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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not attend my friend's baby shower 4 hours away

118 replies

TheBlueRobin · 01/08/2024 08:16

An old friend from school is having a baby in September - WONDERFUL NEWS! Her best friends are throwing a baby shower for her this weekend. The baby shower is local to her. I live over 4 hours away. There are some other school friends attending but they live 2 hours closer.

Am I being unreasonable if I don't want to go? To be clear I never flake, am always punctual and have always made an effort with friends. I attended her wedding and sent her housewarming gifts etc. She's a lovely person and was very kind to me after my Mum passed away but we only see each other about twice a year and don't really keep in touch in-between.

I feel bad as I did say I would try to make it on the group chat(didn't 100% confirm) as they know I live furthest away.

I just don't really fancy an 8 (likely 9) hour round trip on my weekend for a few hours of silly games and probably not even catching up with my friend properly. But I feel quite guilty especially if I'm the only school friend not attending

That's my whole weekend gone. Though I could see my Dad on the way to break up the journey. Perhaps I'm just very tired from work and seeing everything as a burden?

I've bought her a gift from her registry and considering sending them with a little something to say sorry and hope everything goes well.

My friend is a lovely person but we're not a close group of friends, more that we've just stayed in touch since school, her best friends will be there so I don't feel like I'd add anything there, other than catching up with mutual friends?

YABU - you made a commitment, don't be flakey, step up and be good friend

YANBU - I wouldn't fancy it either, it doesn't mean you're a bad friend

OP posts:
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Floatlikeafeather2 · 03/04/2025 23:52

A gift register? Gimme gimme gimme!

POTC · 03/04/2025 23:38

Jumpingthruhoops · 16/03/2025 02:56

Agree. By OP's own admission, friend has been very supportive, yet OP 'can't be bothered' to go to her baby shower!

That sums people up unfortunately.

OP - definitely don't attend. Presumably she'll only want her real friends there to celebrate this major life event. But please do stop trying to justify your absence, just be honest about your reasons - to her and to yourself!

Show quote history

It was last August, that decision is long gone 🤣

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 03/04/2025 23:35

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/08/2024 09:39

God, I wouldn’t go in a million years.

Show quote history

Nor me. Not that distance. I'd much rather wait until the baby actually arrives, and then go to visit.

Beesandhoney123 · 03/04/2025 23:10

Longhotsummers · 01/08/2024 08:52

A baby shower registry? For this alone I wouldn’t go!

Never heard of a baby shower registry.
It sounds like those gofundme things.

Seems awful you can't just turn up and your very friendship is what you are bringing, with the underlying knowledge you will extend this to their child aa time goes by.

It seems there is a price on friendship after all.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 24/03/2025 09:11

I didn't know this thread was still so active!

An update for anyone that cares. Lovely baby is now 6 months old. I met him at Christmas when I got together with my school friends for a meal at Christmas in our hometown (a mid way point for everyone). I sent her a lovely baby present and card and some of her favourite treats.

When I saw her I said I was sorry I couldn't come and she said 'don't be silly not sure I'd attend something four hours away'. Spoke to my other friends that went and they said that they hardly spoke to her as obviously a baby shower is such a busy event so I don't feel bad for not going.

However I still keep in touch and prioritise the friendship in other ways and happy with that.

OP posts:
marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 16/03/2025 22:08

@WishingplentyMe too!

Wishingplenty · 16/03/2025 21:59

PortiasBiscuit · 01/08/2024 08:18

Whoops, just tested positive for Covid, best I don’t come.. apologies!

I actually hate that people are still using this as an excuse to not attend things. It trivialises the whole covid experience for people that have suffered real hardships.

Jumpingthruhoops · 16/03/2025 02:56

ExtraOnions · 01/08/2024 08:23

She sounds like she’s been a good friend, and supportive to you, I can’t quite understand why you wouldn’t want to go to her special event.

As long as you are honest with her .. you aren’t going because you can’t be bothered. Don’t be lying about it, and claiming “Covid” that’s cowardly.

Agree. By OP's own admission, friend has been very supportive, yet OP 'can't be bothered' to go to her baby shower!

That sums people up unfortunately.

OP - definitely don't attend. Presumably she'll only want her real friends there to celebrate this major life event. But please do stop trying to justify your absence, just be honest about your reasons - to her and to yourself!

Devianinc · 16/03/2025 02:36

nocoolnamesleft · 16/03/2025 02:30

The baby's probably several months old by now...

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Lol

Tbrh · 16/03/2025 02:31

YANBU for a 8 hour round trip to something boring like a baby shower. Send a card and gift instead

nocoolnamesleft · 16/03/2025 02:30

Devianinc · 16/03/2025 02:29

Just send her a gift with apologies that you can’t make bc of other things going on in your life. Sorry I’ll miss it. I luv you and move on. It’s not a big deal and I bet she’ll have children and won’t be able to make any of your celebrations.. it’s fine

Show quote history

The baby's probably several months old by now...

Devianinc · 16/03/2025 02:29

TheBlueRobin · 01/08/2024 08:16

An old friend from school is having a baby in September - WONDERFUL NEWS! Her best friends are throwing a baby shower for her this weekend. The baby shower is local to her. I live over 4 hours away. There are some other school friends attending but they live 2 hours closer.

Am I being unreasonable if I don't want to go? To be clear I never flake, am always punctual and have always made an effort with friends. I attended her wedding and sent her housewarming gifts etc. She's a lovely person and was very kind to me after my Mum passed away but we only see each other about twice a year and don't really keep in touch in-between.

I feel bad as I did say I would try to make it on the group chat(didn't 100% confirm) as they know I live furthest away.

I just don't really fancy an 8 (likely 9) hour round trip on my weekend for a few hours of silly games and probably not even catching up with my friend properly. But I feel quite guilty especially if I'm the only school friend not attending

That's my whole weekend gone. Though I could see my Dad on the way to break up the journey. Perhaps I'm just very tired from work and seeing everything as a burden?

I've bought her a gift from her registry and considering sending them with a little something to say sorry and hope everything goes well.

My friend is a lovely person but we're not a close group of friends, more that we've just stayed in touch since school, her best friends will be there so I don't feel like I'd add anything there, other than catching up with mutual friends?

YABU - you made a commitment, don't be flakey, step up and be good friend

YANBU - I wouldn't fancy it either, it doesn't mean you're a bad friend

Just send her a gift with apologies that you can’t make bc of other things going on in your life. Sorry I’ll miss it. I luv you and move on. It’s not a big deal and I bet she’ll have children and won’t be able to make any of your celebrations.. it’s fine

treesandsun · 16/03/2025 02:04

God, I didn't go to my friend's baby shower when it was round the corner - couldn't think about many worse things to do. She was fine about it and got that she had other more fun friends who were up for that type of hell. I am god mother to one of her kids as she knew I would be there for the baby and her - just not in party form so I am sure your friend will understand you not driving for 4 hours .

Sassybooklover · 01/08/2024 19:42

You said yourself, you see her twice a year at most and don't really keep in touch in between. You like her, you're friends but aren't super close. I wouldn't be driving 4 hours away for a baby shower, a wedding, yes, but definitely not a baby shower. Send a gift, card and apologise that you can't make it. I wouldn't give it another thought.

MrsKeats · 01/08/2024 19:33

Izzymoon · 01/08/2024 17:35

Celebrating a close friend? The horror!

Some posters are so dramatic and probably never leave their houses.

Edited

That's most mumsnettere in a nutshell.

WhatNext24 · 01/08/2024 19:20

No way would I go to this. Just cancel OP and sent the gift in your lieu.

I disagree with those saying a white lie is a hassle. I think it keeps things simple. Next time OP should aim to tell the white lie upfront (already committed) but doing it at the last minute (Covid, whatever) avoids offence.

The registry is a whole other subject. WTAF.

notacooldad · 01/08/2024 18:38

I hate all these American traditions such as ‘gender reveals’, ‘baby showers’ and ‘baby registries’ that have come to the UK. Why? They are just social events that can be a lot of fun with friends. They aren't compulsory to attend.

They are tacky, grabby & unnecessary.
No different to stag and hen parties or weddings abroad then.

It's not quality time spent with her is it?
It could be, depends on how many go or OP could make a weekend of it and spend some 1 :1 time with away from the party and see her dad as well.

SaintHonoria · 01/08/2024 18:22

It's only a baby shower!

No I wouldn't go and I would t make up stupid excuses either!

It's not quality time spent with her is it?

mysteryday · 01/08/2024 18:19

Sod going. I agree with @NorthernSpirit too. There is a tradition now of travelling far and spending so much on all these ridiculous celebrations. It's just another commercial making scam. You invite those who are near and that's it. Don't put pressure on those who have to travel miles unless it's a very close friend or relative. I just think generally all these celebrations have gone way out of control. No one can have a stag do at their local pub for a few hours - no it has to be a weekend in Prague now. Kids can't have a small party at home with a few games and party bags, it has to be a £15 per head party experience somewhere. Yes I'm ranting and yes I'm miserable.

NorthernSpirit · 01/08/2024 17:42

I hate all these American traditions such as ‘gender reveals’, ‘baby showers’ and ‘baby registries’ that have come to the UK.

They are tacky, grabby & unnecessary.

It would be a no from me - you don’t have to give a reason why.

It reminds me of that scene from ‘Sex & The City’ in which Carrie has been to the bachelorette party (and given a gift), the wedding (and given a gift) and then gets invited to the baby shower (and gives another gift). When does all the grabbiness stop?

Izzymoon · 01/08/2024 17:35

Celebrating a close friend? The horror!

Some posters are so dramatic and probably never leave their houses.

OlympicsFanGirl · 01/08/2024 17:20

I wouldn't go and I would feel bad.

But then I loathe baby showers

notacooldad · 01/08/2024 17:13

*mysteryday · Today 16:48
Sod that!
Sod what?
Going to the baby shower?
Buying a gift?
What and why? ( what e er it is)

mysteryday · 01/08/2024 16:48

Sod that!

notacooldad · 01/08/2024 15:30

I think informal organisation of who gets what has always happened, I've had friends who have said 'could you get for age x' and we've asked work colleagues what would be helpful for us to get. The key difference is now that it seems to be 'an event' and expected that everyone will be buying something
To be honest, I think it's a nice think. The mum to be usually has afternoon tea or something with friends. I can't see the problem.
I've been to a few and it has always been enjoyable. I usually buy something for mum to be rather than the newborn though.

Never understood the point if a baby shower, but a Registry, seriously?
Grabby grabby,
Don't be daft. No one is going turn up empty handed so you may as well buy something that's needed. A bit like the old weddings before lists The bride and groom would get 20 toasters and a dozen teasmaids ( mum and dad!)