To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

It leaves you suspicious when your spouse or partner is a drinker. They are so sneaky it's unbelievable. They can swear blind to your face that they haven't and their eyes are glazed. Op your gut is telling you what you need to know. You develop a 6th sense with these things.

I got a funny feeling as soon as something changed. It used to leave me with so much anxiety. I feel for you.

BTW I was never wrong. I always found something. It's a sad state of affairs to live like that.

What on earth are you talking about ?

My god.what people have come to thru technology.

They can see OP. Sometimes MN posters just come online to find “ an angle.”

This. Ring doorbells and the connected phone and tablet apps apps allow you to see who is coming and going, and even answer the door remotely if you’re not at home. Otherwise what’s the point of having a ring doorbell ? They’re commonplace, so l think it’s ridiculous of posters to jump to the conclusion that you somehow have control issues when you have good reason for your actions.

Yes, he can turn the system on and off, and delete video of himself coming and going, and speaking as someone with experience of a family member with a drink problem, l think you’re right to suspect that this is what he’s doing.

Also speaking from experience in agreeing with a poster upthread. If he’s drinking a hefty amount, as you suspect, you’re not going to be able to control the situation, and accepting the status quo is not an option. The problem will get worse, it will ultimately affect his job as his function diminishes, and it’s clearly already affecting your finances. The next stage is you standing helplessly by as it affects his health and the consequences leech into every area of your lives. You have to get over the feeling that you should be helping him. You can’t, he has to accept that he has a problem and act to help himself. Sorry you’re going through this. It’s shit and l really feel for you.

There are different levels of private health care so it's worth just checking the actual policy. Mine for example definately includes getting some help for drug addiction but also, because we all know that drink or drugs can occur due to either MH issues. In my policy that my empoyer pays for they pay for 20 lots of counselling sessions and you don't even need to speak to the GP, you can self refer, which I did. As long as the counsellor is linked into bupa it is very easy to deal with and the employer cannot find out what help someone is receiving.
If your ring doorbell shows him leaving the house and you can prove it, it doesn't mean he won't protest his innocence or disgust at you. He is the addict and in that moment will want to deny it because that's what he's already doing. You can purchase one time brethlyzers which indicate if someone had been drinking. You know your husband and how he is likely to react but he is already lying so ring footage isn't going to be proof positive. If you try to force him to tke a brethlyzer would he try to deny the results? Would he become angry? At the moment I fear you'd need to be 2 steps ahead of the addiction and I would most highly recommend getting advice from professionals first, because the last thing you want to do, is for him to retreat into the addiction, his safe space, rather than feeling safe enough to admit to himself and to you that he is an alcohol lic, let alone being able to take an action to address it.
On a completely different note, where people have said about their ring doorbell not always or being slow to notify you, I found that it can need for the doorbell and chime boxes to have a 'reserved dhcp' on the wifi router. Usually this type of setting is available and a quick Google with the provider of your broadband router will direct you how to sort it out. Did this 2 years ago after a year of thinking poor wifi or app problems, and it's been perfect ever since.

I haven't read the full thread @Clueless2000 and you probably know by now that all he has to do is go into the Ring app on his phone and turn off the WiFi.

It's as simple as that. When he returns to the house, he can simply turn the WiFi back on in the app.

Like the experienced people on this thread that have been in your shoes, you have my full sympathy.

It's an exhausting living nightmare.

@daisychain01 i have never known a post on mumsnet where an alcohol dependency has been minimised.
I have actually been abused and stalked on mumsnet for 'ruining my children's lives'.
I post under the above name only to talk about alcohol related issues, for everything else I use my regular name.
The question is can alcoholics recover? Yes they can but they have to want to and I'm going to suggest they need to understand the process. 'Cold turkey' is the only way and it ain't easy. Support groups can be so helpful. AA seems to work better with men.
OP @Clueless2000 if you want anymore help from me please ask.

If motion triggers an event to be recorded, that event can be viewed by the main user and deleted easily with no trace.

This is done by hitting the three dots above “more” where one of the options is delete.

Living with an alcoholic can drive you to do things that are objectively insane. I've rooted through bins to count the empties. I've tiptoed down the stairs to try to catch the secret night drinking. I've searched the secret hiding places. If Ring cameras and location tracking had been a thing back then I'd have been watching those, too.

But all that achieved precisely nothing. I could tell when she'd been drinking just by the look in her eyes and the way she spoke. Sure, she'd lie about it but that's just what alcoholics do - they drink and they lie about their dining.

But if I knew she'd been drinking, and she undoubtedly knew when she'd been drinking, why was I driving myself nuts trying to find evidence of her drinking that she'd just flat-out deny anyway? Even when I'd present the evidence and, after what felt like hours of denial she finally admitted the truth and said she'd stop, she never did for long. And then we'd start on the same ridiculous roller coaster all over again.

The sad reality is that my ex didn't want to stop drinking. It didn't matter that I wanted her to stop or that I knew everyone's lives would be better if she stopped. She didn't want to. And I realised I had neither the legal nor moral right to insist she lives her life the way I thought she should. Her drinking was not in my control. What was in my control was to decide if I wanted to continue being with an untrustworthy, lying alcoholic or not. I chose not to. I should have done it sooner.

If recommend going to Al anon. I found it so helpful. This in particular

Kids will know dad is a drunk.
Kids friends will know.

He'll function right until he implodes or dies from alcohol related diseases.

a nannycam is not necessary
the op knows

You can buy booze on Amazon fwiw

Ok so OP, for your sanity and closure, I would get a nanny cam in the hallway just to get a definitive answer. Your gut is telling you he is drinking and it’s clearly affecting you a lot. If you find something out then confront him and tell him he has to get help or else it’s over. You need to get out of this unhealthy situation.

Huge empathy to you OP. Heavy drinking is very destructive, people seem to normalise it in here, but it can absolutely destroy a relationship, family life, and yes if you don't have the money and your DH is spending out of the family budget on drink that's unacceptable. It is your business and you aren't being controlling, but you'll always be made out to be the bad person, never the drinker.

Its only natural that you're trying to figure out if he is drinking secretly, that's the horrible situation you have been placed in because he's dishonest

he's already acknowledged to you before that he needs to cut down, but still carries on.

Al Anon is a good shout re getting advice and support.

Even if you catch him red handed It's not going to prove anything. Even if he briefly agrees, which is unlikely they'll be manipulation and deflection and you'll probably end up being blamed. It'll be a one off or a stressful day or how dare you not trust him you're driving him to it. It's the nature of addiction and it's one of the reasons trying to catch him at it is pointless. Lying and manipulation go hand in hand with addiction. You have children, whatever anyone wants to decide about you owing you partner support doesn't matter because you have kids and protecting them is way more important than supporting him. FWIW I don't think you'd owe him support or should feel guilty for leaving if you didn't have kids, but once you have kids that makes it much more clear cut. Protect your kids, protect your mental health and try to remind yourself if you feel guilty that the people you owe support to first and foremost are you kids, not him.

Just wanted to say I don't think you are stalking him. My husband has had addiction issues (drugs) and would deny it and turn it round to me being paranoid!! I completely understand why you feel that you want physical evidence. I did too. It messes with you mentally . Hope you get through to him and he receives the help he needs. My husband is 18 months clean on drugs but has slowly increased his drinking to a very unhealthy amount and refuses to cut down. I think this will become a serious issue soon. Good luck OP - it's hard !

@Clueless2000 I am sorry you are going through this.
You do need some support Al-non or such.
I am holding the MN thread on alcohol support this month and have contributed since I gave up drinking two and a half years ago.
How did I do it? A commitment to my family. I work at a very high level in business, lots of entertaining etc. However after a horrendous caring situation and subsequent bereavement my over indulgence tipped in to dependancy. I was drinking 5 nights a week. My DH of 35 years doesn't really drink. I 'functioned'.
You have to decided if you want to help him? There are no delicate conversations here. Your children will know he drinks and will hate it. My alcoholism was a form of self harm. Perhaps your husband's is too. High achievers often become addicts. It's a release valve.
In my experience everyone at his place of work will know he's a boozer. It will be talked about even if your DH is the boss.
So if you still love him and want to help get angry. You have to have the conversation. You give him that option to get help and you take no prisoners. Alcoholics lie, they hide booze. My hiding place was in the boot of our sports car. Another trick was filing an empty bottle with water so I hadn't drunk the whole lot!
Get angry or get out. He needs support, if you want to do that forget your door bell and start the process. I'm glad my DH cared enough to help me. Good luck.

Mines the same even the doorbell bit often chimes on my phone when I'm at the door talking

I’m so pleased! This will give you options.

Rehab sounds such a Big thing to even contemplate, I remember thinking wow is he really ‘bad enough’ for the Priory - seemed like someone else’s lives we were talking about .. but yes obviously he was and it worked for him so far (only putting that caveat in because nothing is guaranteed of course) but it’s looking very positive from where I’m standing

🤭

Don’t be so fucking ridiculous.