To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

People can be total arseholes here op, they know exactly why you are worried. If you can’t find empties in the house, if you can, check the car.

Some of the responses on this thread are disgraceful. Honestly, I am very old but I thought by now women would be supportive of each other.

Anyone has the right to know if alcohol is being brought into and heavy drinking is going on in their OWN house. No matter who it is. If he is spending OP's money she has the right to know.

All those implying or saying the OP is a stalker because she looks at and is puzzled by her OWN ring doorbell obviously don't give a shiny shit about their own family.

OP I don't have any advice but it seems to me you're doing the right thing by trying to reach out for help in the first place.

I agree with Pillofy too 100%

just one thing, does your husband have Bupa or similar?

My husband has and was able to call them for help which ended up with him being in rehab for a month, no way could we have afforded the 20 grand ourselves but turns out, so far, to have been the best thing that’s happened to us - 15 months alcohol free, his employer was so supportive he just had to bite the bullet and be honest with them.

I could have written every post you have and of course you become a super detective when living with a clever ? Functional alcoholic and until you’ve lived with one you’d never understand.

Wishing you all the best and hope your partner will admit to his problem and seek help because sadly when they’re this far down the road they can’t just stop without help.

My life has changed beyond what I could have imagined, drink is no longer on my radar it’s freed my mind up - didn’t realise how much space it was taking up in my head until it wasn’t.

It is worrying behaviour. Worrying that this man's drink problem has turned his wife into someone with so little peace of mind, she is hyper vigilant. Never able to relax in case the day veers of course and the man she expects to see has been replaced by an incoherent mess, incapable of holding up his share of joint activities, or childcare. That she will maybe have to cover for him with her DC and others. Scared that yet again she will have been lied to and taken for a fool with no eyes or sense of smell and that rather than have an ordinary day she will have to again reflect on whether it's time to upend her life and leave the man she maybe still loves. She's checking because she's frightened and desperate to reassure herself and the appropriate way to do that, asking him, isn't open to her, because she can no longer believe anything he says. If you've never been there, please don't intimate the OP is akin to an abusive controlling person. It's entirely different.

Op, if you try to use the "Ring" evidence he will probably have the same reaction as those who have the "controllling" reaction based on our previous experiences. I don't believe you mean to be controlling... I think you genuinely care for him. But you looked because you don't trust him. And that's because you know, without evidence, that he is drinking.

I hope you find the support you need from the places others have signposted you too.

My GP called it self medicating when I mentioned my DF’s lifelong drinking.
But this might be a good term to use for your DCs - don’t cover it up, keep them informed of the situation. It’s as hurtful for them , that he won’t stop drinking, as it is for you…… and the resultant break down of the family.

I would add, you will have to face up to the fact that you can't control or stop him. I absolutely understand the need to check up, investigate etc. That's just what you do, in the early stages of figuring it out.

OP, everyone who lives with an alcoholic does what you're doing. It's part and parcel of living with an addict.

I understand. It's not about being controlling.

Get yourself over to the addiction boards on MN.

irrespective of the reason it’s way live him being tracked and spied on and u feeling the need to do that

I totally see why OP is doing this, but if she'd posted saying " DH has been checking the ring doorbell to see if I'm going out" MN would be screaming control, abuse, LTB.

Yeah 'I'm not an unhinged stalker I am concerned'

Men do tracking its creepy and controlled and red flag and some weird grey rock thing

Women do tracking its concerned and doesn't he know I have anxiety

This place never fails on the double standard

Give Al Anon a ring - they were great for me and opened my eyes to the fact that I was enabling my OHs excessive drinking by brushing his behaviour under the carpet. It took one too many embarassing social situations for me to finally confront it and have the “me or the booze” ultimatum which I was prepared to carry through. I’ve come.out the other side and we are still together - alcohol free three years down the line. It is a difficult road but we are both healthier, financially better off, and closer as a result. The trust is growing, but I’m still alert for signs.

please dont try and find proof it will eat you up.
i know its tempting

I live with a functioning alcoholic. Twenty years ago I would never imagine I would write that sentence. I have made a series of decisions based upon our circumstances and we continue to live for the most part, happily together. However after reading your post there are a couple of key differences, age and children, the biggest one being children. My OH and I don't have children together. If I had young children in my current circumstances I would leave. That sounds harsh. But drinking a lot is expensive so it takes your financial resource but it also takes away your personal capacity to care for and love. Often my OH is physically present but just too out of it to meaningfully engage. He won't remember conversations we have had or plans we have made. You can't bring up children in those circumstances. I would suggest you talk with him but If he is an alcoholic don't expect too much. My OH says stuff like no, don't be daft, I can wait to have a drink until after I'm back from Tesco ( where he goes to buy his two or three bottles of wine for the day).

Agree with this.

Even if you "catch him" he will protest make pronises and resort to new measures.

Its insane the levels people will go to.
My ex boyfriends dad was recovered but used to put it all kinds of elaborate places the one i remember is he used an empty bottles of domestos which stayed with me as it is so sad and desperate and sums up how awful the whole thing is.

I think if you feel you need concrete proof you need to work out WHEN he is doing it (Tuesday between lunch and 6pm) and take a half day off and track him on the app and follow him to the off licence and catch him in the act.

But...You dont need to do this really as you know... you also have a dd so should be making moves to leave. Only he can decise to stop / get help.

He can easily disable the doorbell.

The fact that you are resorting to playing detective proves it has gone too far. The situation is dysfunctional. You know he is drinking. You also know that you don’t trust him. That is what matters. Not how much he is drinking or having proof.

if you have children in this situation, you can’t allow it to fester. have to decide if it’s time to just leave or if it’s just time for one more confrontation and chance for him to get sober.

Huge sympathy OP - as others have said, unless you’ve lived with an alcoholic there’s no way to understand how stressful, all consuming and upsetting it is. Speaking from experience I would honestly get out sooner rather than later as you just can’t negotiate with this illness or make it better. Good luck, put yourself first - I hate to say it but you will always come second to the booze and you deserve better.

Well I couldn't figure out how to get notified if the wifi was off- doesn't mean it's not possible I guess, but I checked every menu option in the app. You could always blame the wifi itself though.

So if Dh has the doorbell app, my only option is to turn the WiFi off, right? That will definitely work? He won't get notifications? Is that guaranteed? I will talk to him about this all aswell, fear not!

Reading with interest. I hate Alexa, in the kitchen listening to me. Suggesting things on Facebook that I've only talked to Dh About !

I hate being big brother watched by ring doorbell. Over the weekend I put a piece of paper over the doorbell to hide a few things I was doing - eg to create lovely presents and a photo board in secret for Dh's 60th birthday party on Saturday. I'm now thinking that I will do this more often and turn off the Wi-Fi more because I just resent being watched all the time as don't like it.

Some years ago a fast friend of mine was cheating on her husband. Much of the extramarital sex happened at hers when her husband was out, with the affair partner coming to her house. I often think now of how difficult that would be to pull off in this day and age with Ring Doorbells etc. But I guess they can be tampered with, as you're finding @Clueless2000.

As others have pointed out,the doorbell is the least of it. Sit down and have a candid chat with him about his drinking; it's the only way. The AA has been helpful for many I know. Drink is a tough one as it's fucking everywhere, but for many of us we can't drink in moderation.

There's help out there if he wants it. Good luck.