To not attend my friend's baby shower 4 hours away

I'll reach out to her to explain I won't be attending but planning to send the gift and hope she has a lovely time. She will have a great time with others and won't miss me being there. I'll ask to see her once baby is born and have quality time
Why send a gift for a made-up event you're not attending? If you're planning to see her soon after the baby is born I'd give a gift then as is traditional.

You didn't confirm you would be there and I actually don't think your friend would expect you attend( it would be unreasonable if she did I think)
Perhaps arrange to go up( and stay over in a hotel) when baby is safely here.
I'm glad baby showers weren't a thing when I had mine
A gift registry WTF?!
Out of curiosity what was on there?

Feckin' "baby showers" and "gift registers".

More money wasted.

Just tell her that upon reflection, that you just can't do that journey right now. Send gift , card and try to arrange a visit after baby born that you can couple up with vist to your family.

Agree - baby showers are just another unnecessary imported American commoditisation of everything, in this case, new life.

Of course YANBU.
You have other things you want to spend your free time on.
It’s fine to just say no when something really doesn’t work for you. It doesn’t make you a bad person, If’s just self-preservation not to do things that you don’t want to do.

Me too.
The older I get the easier it is to say, "sorry, not my sort of thing".

I think baby showers are daft, baby registers tacky.

Thank god they simply have never come up.

I did this for my lovely DIL, I wouldn't for pa friend unless I could add a few days on.

@ExtraOnions

its NOT a 'special event' it's just a baby shower.

& she has been to 'special events' ie her wedding.

you really can't imagine why she doesn't want to drive 8+ hours to go to a baby shower, you lack imagination.

@TheBlueRobin

YANBU I hate baby showers, anyway, no way I'd be going 4 hours for one. I'd rather go another weekend & spend time with her instead of a not really spending much time with her.

I suppose another option, which I'd go for first is staying over, baby shower & an evening & another half day to spend with her, is that an option??

No I wouldn't go. I also wouldn't try and find an excuse just say you can't make it.

YANBU. I'm the one who moved away, although closer to 2 hours rather than 4. The road only ever goes one way and I'm becoming much more cynical about giving up my increasingly precious free time to make the journey.

I visited recently, DH had the car I had a nightmare trip on public transport. It was for a life event for a dear friend, so on the one hand I'm glad I made the effort because I do love her. On the other, I spent 4 times as much time on public transport as I did with friends and missed out on a lovely sunny day in the garden with my DC...

I would wait, and visit when the baby comes - you'll actually get to see your friend then.

Absolutely do not go. I think the variance in view here is largely down to how people think about baby showers in general…

IMO it is not an “important event”. It is not a wedding and it actually is not even that the baby is born!

Make a long weekend of something after the baby is born to drop in and take food to her and have a catch up and coo over the baby. You’ve already done a lot in getting something from the registry (gah awful!) and being there at her wedding.

I don’t know if you have had a wedding / baby shower OP but if not it is unlikely she will be making the same effort for you in the coming years so don’t give this any thought. You are not a bad friend.

And FWIW those who disagree with baby showers on principle are not bad people either ;) x

I think in your shoes I'd not attend the baby shower, quoting the unexpected financial/work reasons you've mentioned. I'd really apologise for this and consider sending a gift on the day before or of the shower.

I would also ask the friend who is expecting whether you could see her soon for some one on one catch up time - could you meet in the middle and spend the day together ? Or is there a bank holiday or such coming up where you could use the three day weekend to space out the travel and stay with family/friends to avoid hotel costs? Hope you get some quality time with your friend soon OP x

I think ring her, things don't come across well on text, just say sorry can't make it, explain re travel and say you will plan to come up in Autumn when hopefully can meet baby and maybe take a day off then so can stay with your dad and not rush.
Registry is awful , really

It’s a bloody baby shower not a ‘special event’. Send a card and a little gift, you’re completely overthinking this.

Honestly don’t go OP. The expectation for people to shell out/drive/attend things these days is madness. My Cousin expected me to drive 6 hours to her 40th birthday party in a pub along with my DH and 3 very young DC. Er….no thanks.
Didn’t go down well when I refused but would’ve been a very expensive nightmare

WTF have I just read?

People have registries for their baby requirements now?

Jeez. How chavvy and grabby. Baby showers are bad enough.

I wouldn't have gone if it was five minutes away, never mind a nine hour round trip.

Just say you cannot make it but hopefully you guys have great celebrations.

I would not be making a weekend break out of attending a sodding baby shower.

I spent my entire 30s attending weddings, baby showers, and kids' birthday parties and decided to roughly calculate how much I'd spent on my friends' life choices (having none of these experiences myself during the same time). After nearly fainting, I decided not to attend another baby shower for as long as I live.

One of my colleagues is having her 3rd this year and having a baby shower with a registry! It's so grabby and embarrassing to me.

I'll get off my soapbox now, sorry.

This.

You don't have to go.

It sounds like she's the first in your circle to marry and have a baby. I guarantee no one will be creating gift registries for baby number 4,5,6,7,8,9 etc. It's a phase you can skip

No way in the world would I go to this. No guilt whatsoever. Invite declined, gift sent, job done.

It's fine not to go, but I think it's pretty poor to say you're not going at this late stage, just because it's a long way. Surely you knew the distance when you said you'd go? I'd be upset if I were your friend and you changed your mind this late. And I don't mind a registry - surely it's better to get them something that's actually useful. I never know what to buy, would much rather just get something off a list.

Because she might be able to see the baby after it arrives. Baby showers are USA imported. It’s just yet more money and presents. Celebrate a baby when it’s born.