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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to come with us?

444 replies

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:35

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 01/08/2024 01:54

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 01:12

He knows that I can more than look after myself. I think it probably concerns him to an extent actually how independent I am. But what I’m asking is, surely the “normal” thing would be for him to have some concern? No?

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Only if he is chauvinistic, which is unfortunately more normal than it should be, but it’s not good.

Vettrianofan · 01/08/2024 01:53

Go camping with friends instead?

I used to camp but can't anymore due to my hips, but you can't railroad someone into it...

My DC enjoy it so DH has to unfortunately take one DC on his own at a time. I am just not fit. Too ancient and decrepit.

urbanbuddha · 01/08/2024 01:53

From a practical point of view phone the campsite a few days in advance and ask if there’s a local teenager who knows what they’re doing who’d like £20 to help you put up the tent. It’s difficult enough on your own but it’s ten times worse if it’s raining.

Meanwhile33 · 01/08/2024 01:52

I don’t think the problem is camping, I think the problem is your DH is lazy and selfish and expects you to do all the work, in every situation.

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 01:49

Ottersmith · 01/08/2024 01:45

Don't you share finances? I don't think that as a man he should be worried for your safety as a lone female. You'd be alright. It's more about the fact he doesn't do anything. You need to stop martyring yourself and maybe divorce him if he seems to have checked out.

No, he’s always wanted to keep finances separate…

OP posts:
vanana · 01/08/2024 01:49

As a child, I went camping. It made me resolve never ever to do it again. If I had a choice between camping or having no holiday, I’d have no holiday. every single time. Nothing would make me want to camp - well, unless someone was going to pay me a lot of money to do it.

Your dh does sound like he puts himself first. It’s difficult to see where his selfishness ends and where his reluctance to camp begins.

I can see why your dh would refuse to come camping.

You probably should have explicitly asked him whether he would be willing to do many camping holidays, rather than relying on him not having said he wouldn’t cone when you were talking about a tent.

i don’t agree that camping is necessarily beneficial to all kids. I bloody despised it!

dollopz · 01/08/2024 01:48

Get a smaller tent plus gazebo

LadyWiddiothethird · 01/08/2024 01:46

Think you have a husband problem for sure.But I don’t understand why you bought a tent weighing 40kg.! You can get a huge tent that weighs way less.Do some research,sell the heavy tent and get a lighter one.

Ottersmith · 01/08/2024 01:45

Don't you share finances? I don't think that as a man he should be worried for your safety as a lone female. You'd be alright. It's more about the fact he doesn't do anything. You need to stop martyring yourself and maybe divorce him if he seems to have checked out.

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 01:43

BoxOfCats · 01/08/2024 01:42

It sounds like the crux of the issue is that you're someone who puts other people before you, while your DH just puts himself first every time.

Have I got that right?

100%

OP posts:
BoxOfCats · 01/08/2024 01:42

It sounds like the crux of the issue is that you're someone who puts other people before you, while your DH just puts himself first every time.

Have I got that right?

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 01:40

JustTalkToThem · 01/08/2024 01:39

This is ALL on you - not him. You wanted it built RIGHT after surgery and martyred yourself for it. If your TV was on the floor for ages, it could have stayed there for longer until you weren't "just out of major surgery".

Your husband might indeed be a lazy asshole, but you haven't actually proven that with any of your creeping anecdotes in this thread.

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Okay no worries.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 01:40

JustTalkToThem · 01/08/2024 01:35

You said in you OP he went with you - he tried it. What more do you want? You're saying that if he went ONE more time you'd be fine with it and not worried about the bears or whatever goes after solo mothers? I wouldn't want my DH to do shit he hated - why do you want him to do that?

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I suppose it’s because it all goes a lot deeper than surface value. He never makes any true effort to do anything that’s important to myself or DC. Yet I’ve basically compromised and sacrificed huge, huge amounts for him and for him to be able to run his business the way that he does. The lack of compromise just makes me feel unvalued on top of being low on the priority list.

OP posts:
JustTalkToThem · 01/08/2024 01:39

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 01:30

lol it did. My tv had been on the floor for too long and I was excited that it had arrived! It however would still be sat there now, all these years later if I had t have done it. Tbf it’s the fact that he happily sat watching me build it and didn’t once try to help, knowing what I’d been through. It’s things like that that speak volumes to me.

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This is ALL on you - not him. You wanted it built RIGHT after surgery and martyred yourself for it. If your TV was on the floor for ages, it could have stayed there for longer until you weren't "just out of major surgery".

Your husband might indeed be a lazy asshole, but you haven't actually proven that with any of your creeping anecdotes in this thread.

JustTalkToThem · 01/08/2024 01:35

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 01:28

That’s the difference, you did it a few times because you knew it was important to him..

more than happy to go by myself with the kids, just disappointed with his lack of effort.

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You said in you OP he went with you - he tried it. What more do you want? You're saying that if he went ONE more time you'd be fine with it and not worried about the bears or whatever goes after solo mothers? I wouldn't want my DH to do shit he hated - why do you want him to do that?

Octavia64 · 01/08/2024 01:35

I camped with my DC.

ExH didn't come as he hated it.

I wouldn't expect a loving man to have concern for his wife's safety on a paid for campsite, no. Nor would I expect him to be worried if she went shopping (lots of other people there), went to a hotel on her own (lots of people have access to the room via key cards) etc.

Even if he were the kind of man to be concerned, camping on a paid for campsite is a low risk activity.

LBFseBrom · 01/08/2024 01:33

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 31/07/2024 23:38

If DH spent £1500 on camping equipment and then both expected me to go camping and be happy about it I'd be very annoyed. Camping is a lot of hassle and not much fun. Usually couples discuss things before making large purchases or planning holidays.

I agree.

Op, your husband tried to enjoy himself when you tried it out but, having done it, he now doesn't want to do it again.

Camping is not for everyone. There are other ways of having a family break that do not involve so much work and that do include indoor plumbing.

I'd hate camping. Once would be enough for me, never again.

Sell your equipment, write off any losses and buy yourself a break in an air b'n'b or a Haven holiday. Both are basic but no hassle and generally enjoyed by families.

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 01:32

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/08/2024 01:28

There is a big difference in compromise going to Disney land and camping though. And presumably Disney land isn't going to be a regular weekend occurrence unlike camping.

This won’t be a weekly occurrence either. DC have sporting commitments on weekends. It’s just something we’d like to do a few times across the year during school holidays. I didn’t think a few nights, a few times a year was too much to ask.

OP posts:
totallythere · 01/08/2024 01:32

This is exactly it. There is no compromise with him if it’s something that’s not his cup of tea. Whereas I will always compromise, and I’ll do things that aren’t to my taste but that I know he’d appreciate etc. But he can’t seem to do that for DC and I. I think this is probably why it’s bothered me like it has.

@Purpleskiesabove I think you need to discuss this with him openly. Sorry if I've missed a post that says you have already. I just dont understand the replies here where people think a partner should never compromise on something for the sake of the rest of the family. If you're compromising a lot then he's clearly used to getting his own way and sulks when he can't do exactly what he wants. Jesus we would have been divorced years ago if this was the case but our willingness to try out what the other likes especially if it's something that will benefit the kids always comes first. This year we went on one luxury holiday, one camping, and one to visit DHs parents (which is a yearly thing and yes drives me mad being with them sometimes, but it's important to him and DC) so I suck it up and want to be a part of that experience. I don't say 'no you guys go alone without me'. DC are only young for a short time and I want to experience it all with them while they enjoy being with us parents!

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 01:30

JustTalkToThem · 01/08/2024 01:28

Lol - this is on you. Did that TV Unit HAVE to be built that day?

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lol it did. My tv had been on the floor for too long and I was excited that it had arrived! It however would still be sat there now, all these years later if I had t have done it. Tbf it’s the fact that he happily sat watching me build it and didn’t once try to help, knowing what I’d been through. It’s things like that that speak volumes to me.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/08/2024 01:28

There is a big difference in compromise going to Disney land and camping though. And presumably Disney land isn't going to be a regular weekend occurrence unlike camping.

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 01:28

JustTalkToThem · 01/08/2024 01:26

I'm sure you're not camping out in the middle of wilderness - so you'll be fine without a big strong man. Turns out solo women, single mothers, and others camp just fine.

Also why not be happy that he tried something he doesn't like than finding something to be mad about. This will be something that you and kiddos can share together, and he'll have his own thing with them.

My husband quickly learned that I hate camping. I did it a few times to show him I love him and now I send him off with a smile on my face.

That’s the difference, you did it a few times because you knew it was important to him..

more than happy to go by myself with the kids, just disappointed with his lack of effort.

OP posts:
JustTalkToThem · 01/08/2024 01:28

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:46

In regards to the last sentence - it’s more that he doesn’t do DIY of any kind, he expects me to do it all. Anything that requires a bit of effort, he refuses to do as he has no interest in it. He expects me to do it or it doesn’t get done. He never helps. Even after I came home having had major surgery, I built a tv unit the day of discharge - whilst he sat and watched…

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Lol - this is on you. Did that TV Unit HAVE to be built that day?

JustTalkToThem · 01/08/2024 01:26

I'm sure you're not camping out in the middle of wilderness - so you'll be fine without a big strong man. Turns out solo women, single mothers, and others camp just fine.

Also why not be happy that he tried something he doesn't like than finding something to be mad about. This will be something that you and kiddos can share together, and he'll have his own thing with them.

My husband quickly learned that I hate camping. I did it a few times to show him I love him and now I send him off with a smile on my face.

FluentRubyDog · 01/08/2024 01:23

You knew he doesn't like camping. From what you have said, you spent £1500 on something he doesn't want without even discussing it me. And now you want help with it and get pissy when he's not that bothered.

Frankly, if my H did what you did, I'd be profoundly unimpressed.