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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not attend my friend's baby shower 4 hours away

118 replies

TheBlueRobin · 01/08/2024 08:16

An old friend from school is having a baby in September - WONDERFUL NEWS! Her best friends are throwing a baby shower for her this weekend. The baby shower is local to her. I live over 4 hours away. There are some other school friends attending but they live 2 hours closer.

Am I being unreasonable if I don't want to go? To be clear I never flake, am always punctual and have always made an effort with friends. I attended her wedding and sent her housewarming gifts etc. She's a lovely person and was very kind to me after my Mum passed away but we only see each other about twice a year and don't really keep in touch in-between.

I feel bad as I did say I would try to make it on the group chat(didn't 100% confirm) as they know I live furthest away.

I just don't really fancy an 8 (likely 9) hour round trip on my weekend for a few hours of silly games and probably not even catching up with my friend properly. But I feel quite guilty especially if I'm the only school friend not attending

That's my whole weekend gone. Though I could see my Dad on the way to break up the journey. Perhaps I'm just very tired from work and seeing everything as a burden?

I've bought her a gift from her registry and considering sending them with a little something to say sorry and hope everything goes well.

My friend is a lovely person but we're not a close group of friends, more that we've just stayed in touch since school, her best friends will be there so I don't feel like I'd add anything there, other than catching up with mutual friends?

YABU - you made a commitment, don't be flakey, step up and be good friend

YANBU - I wouldn't fancy it either, it doesn't mean you're a bad friend

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 01/08/2024 15:25

Send friend a useful gift and save your time and money for travelling up to see her when the baby is three months old.
She will appreciate seeing you then.

tuttuttutt · 01/08/2024 15:22

Scunnered123 · 01/08/2024 15:00

Never understood the point if a baby shower, but a Registry, seriously?

Grabby grabby

Porridgeislife · 01/08/2024 15:20

Scunnered123 · 01/08/2024 15:00

Never understood the point if a baby shower, but a Registry, seriously?

Nearly everyone has a wedding or baby gift that sits awkwardly at the back of the cupboard because it didn’t appeal but you can’t bear to throw it away! That’s where a registry comes in handy. I’d hate to spend money on something the recipient can’t or won’t use.

We received so many blankets for my baby. She was born in a heatwave. I ended up sending some to textile recycling when she was a toddler as I just couldn’t store them indefinitely. She likewise had various cute outfits that were never worn as she lived in a vest for most of 0-3 months.

I go one step further and send Amazon vouchers, that way Mum can get whatever she needs. If it’s baby wipes then so be it!

Porridgeislife · 01/08/2024 15:14

Apologise now that you can’t attend and send a lovely gift ahead of the baby shower. It will smooth things over.

VJBR · 01/08/2024 15:08

It is a baby shower for goodness sake, not a wedding, funeral or even a hen party. Perfectly reasonable to say you can't go.

Scunnered123 · 01/08/2024 15:00

Never understood the point if a baby shower, but a Registry, seriously?

mirrorlife · 01/08/2024 14:57

It’s fine not to go but tell people asap and don’t lie about having Covid or any of that nonsense. Will never understand why someone would choose to lie unnecessarily to their friends.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 01/08/2024 14:57

notacooldad · 01/08/2024 14:44

A gift registry WTF?!
That makes sense.
It gives an idea of what is needed and wanted.
Better than a new parent get 20 of the same items eg baby grows that they are too big for 6 weeks later rather than something that could be useful.
Why be 'quite shocked'?
I'd be grateful!

I think informal organisation of who gets what has always happened, I've had friends who have said 'could you get for age x' and we've asked work colleagues what would be helpful for us to get. The key difference is now that it seems to be 'an event' and expected that everyone will be buying something.

LlynTegid · 01/08/2024 14:54

I'm glad you have decided not to go and prioritise other things.

Baby showers are something that should be consigned to history in my view anyway.

Lavender14 · 01/08/2024 14:52

If there was a way I could attend op I probably would since it sounds like she's been good to you and because the alternative for me would be trying to arrange something just the two of you which is probably going to involve the same amount of travel anyway as she may not be comfortable to come to you if she's far along. I think it depends on how much you care about this friend really. Maybe you could send her a box of surprises for her to open during the party via a mutual friend and help with the planning in some way? But tbh I'd just probably go if it were me.

lanadelcake · 01/08/2024 14:49

It's absolutely fair enough for the OP not to attend.
But Jesus, there are some total miseries on here.

tuvamoodyson · 01/08/2024 14:48

DappledThings · 01/08/2024 08:25

You would not be unreasonable not to attend if it was 4 minutes away, let alone 4 hours.

Just about to text exactly that! I wouldn’t attend if they were having it in my own living room to be honest…

Seaglassandchampagne · 01/08/2024 14:46

God I wouldn’t even consider going. It’s a baby shower, not a wedding. It will be a few hours of twee games at best, and in no way worth driving 8 hours for.

Send a present and your best wishes and don’t give it another thought. You are absolutely not required to go!

notacooldad · 01/08/2024 14:44

A gift registry WTF?!
That makes sense.
It gives an idea of what is needed and wanted.
Better than a new parent get 20 of the same items eg baby grows that they are too big for 6 weeks later rather than something that could be useful.
Why be 'quite shocked'?
I'd be grateful!

notacooldad · 01/08/2024 14:41

Whoops, just tested positive for Covid, best I don’t come.. apologies!
Why bullshit? No need. Keep life simple.
Ive not rread the whole thread and its probably been mentioned but you said your burned out with work. Could you have a little mini break which includes seeing your friend seeing your dad and relax
It may help to recharge you. Change is good as rest.
If you don't want to do that just tell the truth, you can't do the journey but send a lovely present for her.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 01/08/2024 14:37

Normallynumb · 01/08/2024 12:31

You didn't confirm you would be there and I actually don't think your friend would expect you attend( it would be unreasonable if she did I think)
Perhaps arrange to go up( and stay over in a hotel) when baby is safely here.
I'm glad baby showers weren't a thing when I had mine
A gift registry WTF?!
Out of curiosity what was on there?

Erm a mix of things. Muslins, clothes, toys, toiletries, various accessories. I chose something quite mid range but I was quite shocked when I got the list really!

OP posts:
BeaRF75 · 01/08/2024 14:37

Do not lie or make excuses (especially not re Covid). Be honest, ie "I'm so sorry that I'm not able to attend. I hope that you have a lovely day and that all goes well for the birth of your child".
Then send a gift & card when the baby is born, as we all would do.

Izzymoon · 01/08/2024 14:36

When someone goes to the effort of planning something and inviting you it’s nice to actually give them an answer about your attendance. It’s pretty shitty to leave it so open ended until the last minute, regardless of any reasons for not attending.
If they were so pressing you should have just declined in the first place.

lovelysunshine22 · 01/08/2024 14:34

I wouldn't be attending a baby shower 4 minutes away let alone 4 hours! Its grabby and tacky, luckily all my friends already know my views on them!

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 01/08/2024 14:33

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/08/2024 13:53

If she's made a big effort for your special things likes hen do etc then I'd go. If not then don't.
My friend travelled from Cornwall to London for mine and I really treasured it.

Thanks, I agree. You hope things like that would be reciprocated! I haven't gone through the hen/wedding milestones yet but I attended her wedding, significant birthdays and always reached out to her when I was in her area.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/08/2024 13:54

I think the joining via zoom for part of it is a good compromise

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/08/2024 13:53

If she's made a big effort for your special things likes hen do etc then I'd go. If not then don't.
My friend travelled from Cornwall to London for mine and I really treasured it.

Littlemisscapable · 01/08/2024 13:40

TheShellBeach · 01/08/2024 09:59

WTF have I just read?

People have registries for their baby requirements now?

Jeez. How chavvy and grabby. Baby showers are bad enough.

I wouldn't have gone if it was five minutes away, never mind a nine hour round trip.

This. What ????? Don't even think about it.

RampantIvy · 01/08/2024 13:35

ExtraOnions · 01/08/2024 08:23

She sounds like she’s been a good friend, and supportive to you, I can’t quite understand why you wouldn’t want to go to her special event.

As long as you are honest with her .. you aren’t going because you can’t be bothered. Don’t be lying about it, and claiming “Covid” that’s cowardly.

You can't understand why someone wouldn't want to undertake an 8 hour round trip for a baby shower. Have you tried travelling on a Saturday in August on our congested roads?

TubeScreamer · 01/08/2024 13:31

I would just send a message saying ‘really sorry but I can’t make it, Hope you have a lovely time. I look forward to meeting Baby X in due course’.

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