Page 17 | To expect DH to come with us?

Purpleskiesabove · 2024-07-31T22:35:45+00:00

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference. DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to. Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong! since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school. DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him. I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to. AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time? Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!? I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

Original poster

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 00:29

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/08/2024 00:15

There’s an odd tone of martyr going on evidenced by the tv cabinet thing as well. It’s your responsibility to look after yourself irrespective of him being useless, you didn’t need to do that, it was a choice.

Likewise, you spent a lot of money on something you’ve decided the kids want/need which you’re now saying you actually don’t fancy and at no point did you discuss with him whether he’d want to be involved. Why did you do it? I know hardly anyone who goes camping, we don’t as DH would rather stick pins in his eyes, and their children, and ours, don’t appear to be damaged by it.

Was your mum a martyr type when you were growing up?

If I didn’t build it, he never would. I got home, it was taking up too much space, I wanted it building and I knew there was only one way it was going to get done.

I had many conversations with him about getting a tent and going camping. Like I said in the post, he wasn’t overly enthusiastic but he never once objected or said no. That’s often the tone he takes to new ideas as I know full well that inside his head he’d be thinking “but that means I’ll have to spend more time away from my business” (he doesn’t have to work as much as he does; he chooses to)

In the sense that my mum did everything for myself and sibling then yes, as my dad worked 12 hour shifts Monday-Friday. But my dad would still pull his weight when it came to the more stereotypically male tasks.

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RedHelenB · 01/08/2024 00:25

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 31/07/2024 23:38

If DH spent £1500 on camping equipment and then both expected me to go camping and be happy about it I'd be very annoyed. Camping is a lot of hassle and not much fun. Usually couples discuss things before making large purchases or planning holidays.

This, although I like camping.

InBedBy10 · 01/08/2024 00:24

From your other posts, I think camping is the least of your problems. You want your husband to prioritise his family. Unfortunately he's not willing to. Sitting back and watching you do all the heavy lifting, both mentally and physically suggests someone whose checked out. Watching you do DIY a day after surgery suggests he doesn't give a shit about you. Too harsh? Maybe.

From the sounds of it he's not interested in family life. Have you tried couples counselling or sitting him down and spelling out exactly how you feel? I couldn't live with a man like this.... I can see why you're frustrated.

SwingTheMonkey · 01/08/2024 00:23

So your husband is notoriously selfish and useless but you’re still surprised he doesn’t want to grin and bear a family trip?

Original poster

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 00:23

GoFigure235 · 01/08/2024 00:14

He sounds like a wet lettuce and lazy to boot.

You sound somewhat overbearing OP, if I'm honest. If someone went out and spent a small fortune buying equipment for something they knew I probably wouldn't like doing, and then were put out when I tried to avoid it, I'd definitely put them on the "too much hard work" list.

You don't sound completely without brain cells from your posts, just a bit odd. So my out there guess would be that you dreamt up this whole (expensive) scheme as a way of punishing your husband for being a lazy fucker (and incidentally benefiting the kids) and now you're annoyed he's trying to wriggle out of it like a lazy eel.

I'd suggest grasping the bull by the horns. "Righto, I'm off to do some solo camping for a bit, you're in charge of the kids".

Then book yourself into a Travelodge. Masochism isn't a good quality.

I wouldn’t agree with being overbearing, if anything I’m quite the opposite.

I think I’ve got to the point where me and DC have been second best (to his business) for far too long and anything that I/we (myself and DC) want to do, always gets pushed aside because DH is “too busy with work”. I’ve lived for far too long with not doing anything for me and DC missing out on certain things because DH “is far too busy” (basically doesn’t want to and doesn’t want to prioritise us), that this time I’ve just thought “sod it - he hasn’t objected, so I’m going to do what we (myself and DC) want to do for once”.

I’ll happily take them alone, and I’ve openly told DH that I’ll take them alone. I’ve not once tried to force him or persuade him in to coming - which I think is a lot of people’s assumption. I clearly stated to him when he said he didn’t want to go to the said location, “I’ll still be taking the DC and we’ll be going anyway”.

I just feel that he should have more regard for us - but maybe not, judging by quite a few of the comments.

OP posts:

RawBloomers · 01/08/2024 00:21

Yes, camping is great for kids in some circumstances. But not all. My family went camping when I was a kid and it was miserable. And I went camping with guides and it was incredibly dull. But camping I did with friends in my teens and as an adult I’ve loved.

There are all sorts of things about your DH that sound unreasonable. But I’m with the camp(!) that says camping is something that some people just don’t do and you should have been upfront about checking he would definitely be up for it before you spent a small fortune on camping gear.

He’s a pretty shit Dad if he won’t come up with things to do with the kids. But if you’re going on two long haul holidays a year, they are getting enough overnight trips. Kids don’t need parent organized adventures every month.

Delphiniumandlupins · 01/08/2024 00:21

Take your kids camping on your own. You'll find some muscly, outdoorsy guy to help you load the tent into the car. Make sure the children tell DH about the nice man who helped mummy. He'll come next time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/08/2024 00:15

There’s an odd tone of martyr going on evidenced by the tv cabinet thing as well. It’s your responsibility to look after yourself irrespective of him being useless, you didn’t need to do that, it was a choice.

Likewise, you spent a lot of money on something you’ve decided the kids want/need which you’re now saying you actually don’t fancy and at no point did you discuss with him whether he’d want to be involved. Why did you do it? I know hardly anyone who goes camping, we don’t as DH would rather stick pins in his eyes, and their children, and ours, don’t appear to be damaged by it.

Was your mum a martyr type when you were growing up?

GoFigure235 · 01/08/2024 00:14

He sounds like a wet lettuce and lazy to boot.

You sound somewhat overbearing OP, if I'm honest. If someone went out and spent a small fortune buying equipment for something they knew I probably wouldn't like doing, and then were put out when I tried to avoid it, I'd definitely put them on the "too much hard work" list.

You don't sound completely without brain cells from your posts, just a bit odd. So my out there guess would be that you dreamt up this whole (expensive) scheme as a way of punishing your husband for being a lazy fucker (and incidentally benefiting the kids) and now you're annoyed he's trying to wriggle out of it like a lazy eel.

I'd suggest grasping the bull by the horns. "Righto, I'm off to do some solo camping for a bit, you're in charge of the kids".

Then book yourself into a Travelodge. Masochism isn't a good quality.

Original poster

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 00:12

i probably should add that we do have 2, what would probably be classed as “luxury”, long haul holidays per year - and we still have one to look forward to this year. So it’s not even as if the camping trips are his “main holiday” - it’s just extra trips/adventures for DC. And to explore this country a little more/get outdoors more. Which ironically he’s all for…and is quick to moan and complain if they’ve watched too much tv/had their tablets for too long etc (despite not even being here and knowing how long they’ve had screen time for!)

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Original poster

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 00:12

Fifteentreefrogs · 01/08/2024 00:05

He sounds like a selfish twat from the extra info youve given.
It's one thing not to like camping.. it's another to completely disengage from family life and just leave it all up to your wife.
Dies he have alternative activity ideas for the kids? Is he going to plan and finance some family holiday to replace the camping?
No. He's a selfish twat.

I go camping with my kids in order to spend time with them. It's uncomfortable and I don't sleep AT ALL. But they love it so I'm willing to do it for short periods of time. My compromise is that its only a couple of nights here and there, and the campsites have toilets.

He doesn’t have alternate activity suggestions; he leaves everything for me to suggest and organise. If I don’t plan/suggest activities or days out, they don’t happen.

I agree with your last comment too; I only plan to camp with electric, have decent clean showers and toilets; plus everything I’ve brought has made camping life more comfortable - so it’s hardly like he’d be roughing it and he knows that!

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PerfectTravelTote · 01/08/2024 00:09

"never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping..."

Did ask him?
It sounds like you might have made assumptions. Thats not his fault.

Fifteentreefrogs · 01/08/2024 00:06

However I do think you need to be more assertive. I understand you just get on with things when he opts out of them.. but then he never has to take any responsibility. He knows you'll just take care of it whilst he does what he wants.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/08/2024 00:05

'but it’s the DC who are desperate to go camping'

why ?

do you actually mean camping or do you mean going away on a holiday ?

how old are these children
what do they know about camping - are their family / friends / neighbours always going camping ?

Theoldbird · 01/08/2024 00:05

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:46

In regards to the last sentence - it’s more that he doesn’t do DIY of any kind, he expects me to do it all. Anything that requires a bit of effort, he refuses to do as he has no interest in it. He expects me to do it or it doesn’t get done. He never helps. Even after I came home having had major surgery, I built a tv unit the day of discharge - whilst he sat and watched…

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He sounds like a man child. Very immature and not a team player at all.

But why on earth would you assemble a tv cabinet so soon after major surgery? You really need to examine yourself here.

Fifteentreefrogs · 01/08/2024 00:05

He sounds like a selfish twat from the extra info youve given.
It's one thing not to like camping.. it's another to completely disengage from family life and just leave it all up to your wife.
Dies he have alternative activity ideas for the kids? Is he going to plan and finance some family holiday to replace the camping?
No. He's a selfish twat.

I go camping with my kids in order to spend time with them. It's uncomfortable and I don't sleep AT ALL. But they love it so I'm willing to do it for short periods of time. My compromise is that its only a couple of nights here and there, and the campsites have toilets.

Original poster

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 00:04

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 01/08/2024 00:02

The arse is the one who unilaterally went out and bought a tent and is now demanding that the dh should come so they are safe.

I’ve not once demanded. I made it clear in the post that I’m happy and confident to go alone. I just feel that he should show some sort of concern about our safety - but clearly not.

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BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 01/08/2024 00:02

The arse is the one who unilaterally went out and bought a tent and is now demanding that the dh should come so they are safe.

neilyoungismyhero · 01/08/2024 00:01

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:46

In regards to the last sentence - it’s more that he doesn’t do DIY of any kind, he expects me to do it all. Anything that requires a bit of effort, he refuses to do as he has no interest in it. He expects me to do it or it doesn’t get done. He never helps. Even after I came home having had major surgery, I built a tv unit the day of discharge - whilst he sat and watched…

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Personally I would have started off with a cheap second hand tent and equipment just in case of this scenario but if you've got the money it's no issue.
Re. Your husband/childrens father he's an unpleasant arsehole.

Turophilic · 01/08/2024 00:01

it’s the DC who are desperate to go camping

…And that’s why god invented Brownies and Cubs.
My DD loves to camp. It’s my line in the sand. I outsourced all that shit. And bought the leaders REALLY good thank you gifts each year.

Priggishsausagebore · 31/07/2024 23:59

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:54

I get all of the comments of people saying “camping isn’t for me - I’d never go”… I feel that I’m potentially not going to be the biggest lover of it - trust me I love nothing more than a 5* AI, but it’s the DC who are desperate to go camping. So I’m doing it for their benefit, and I just struggle to see why DH can’t also do it for their benefit (and also for helping me and ensuring our safety etc)

Because camping is monumentally shit. It's impossible to sleep, there's no running water, you have to walk to a toilet across a field, you'll be woken at dawn after getting two minutes sleep that was cold and uncomfortable.

It's ok to tell children "no, that's not something I'd enjoy, I would actively hate it so I'm not doing it".

If your kids wanted to bungee jump and you were scared of heights would you do it?

People who like camping don't get people who don't like it but your DH gave it a go and doesn't want to do it again. He's allowed to decide that

Frankly I can't believe you spent 1500 on camping stuff without discussing it properly with him. I'd be furious with you if I was him.

pizzaHeart · 31/07/2024 23:59

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 31/07/2024 23:38

If DH spent £1500 on camping equipment and then both expected me to go camping and be happy about it I'd be very annoyed. Camping is a lot of hassle and not much fun. Usually couples discuss things before making large purchases or planning holidays.

This^
And you can have quality family time without going camping.
Yes, I would expect my DH to help with heavy things ( I just wouldn’t be able to deal with them myself) but it’s a separate issue.

Turophilic · 31/07/2024 23:57

To paraphrase Meatloaf, I would do anything for love (of my children) but I won’t do that (camp)

I would rather never have another holiday than go camping. I can’t blame your DH, especially as time off is so hard when self employed.

You were unreasonable to expect he would come without discussing it first. Camping is not for everyone.

Tumblingjungleofchaos · 31/07/2024 23:56

I don't think this is necessarily all about the camping itself.

I think it's highlighted to you that your DH is both selfish and unhelpful, and disinterested in family life.

Original poster

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:54

I get all of the comments of people saying “camping isn’t for me - I’d never go”… I feel that I’m potentially not going to be the biggest lover of it - trust me I love nothing more than a 5* AI, but it’s the DC who are desperate to go camping. So I’m doing it for their benefit, and I just struggle to see why DH can’t also do it for their benefit (and also for helping me and ensuring our safety etc)

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