering flying home should she die. As long as your husband is ok with that, then just make sure that your DD enjoys the holiday. In view of your updates that's definitely the way to go.

Go on holiday with your dd. Your dh can stay with his mother.

Speaking from experience here.... my late mother - a great woman- was ill after many small strokes over the years, we never knew when the next one would happen.

There are four children and we (thankfully) were very united in her care/visiting and so on, that can be tricky but we were lucky.

Every one of us had our annual holiday whether Mum was admitted to hospital in a serious condition or not. We all went away when planned and the others took over, but we made sure that there was someone here to look after her and other things in the event.... Mum would not have wanted anything different. She said so. However none of us went away during her final illness and she died within 3 or so weeks. But we knew the end was near.

So I would go as DIL and GD, having visited her first if you can and see her beforehand. There is nothing more you can do really and YOU might resent cancelling if she manages to survive longer than your holiday. Life really does go on.

Let your husband make his own decisions. If he wants to stay, then stay. I think he will regret it if he doesn't and will forever feel the guilt.

My family were in this situation last year - it was our dad. My brother decided to still take his family away, and we all agreed it was the right decision. He couldn’t have done anything if he was here, and he didn’t want to let his children down. If your DH doesn’t want to go, that’s fine, but I do think if he thinks you should go then you should. It might be for the best, get the kids out of the house so if the worst happens he can grieve in peace.

Having just read your last post
I think DH should go too
I understand about FOG, but if she was abusive she wouldn't have wanted him to have a lovely holiday!

Yes do go. She wouldn't want you to miss your holiday.
We had a very similar situation when my DS was travelling in Australia
Two weeks before he was due back His granny had a massive stroke.
I knew she was delighted he had gone and wouldn't want disturb his trip
Sadly she passed away 4 days later and I told him on his return
I'm really sorry about your MiL

Friends saved up and paid to go to NZ to visit their daughter who'd was about to have her first baby. His mother had another stroke. The hospital told them to go. She lived on for over two months .

I would absolutely go.

Hopefully your DH may be able to join you later

Absolutely go. With a package holiday it will all be very easy. This will also be a great example to your DD how women can be strong and independent. Go and make the best of things (again a great example to DD). Explain how you and her Dad have discussed everything and why you think it’s a good idea the two of you go as her Dad feels
he has enough support, but if he needs you you might have to cut the holiday short. Things like this are so important to show children how to navigate through life’s complexities.

wishing you and your family all the best

Personally I think all 3 of you should go.
There is very little to be achieved by hanging around the sick be and his brother sounds like he’s fine with it which would be my only concern.
And I wouldn’t fly back either if anything happened. It will all still be here waiting for you.
But if your husband won’t go then definitely you and your daughter. But I might try the company again today and grovel to change the ticket name so your friend can go.

If you were my DIL I'd say go and have as good a time as you can. I'd say 'do it for me.' I'd feel awful about my son staying too, and I'd hope he wouldn't. I'd feel so guilty.

I agree. It's a complex situation but if your DH wants you to go and will have his own support while you're away there's no reason to feel guilty.

Be confident and organised while travelling OP, remind yourself of airport process, have details of the hotel, contacts, maybe research a day trip etc.

You might just spark an interest in travel and inspire DD that women can travel independently.

And enjoy yourselves, no moping or guilts!

@Divasaurus some GPs would much rather their grandchildren were having fun rather than sitting around waiting for granny to die. If they don’t go on holiday what should the 12yo be doing during the school holidays whilst granny is in limbo

Go! This sounds like a dream for me, going on holiday with my DD (we usually have to accommodate DH, DS1 and DS2).

I'm just a bit worried about your DH due to your update. Do you think his mum is still controlling him? Is the guilt he would feel at going her voice in his head? I think if his brother wants him to go then he should go but only if he is at peace that should she pass it would make no difference if he was there or not.

Is your DD close to your MIL? You only mentioned how excited she was about the holiday. In the nicest possible way, she's the right age to be self-absorbed and not really care about anything apart from her own fun, so it could be that her GM passing won't actually mean anything to her. Does she know MIL is ill? Does she know there is a very real chance MIL will die when she's away?

You don't actually like MIL. Are you the right person to be at DH's side while he's losing his DM? Or would he better placed being there with his DB, who is likely to have the same complex feelings as he is?

Out of you, DH and DD, I think DH's feelings matter the most here, and he is going to have the longest and most profound emotional ride during and after. I think you need to reflect honestly on whether you and DD are going to be an emotional support to him that he needs, or just one adult who feels awkward about not feeling sadder than she does, and one sulky teen who wanted to be somewhere else.

I don't mean that in a horrible way - I just want you to be realistic about it. There's no point cancelling if you being there isn't going to make it better.

It may be that DH doesn't care and just wants you near. It may be that he'd rather have the space to feel sad about his DM without what he perceives as judgement, and sit with his DB who has the same mixed emotions. I completely get why you don't like MIL - your love is for your DH and as far as you're concerned, she's someone who hurt him. But those feelings are a reason why it might make more sense for you to step back a little and take yourself and DD away for a little break.

Without any other information... I think I'd be inclined to go, but to check in with DH regularly. Send him messages and make clear he doesn't have to reply if he's not up to it, but you are thinking of him, and you can call him anytime if he decides he wants a chat.

I can’t speak to whether you should stay or go family-wise, only you know your family dynamics.

But I do think it’s telling that you are anxious about travelling alone with your daughter who’s 12. Not little!

It sounds like you are close as a family of 3, which is lovely. But you need to stay in the habit of doing things alone and as a lone parent. God forbid something happens to DH and you have to make all the decisions.

Even if you stay behind on this occasion, maybe try to do more new things in future? Do them little and often, alone and with your DD. Trust your own judgement. Feel your own strength and capability. If something goes wrong, you’ll handle it.

Sitting by the bedside and remembering the good times and preparing for the death is for MIL's sons, not you. The best support you can give is facilitating space for the short time that DH and BIL have left with their mom. Take DD on holiday. It's one less thing for DH to worry about right now.

Even allowing for the fact that MIL wasn't the nicest mom to her kids... This is still the final opportunity for her boys to process their childhoods and maybe say some things to her that they don't have to share with anyone else. (Particularly not their DD/niece who may think of MIL differently.) Grief can be complicated at the best of times but the loss of a parent is always intensely personal to their kids. Both DH and BIL have clearly indicated you should go on holiday with DD. You will be needed when MIL is actually gone, not rn. x