MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

Mum had a massive stroke a year ago .. unconscious, unresponsive, no swallow etc. we were told to prepare …she’s still with us. She is now in a care home, limited mobility, can speak, but it paralysed down one side, so can’t walk / sit up etc.

It was summer holiday time, and we (I have a number of siblings), had to decide what to do .. as it was, we went on our various holidays. You can’t legislate with the brain, it might be a week, month, or like us a year. My Dad died 2 weeks after his stroke. The Brain is an unpredictable organ.

Go on your hols

Why is it his brother’s call? The DH can make his own decision.

Go and take Dd on holiday, even if she passes before you get back, you'll be home for the funeral.

It's a Jet2 package - it can be changed, at a cost yes - but you haven't "lost" the holiday.

Can't believe the amount of people that would leave their DH when his mum is about to die.

You can go on holiday whenever, she will only die once. He might be telling you to go because that's what people say but would you really want to be without your family if it was you??

Your presence/ your husband's presence makes very little difference now. He could tell her he forgives her for his childhood or share any pleasant memories he can dredge up. Someone needs to take in clean clothes and maybe read as MIL may still be able to hear, they can not do a lot for her. If she dies the funeral can not take place immediately and airlines have, but dont publicise, bereavement spaces sometimes.

I'd go and actually I think your husband should go too if it's just a week, a fortnight maybe not. If he had a good mother/ you a good MIL she would say, if she could speak, go and make memories. That it was I would do for my child. Dying people often die in the few minutes someone goes to the toilet, it's like they choose not to have their child see them die.

If his brother is telling him to go, then he should go on holiday with you.

This could go on for weeks.

I think you go with DD. I had a 6.30am call from hospital to make a 2 hour drive when my Dad died. I asked if I would be in time and the nurse said she hoped so. It just wasn’t practical for DH to come with me at that point for various reasons so went on my own. I did make it in time.

The time afterwards went by in a blur. DH would been there like a shot if I needed him but I was too busy with my Stepmum and making arrangement and with other people coming by to need him at that point though very much needed him and my DC for the funeral a few weeks later . He was at the end of the phone at all times. It was a huge relief to me that I knew he was at home making sure everything ran smoothly there and I simply didn’t have to worry about that.

Follow your DH’s lead on this.

What does the 12yo want to do. Will she "mind" if GM pases while she away?

A trip, jus the two of you will be a lovely adventure, you don't need to worry about that.

I'd stay at home. I don't think anyone can predict what grief is going to feel like at any particular time, and I'd want to be there for my husband when he suffers such a significant loss. I know that his mum hasn't been great, but that can complicate grief and mess with your head a bit. I wouldn't feel right leaving him.

Another 'GO' here. I travel with DS without DH all the time. It's fab, we love our time together. Sometimes it's easier as there's only the two of you to please.

I'd go. Your MIL could last days or weeks or even months (one of my relatives lasted three months after a massive stroke).

I'm going to sound harsh but in reality what 'support' is there to give if you stopped at home? It's likely that this would mean making cups of tea and sandwiches and listening to repeated reminiscences and everyone sat around looking sad. Your husband sounds like he has family around him. If he wants to sit at his mum's bedside all day then he can, without feeling guilty about you and DD. On top of this if you stop at home you will have likely have a bored and upset 12 year old wondering why her holiday is ruined as.

Go. Keep well in touch with DH.

Gosh. Do you really play those kind of silly games as a grown up person who is married?

I think most spouses, like OP and her DH from the sounds of it, are able to just have a straight forward conversation and communicate their needs, discuss pros and cons and weigh the situation up together.

Think u have already decided to go but as you are asking I would be considering the following.
A complicated relationship with his mother probably means his grief will be complicated and stir up all kinds of feelings that u can't anticipate now.
If you are not in the background whilst he and his brother navigate this he may feel "abandoned".
This may be the time to put his needs before your child's to show him his wife always has his back.
After a major bereavement any regrets cut very deep further complicating grief.
Are you more likely to regret missing a holiday or being present for your husband?
I am truly not coming at you with any judgement just outlining how I would be processing this decision

Just go. Even if its just for your DD. There is nothing you can do at home.

My MIL’s parent had a massive stroke and was palliative care. She had a holiday booked with friends when this happened. She still went on holiday and you couldn’t get two people who were closer. She had been there for her parent through many illnesses but MIL and her siblings had agreed that they couldn’t put their lives on hold whilst they waited for their parent to die.

She said her goodbyes before she went, pretty much as soon as she left the hospital parent went into an unconscious state and died 2 days later. MIL was supported by her friends whilst she was away and her siblings had respective partners to be there for them. But the parent had been ill for some time and wanted to die, it was a release for them, so don’t know if that makes a difference. Also didn’t want death bed scene and in fact died when one of the siblings had just left the room after they had been to visit them

I wouldn’t be able to leave my husband, not even if he suggested I go alone. Now isn’t the time for abandoning him even if your gut says she’ll live.

You are, however, "that person" who makes judgemental and unkind remarks to a family facing imminent bereavement

Up until you mentioned the history of abuse, I would have said not to go, but under those circumstances, go and enjoy your holiday if your DH feels able to cope alone.

I always turn situations such as this around. If my DM was dying and my DH decided to go away, I would find that really difficult. I would want his support and the love of my family around me.

We have had a recent very close family bereavement and it has been the love, comfort and support of others that have pulled us through.

In fact, my DF was very seriously ill abroad and my DH and I flew out to the hospital. My DH returned to the UK, leaving me there over Christmas, his DM, needed his support.
Although I went along with it, I knew that if my DF had died I would really have struggled with my DH and his decisions. Not being there when I needed him.

Fortunately, my DF pulled through.

Ultimately only you know what he and you need.

I’d still speak to the insurance and Jet2. My ancient DP had a life limiting heart condition, then had a massive heart attack just before we went and insurance covered us ( third party and existing illness). Did you pay by credit card? They may cover you?

Personally I’d rather postpone because I’d miss DH and would rather have a holiday with him. I’ve always found Jet2 to be great and I can’t believe they wouldn’t let you change the dates.

If you’re already nervous about travelling, how much will you enjoy it? Although of course Santorini will be fine and you’re on a package.

I'd say it would have been better to include it at the start tbh. Others may disagree.

If you're going to quote someone at least tag them.
As it is the question was posed as a potential other way of assessing the situation.

Personally I would talk to DH and try and reason for him to come. Completely understand he wants to be there for family etc but his Mum in all reality is not there. Life goes on for the rest of us when these things happen and we cant always put life on hold.

However I also get that he might be difficult to talk round and would suffer guilt from going. I would definitely go with your daughter - its not like she is a 2 yr old and you will be confined to your room. I would go, move bed time around a bit - kids in Italy and Greece stay up later and eat in restaurants all the time, and try to enjoy the holiday. IF MIL does pass away, funerals take time to organise (usually a month is normal) so you wont miss that.

Wishing you all peace with your decisions and for your MIL I hope it is sooner rather than later in the "limbo" which is that unconsious state. Say your goodbyes and go, share stories of her with your daughter and keep in touch with DH

If you do have any issues jet2 will have staff available to support.

I would go. As our parents got older and us 'children' retired and were often on long and long haul holidays we talked about this as a family and agreed that in general we would go on booked holidays and not come back. Those still in the UK would just deal with everything. Not being there didn't mean we loved our parents any less. But I know people who have cancelled multiple holidays or been scared to book trips for years just in case.