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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect DH to come with us?

444 replies

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:35

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

OP posts:
IsItFinallySeptemberYet · 03/08/2024 08:44

I think he’s a CF & being selfish tbh, but then lots of men/dads are selfish. It’s usually mums who have to organise stuff (holidays) & tolerate things (camping) for the sake of the kids, whilst dads just check out if they can’t be bothered with it. To sit & watch you sort out the tent without helping is utterly shit of him & would be a massive turn-off for me. And yes I agree with you that he could at least show a little concern for you & his kids camping alone, but if he’s willing to watch you struggle with DIY then he’s not the type who’d worry himself much about your safety/wellbeing. Also he should just want to spend time with his family! He should feel sad that his kids will be asking where daddy is & why didn’t he want to come on holiday with them. Surely he can suck up a week of camping FFS. I’m assuming he didn’t propose any other holiday plans, which prompted you to buy the tent?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2024 08:27

PussInBin20 · 03/08/2024 08:24

I would be asking him why he had kids if he doesn’t want to spend any time with them. When they are older they won’t have any great memories of doing anything with him, only you.

This will likely impact their relationship in the future - you reap what you sow as they say. I would remind him of this. Or just divorce him, he doesn’t sound like a great partner or Father.

They have two long haul holidays a year.

Luluco · 03/08/2024 08:24

My DH bought a tent a few years ago. Both myself and DS always said we never wanted to go camping He said he would just use it to camp with our DD in the garden and our relatives garden in the summer. That’s all it’s ever been used for to be honest. My DD is happy she’s had a camping experience even if just in the garden. Camping isn’t for everyone. It’s just not a holiday in my opinion.

PussInBin20 · 03/08/2024 08:24

I would be asking him why he had kids if he doesn’t want to spend any time with them. When they are older they won’t have any great memories of doing anything with him, only you.

This will likely impact their relationship in the future - you reap what you sow as they say. I would remind him of this. Or just divorce him, he doesn’t sound like a great partner or Father.

rookiemere · 03/08/2024 08:12

Cookiemonster14 · 02/08/2024 22:32

Not RTWT but as parents, we all sacrifice things for the good of our children. We are campers, but I understand that’s it’s not for everyone. Yes, I’d prefer an all inclusive in the sun, but my kids love the camping trips more. It’s a few nights, surely he can suck it up? Unless he’s taking the children away for a different holiday himself, surely this is your only ‘family holiday’ of the summer, so all the family need to attend!

I tried camping a few times. Can just about tolerate it for 2 nights if I drink nothing after 8pm, take a sleeping tablet, use eye patches and rig up a homemade toilet thing using nappies in a bucket. Such fun !

I'm all for giving the DCs good times, but £1500 plus camp site fees would get you a half decent Airbnb for say 3-4 summer weeks, provided you chose location carefully.

Besides which before OP bought it, she needed to state her expectations. If DH had told me I was a bad parent for not going camping every weekend with DS I would have started laughing.

Wish44 · 03/08/2024 07:53

He sounds rubbish.

I had a similar situation…. Actually couldn’t lift the tent in my own. I realised I just needed to go alone with kids. I sold the massive tent. Brought a small black out tent for sleeping and an event shelter for the day time! Fabulous and easy to put up. Left grumpy DH at home and offf we went!

Cookiemonster14 · 02/08/2024 22:32

Not RTWT but as parents, we all sacrifice things for the good of our children. We are campers, but I understand that’s it’s not for everyone. Yes, I’d prefer an all inclusive in the sun, but my kids love the camping trips more. It’s a few nights, surely he can suck it up? Unless he’s taking the children away for a different holiday himself, surely this is your only ‘family holiday’ of the summer, so all the family need to attend!

masterblaster · 02/08/2024 22:12

AnnieSnap · 02/08/2024 21:16

Nah, it’s unreasonable to expect your husband to tolerate camping because your kids will like it. If he does other things with the kids that they enjoy, he’s doing his bit there. He tried it, didn’t like it and is entirely reasonable to choose not to do it again. Your circus, your monkeys I’m afraid.

Is everyone on MN suddenly totally wet?

masterblaster · 02/08/2024 22:12

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:48

Of course not, I completely agree with the point. But I’d still see the benefit of the camping trip for the DC (who desperately want to go camping) and if I was male, I would have regard for the safety of the female partner and children..

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DC desperately want to go camping… the first couple of times.

we are a camping family and we go camping but if DP decided they hated it I wouldn’t force them. And wow 1500 quid is a lot to buy for the first go…

Ilovecleaning · 02/08/2024 21:22

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:43

I’m not necessarily expecting him to - he’s an adult, he can chose not to come. But I just feel that he should have more regard to myself and the children.

The difference is, when I’d discussed my ideas of getting a tent and going camping, he never once objected/said it was a bad idea/that he wouldn’t come.

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Unfortunately, sounds like you and DH are not on the same page.
And purchasing such a big item probably needs some discussion.
I do think it was very shitty and lazy of him not to help erect and pack the tent, though. Very sulky and unmanly IMO.

AnnieSnap · 02/08/2024 21:16

Nah, it’s unreasonable to expect your husband to tolerate camping because your kids will like it. If he does other things with the kids that they enjoy, he’s doing his bit there. He tried it, didn’t like it and is entirely reasonable to choose not to do it again. Your circus, your monkeys I’m afraid.

Sillyname63 · 02/08/2024 20:30

Realistically did the TV unit really have to be put together the day you came home from hospital, not exactly an urgent just do.
He didn't object when you spoke about buying a tent but did he agree?
Do you only hear what you want to hear.

Sillyname63 · 02/08/2024 20:22

If this thread had been the other way around and he had wanted and bought a tent and you then said camping isn't for you, everyone would say let him go and you stay at home, it sounds to me that you are the type of person who thinks this is what I think is a good idea and disregards what others think and that's fine but perhaps you should have thought about the type of tent you bought, something that is easier to put together and move around. Do you have a friend with your gung ho attitude perhaps they could go with you and help with the putting together for a "free" holiday.

Newusernameforthiss · 02/08/2024 20:16

WTF is going on in your marriage

None of this is ok? You spent £1.5k on camping gear and you don't even really like it??

You need to talk to your DH about this stuff before doing things, but he needs to actually want to spend time with his family

Dogsbreath7 · 02/08/2024 20:12

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:46

In regards to the last sentence - it’s more that he doesn’t do DIY of any kind, he expects me to do it all. Anything that requires a bit of effort, he refuses to do as he has no interest in it. He expects me to do it or it doesn’t get done. He never helps. Even after I came home having had major surgery, I built a tv unit the day of discharge - whilst he sat and watched…

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What are you getting out of this relationship exactly?

I think he is willing you to fail- go do it and give your family memories- Good or bad (you are camping after all but the bad can be funny in hindsight).

he may get jealous and join you eventually.

there is also camping and camping. I don’t like the ‘pitch in the field’ but that’s because I have 20 acres if my own. I like an indoor pool and preferably a sauna- maybe see if the type of campsite makes a difference.

Top tip for the tent- break it up into parts- usually the doors and windows are zip out. Makes it easier to lift two smaller bundles.

i go caravanning on my own Because we split our leave to cover school holidays. If you find a site within 60-230 mins from home you can leave an open invitation for him to join at the weekend.

but really why are you with him if he doesn’t do anything useful and loads it into you?

Deepf60 · 02/08/2024 19:56

Sorry, I hate camping, caravan they are not in my mind holidays. My husband bought a static caravan years ago, I told him I wouldn't go with him then he got annoyed because I kept to my word.

JustMeAndTheFish · 02/08/2024 19:54

I had one very similar. I bought a big 6 man frame tent, trailer and all the kit and the ex never came with us once… kids were 6 and 11 (twins) We went every year from Cumbria to Cornwall and it was wonderful. I still have that tent and the kids (now 29 and 32) wanted to use it again so we went to our favourite site in Cornwall in 2021.

Itsmecathy87 · 02/08/2024 19:35

I don't understand what the posters are on about. To me this post is about so much more than a tent. You are trying your best to work (and carve out a carreer for yourself?), give your kids the best childhood you can, keep the house nice. Husband earns money that he doesn't share. And is not keen on sharing too much of his time.
How fo you share kids and household expences? Are they shared out fairly?

Kjpt140v · 02/08/2024 19:21

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 00:04

I’ve not once demanded. I made it clear in the post that I’m happy and confident to go alone. I just feel that he should show some sort of concern about our safety - but clearly not.

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What is like joining in with other sorts of entertainment with the kids?

Kjpt140v · 02/08/2024 19:19

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:54

I get all of the comments of people saying “camping isn’t for me - I’d never go”… I feel that I’m potentially not going to be the biggest lover of it - trust me I love nothing more than a 5* AI, but it’s the DC who are desperate to go camping. So I’m doing it for their benefit, and I just struggle to see why DH can’t also do it for their benefit (and also for helping me and ensuring our safety etc)

Stop making excuses, you are allowed to enjoy camping. You will have some wonderful times. Buy yourself a trailer and visit Europe next year, leaving him behind.. I've been all over France, Italy and visited Switzerland. The kids are kids and still talk about their holidays. Try France first, Never maybe. By the way, there is always a muscular guy on site to help you lift.
In addition, I'm surprised nobody has told you to leave him. I've done plenty of things I don't particularly enjoy, so that the kids can have a good time.

Kjpt140v · 02/08/2024 19:12

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 31/07/2024 23:38

If DH spent £1500 on camping equipment and then both expected me to go camping and be happy about it I'd be very annoyed. Camping is a lot of hassle and not much fun. Usually couples discuss things before making large purchases or planning holidays.

Your opinion, camping is great fun and kids love it. I've been to places I would never afford if I didn't go camping. I've been to Switzerland, France, Italy, Austria, fantastic.

ThatPeachLurker · 02/08/2024 18:27

Oof there’s a lot to unpack here but the long and short of it is you’re both unreasonable.

You’re unreasonable for spending so much money on a hobby you’re not even sure you like yet, and taking your DH’s lack of objection as enthusiasm. Surely you would know him well enough by to now to gauge whether it’s something he would like in the first place and have the good sense to have a proper discussion?

You are also unreasonable for having a whinge about “the principle” of his indifference to you going camping alone with children then admit you’re more than capable and happy to.

However the bigger picture here is you have wider issues than whether he likes camping or not (and as you’ve found out it’s really a marmite hobby and you should have been more considerate in your approach) the fact is he’s lazy around the house, lazy out of the house and no doubt lazy with parenting by default.

Why are you doing all this work? Seems you don’t communicate very well or have much in common from hobbies or family values…

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2024 22:16

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 10:46

No, actually I pay for the abroad holidays or we pay 50/50 despite him earning a considerable amount more than me.

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If you can afford all that I don't see why you didn't get a handyman in to build the TV unit as your husband is so (wilfully) useless

adviceneeded1990 · 01/08/2024 21:55

clearmoon · 01/08/2024 09:31

Its so sad that none of the children in your family would enjoy camping. If children are raised with it, most of them benefit from it hugely.

As a teacher, you can often discern which are the camping children in a class, they are often calmer, less materialistic, less reliant on screens, more imaginative, less materialistic and more confident and appreciative.

Obviously, this is a generalisation, and some of this is more about the type of families that go camping rather than the effect of camping, for example, I expect families that are prepared to go off grid for a few days are less screen-dependent anyway, but I really think camping helps a lot with behaviour and development, as well as most children love it.

Its the sense of adventure, setting up your home in a constant series of new places, with new surroundings and new neighbours, as well as the challenge and confidence that comes from being a little bit self reliant, able to build a fire, set up a tent, etc, and the other skills and teamwork you use.

Evenings spent with a pack of cards, or travel yahzee, learning the calls of the birds, tracking deer, experience of big storms under canvas, cooking on the beach, these are all such fond memories.

My children are adult now. I still camp regularly, and they sometimes come with me. One went to a festival recently, with a group of 4 friends, and showed them how to set up, and how to live in a tent - they had an amazing time

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Never been camping in my adult life, hated it as a child, same for DH, and we are exceptionally low screen, both in our parenting and in our own lives. We do value having lots of different experiences though and have stayed everywhere from an empty “glamping” pod, camper van, caravan, travel lodges, hotels, some wonderful quirky accommodation found on air b&b! Holidays are always zero screen apart from the car or flight. I just can’t stand tents 😅

rookiemere · 01/08/2024 21:47

I must admit I'm more on team DH.

Last year DH bought a motorhome. We already tried a motorhome holiday with DS when he was younger, and it was not a success. But nothing would saturate DH except he got this motorhome.

So I said yes on the basis he would mostly be using it with ddog and if I was using it I wouldn't be responsible for navigation of any sort because I hate it, and he would be responsible for cleaning and maintenance issues including emptying the ghastly toilet thing Envy.

To bystanders it may look like I am being lazy on the odd occasion I sleep in the thing, but I would much rather be sleeping in a proper bed with a proper toilet, so really Ive done about as much compromising as I can without cleaning another toilet/sink/kitchen area.

Ironically the one thing good about the motorhome is it's better than camping.