MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

Jet2 are normally pretty good too. I would give them a ring to sound out the options. For re arranging with TUI they were happy with a letter from the hospital saying my Mum was critical. They hospital were happy to arrange this and did it very promptly.

The problem is that everyone is different-so there are no rights and wrongs- I would be like the OP’s DH- if my DM was dying I’d want my partner to take the kids on holiday and then I could just focus on my DM in conjunction with my siblings/ DF and not have to worry about anything else. I’d almost prefer to be just with my birth family in that situation. I’d also be v aware that DM would have been praying for this outcome since the first stroke so that might affect how I’d feel about it.

Well, I wouldn't feel bad at all if I was the OP. The MIL was abusive to her sons and they owe her nothing.

Unfortunate timing, having lost a parent myself I would never even consider leaving my dh to deal with potentially losing a parent alone. His difficult relationship with his mum will just make the emotions even harder for him.

If the situation was reversed I would probably tell dh to go on holiday too as my mind would be all over the place, but I know he wouldn't. He would be there just incase I needed him.

At 12 any dc is old enough to understand there will be other holidays, this is too important a time to not be there for your dh, especially when he has his own health issues to worry about on top of everything.

Does your daughter want to go? If you’re able to have a very casual, low key conversation with her and see how she feels then I would be led by her. I guess a lot will depend on how close she is to her grandmother?

I would go on the holiday for two reasons.
The first being that it's unfair for the children to miss out, especially when they've been looking forward to it.
And second because I'd only be sat around at home twiddling my thumbs as there would be nothing I could do.

I wasn't talking about the dying person, I was talking about the OP's husband.

The dying MIL has people there to hold her hand. So the question is whether the OP's husband needs someone to hold his hand. He says they should go to Greece as planned.

Definitely go ahead with the holiday.

You will be perfectly safe in Greece. You definitely won’t be the only single parent there!!!!

Go on the holiday.

MiL died when we were on holiday a couple of years ago. She was already on a palliative care plan and pain relief only, no active treatment. It was the stage where you either live life or suspend everything indefinitely.

She lived in a different country where the turn around for funerals is quick. We picked up a message that she was ill (relatively), then an hour later she'd gone. DCs were 9 & 11. We sent them to play (within sight) on the beach, processed our thoughts, I went out to the DCs and DH had a bit more time to compose himself and contact siblings. They had a family whatsapp conference a few hours later then we told the DCs. We stayed on holiday a couple more days but because of funeral times had to pack (camping) early then go home then go to the airport. It also fell awkwardly with secondary transition/ summer school so DC1 and I had to leave early to fly back for that and DH and DC2 stayed with family longer.
We had already discussed logistics like this with family.

While airports aren't fun, they're simple and formulaic, you just follow the process. They are easy to navigate solo. Your holiday destination is to a straightforwards place. It's entirely viable to manage it yourself with your DC.

Being away from home detaches from the reality of the sadness. It can be happy and sad at the same time. It was better for us to continue the extra couple of days on holiday and made no practical difference on booking arrangements compared to being at home. In reality our biggest problem was a heatwave and DC's asthma flaring up and keeping him cool but avoiding triggering air con rather than the logistics of MiL reaching the end of life. She was a practical get on with life type.

And I’m assuming whilst MIL was bed bound after her first stroke it was possible (as has happened) that she would have another stroke. Would posters not have gone away for 2 years just in case?

This exact scenario happened to my brother in 2017, when our mother was in her final phase of life. He stayed behind and his wife went off to Portugal with their 2 girls for 10 days. Mum lasted five of those and then passed away. Brother and I were very occupied for the second half of their holiday with bureaucracy, funeral planning, taking care of Dad etc so we encouraged them to finish the holiday as the funeral couldn't take place until after they returned in any case.

I lived in Greece for a few years and have spent time in Santorini. GO - it's very safe.

For people with very elderly parents eg over 90, do you never go on holiday as any day could be there last?

No I wouldn’t go. How bad would you all feel if she passed and your away. There will be other holidays.

I have travelled alone with both of my children aged 9 and 12. We have had brillant holidays! Met lots of other holiday friends, to the point where there's a gang of us now from all over the country that holiday together. Go. Have a great time. Sorry to hear about your MIL

Go to Greece with your DD.
I'm sorry to hear about your MIL. Your DH is definitely right in staying there with her and his family.

@NoSourDough my FIL passed a couple of weeks ago after nearly 2 years of us thinking the end was imminent, every trip/ holiday any of us took was always a worry that it would happen at that time. Go on your holiday , you can't live your life like this, your daughter will be worried as it is and will likely benefit from time with you to chat things through on holiday. You can always fly home if your needed but it could happen tomorrow or in 6 months we never know! With regards to a solo trip you will manage it absolutely fine!

@99problemsandthetimeis1 I see what you're saying and I do understand that viewpoint. I just feel, personally, that what the OP thinks of her MIL is not all that relevant, it's just being there and available for her DH and her daughter.

I get that people see things differently though and what I wanted in my family and relationship would not be the right thing for everyone.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom Just with regard to your comment about the dying person needing to say whether they wanted someone there holding her hand, in the later stages of dying the person may not be conscious enough, or at all, to make these decisions. Even if conscious, it is a lot to expect a person going through this to make any decisions, they are frail and vulnerable. Before watching my dad die, I really did not know what it was like at the end.

Go - travelling alone with a kid -I have always travelled with my girls alone they are now 9 and 13. First as to cover the holidays it wasn't possible for their Dad and I to take more than a week off together each year, and we are now separated. I love going away with them we like doing the same things. We are off to Kefalonia in a week and I cannot wait to hang out with we are a great little team!

I don’t suppose DD has had a great relationship with MIL as she doesn’t sound like your typical cosy granny. She also appears to have been bed bound for the last 2 years, so plenty of time to have had the bedside chats, reminiscing etc.

I would think most decent grandparents would want their grandchildren to be off enjoying themselves not sitting round a bed waiting for granny to die. If they didn’t go on holiday would DD be able to go on day trips, go out with friends, shopping, see a film at the cinema? All these things she could be doing when granny passes.

Go on the holiday with your daughter. DH stay with his mother and family. Your MIL will not benefit massively from you and DD being there. It won’t make much difference now sadly. But I think your DH does have to be there.

Definitely go OP and don't come back if she dies while you're away. I'd do this anyway, even more so given the history.

It isn’t clear which way round the AIBU is, but yes I’d go. And yes I’d feel safe travelling to a mainstream holiday destination.

If you think he’s comfortable with you going I think you should go, I’ve found it easier with situations like this where you don’t have to consider your “other” family, you can just concentrate on your birth family. He won’t have to make sure dd hears appropriate conversations or make sure she’s ok.

I would just make sure everything is left ok at home, as in washing done, house tidy, ready meals in the fridge, plenty of milk etc and maybe any pets arranged as if your away.

@Wishimaywishimight I don't know if she's the right person to provide that support though. She doesn't like the woman.

I've also lost a parent and it was the most traumatising and draining experience of my life so far. I don't think I would have had the energy to be physically around someone who didn't feel as devastated as I did.

It doesn't matter whether the OP thinks she was a good DM. He won't just be grieving his actual DM but the DM he wished he could have had.

I do wonder if the person that DH actually needs right now is his DB.

just to add, how would you feel about travelling alone with a child?

I wouldn’t fancy it with a baby but a ten year old will be fine!

I wouldn’t cancel her holiday so she can be sad here-go and take her mind off it.