MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

I had a similar problem when my mother was very ill. Say goodbye and go. There's no point sitting waiting for someone to die, especially if they are not aware. If DH stays he could be off getting a coffee when she goes. Life is for the living!

I didn't under similar circumstances but DH is an only child. Not sure if I would have done even if he had a sibling though. You won't enjoy yourself knowing he's going through all that surely. Get on to Jet2 and see if you can move it.

Jesus, some really cold comments on here - the girl’s grandmother/OP’s husband’s mother is about to pass away! I couldn’t go away and have ‘fun’ whilst my husband’s heart was about to be broken.

Do go, OP, and you and Dd enjoy your holiday.

You will miss DH of course, but it will probably be a worry off his plate that you two are relaxed and your Dd has the holiday she has looked forward to.

We can be compassionate even when we have reservations about the patient, meanwhile there is no point in making pointless sacrifices: there is nothing or little you can do now, and your DH and his brother can focus on dealing with the situation.

Also , IF she passes while you are away I wouldn’t fly back unless your DH clearly needs you and asks you to.

Also, I would not suggest you start negotiating direct with the hotel about different dates. It would be a possibility if you had booked your own accommodation but The package companies block book rooms, the risk is theirs, your contract is with the company. With possible language issues you risk giving the idea that you are cancelling your rooms…

I would go. Cancel DHs expensive insurance.

I wouldn’t go. It sounds as if MIL’s passing is imminent and DH may think he can cope now when it isn’t yet a reality but he will need all the emotional and practical support he can get when it actually happens.

Also, speaking as someone who lost my beloved grandfather to a massive stroke followed by coma when I was 12, I am so glad that I was able to visit him in hospital whilst I still could, hold his hand and tell him that I loved him. Those moments have sustained me in all the years that followed. I still miss him even now in my 40s.

I think that had this been a first time event then insurance would have covered it but as it's not her first stroke then it won't.
As a grandmother etc I wouldn't expect my family to miss a much needed holiday, she's in hospital being cared for and there's nothing that can be done except wait for the inevitable though I do understand that were he to go on holiday his mind will be back in the UK.

I'd definitely go. She's 12 not a toddler. It will be fun!
Nothing you do will impact the outcome for MIL. It's the circle of life.

I wonder now if it's becoming more about "How do I persuade DH to come with me, at least part of the time?".

Because his brother would be on his own and he is telling him to go.

The OP said that she was abusive to both brothers, so they owe her nothing.

I would go. When my parent died, I wanted DH to keep things as normal as possible for the kids and that would have included going on holiday. There was nothing he could have done. I hope your DH can fly out for some of it if he feels able to.

Does BIL have a partner?

In these circumstances I am sure DH would tell me to go on holiday with DC.

Just to add to my previous post I would also be thinking the following..
Someone following a massive stroke unconscious and receiving palliative care is more likely than not to die in the next 10 days ( ex hospice nurse here)
Before you go you will need to explain to your child why her dad is not joining you.
So the message to your dd is very complex and may be confusing. Your fathers mother is dying but we are going away on holiday. How do you think she would process this in terms of how families support each other?
Is it really meeting her emotional needs to carry on with holiday plans?

Well, your husband should definitely go on holiday with you in this case.

He owes her nothing.

I think try to pp it to another date if possible? Alternatively, is there anyone who could join you instead (sister, mum, friend)?

Well, your husband should definitely go on holiday with you in this case.

He owes her nothing.

I wouldn’t go personally, if something happened to my mum I’d want my family to lean on. There’ll be other holidays. Easy for him to say it now but when he comes home to an empty house after she’s in hospital he might feel differently

@Avalane Exactly. I despise my MIL but I sure as shit wouldn't be leaving my DH to deal with it alone. It's not about how I feel - it's about being there for HIM.

This is more about "I'm worried about traveling solo with my DD do you have any advice".

Go! She will have her son there. She is not abandoned at all, your BIL and your DH. I made the mistake of organising our family's life around my not very well DM for years, namely 5 - one crisis after another, one hospitalisation after another, end-stage kidney, every time 'she won't come out of hospital'. I have not noticed how my dc grew up, how they sat their exams, how my dh's health deteriorated so he needed an operation, how my dc failed their final exams. I have not noticed how I entered the menopause and I can't even describe the symptoms. Never went on holidays during the 5 years, too scared to leave her alone in a hospital, where they did not even bother to read the notes properly. Go! If she pulls through and comes out of hospital, you will be in for the long haul with care provision. Go! And don't phone your DH every 4 hours, because you will ruin your holiday.

If you stayed it would be for your DH's sake not your MiL's so, imo, the back story of "abusive MiL" should make no difference.
If he genuinely wants you and DC to go, definitely go.
From your posts you sound well able to look after yourself and DC on a flight and when abroad.

Interesting that you didn't mention the "abusive MiL" back story because you were worried you'd be "flamed" - have you never read any MiL threads on MN before? You'd probably have people telling you that the only reason to stay would be the opportunity to dance on her grave that bit earlier.

I think, as always on here, there is some bias to take into account because this is the mother in law.

It would be really interesting to post this reversed. Poster with a dying mother, tells her husband to go on holiday with the kids… and he does!

@WestCorkGal it would be a matter of days before the OP was back. This is not out of the blue, the MIL has been seriously ill for a long time. The DH has other family support. He's not being abandoned to his grief. As a pp said, my family are quite "callous" or practical in these type of scenarios - the long expected demise of an ill, elderly parent is on somewhat on a different scale to an unexpected, sudden death and is generally taken in one's stride. He is happy for her and the child to go and it sounds like the OP would also beenfit from the confidence boost of doing this alone - on which point, OP - I have taken my two abroad alone several times, from primary age. Careful planning re what bags to use, activities for the plane etc and clear expectations set out in advance and is all is fine. You have one 12 year old and Santorini is packed wth tourists / families. Its totally fine.

What if that's what he wanted? I'd actually be really angry if my DH cancelled my DD's holiday in these circumstances. I would appreciate the time to say goodbye, to take care of practical arrangements and to feel however I felt without the pressure of having to also be a present parent and think about DD's needs or general day to day parenting or feel guilty that she was missing her holiday. I'd be so much happier to know she was taken care of and having fun on holiday. If my DH overrode my wishes on this (which he wouldn't because we communicate well and don't have to guess what the other really means) then I would see it as him centering himself and his desire to be viewed a certain way by others, not supporting me in the way I've asked him to, and not trusting me to know what's best for myself. He would never do that.

Go, but fly back if she does pass, and maybe suggest to your husband he flies out for the second half if things look more stable.