To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

Why on earth haven't you reported her to the police?

How will you feel if she kills someone?

Why do you 'think' he's spending the money?
Do you have separate finances? Is he still able to pay bills? (You don't want a nasty shock)
Is he obviously drunk? Fit to drive?

If he's an alcoholic, it's only going to get worse. I guarantee he's in denial about being an alcoholic and probably is drink-driving, among other things. I've a friend who's an alcoholic and she's always needing to go to the toilet to 'do her makeup' or finds a reason to pop back to the house when we're out, then reappears half an hour later, smothered in the strong-smelling perfume she uses to cover the smell of booze, but eyes rolling, reeling, and repeating herself endlessly. She drink drives - because she won't admit she's been drinking - but her solution is to literally drive everywhere at under 30 mph, even on the motorway. I really hope she gets pulled over and breathalysed one day as it might be the wakeup call she needs (although it probably wouldn't be tbh).

Anyway, it's just too destructive to raise kids around this. I am really sorry, but IMHO you don't have any choice but to kick him out. Maybe that will be a wakeup call, although again, I don't know. My friend's husband died horribly from alcoholism and even that wasn't a wakeup call for her.

Just wanted to say, I know you say you are worried about the effects on your children if you split, but pleased be mindful of the effects on them if you stay. Google 'adult children of alcoholics' to get some insight.

I'm such a child. My mum stayed. It's affected me and my siblings badly.

Good luck op and strength to you. The level of secrecy and manipulation addicts will go to is astonishing so I can understand why you have been looking at the tracker/ring doorbell.

i have never known a post on mumsnet where an alcohol dependency has been minimised.

well I have, often under the guise of

youre being controlling
you have no right to tell them what to do

that type of attitude is endemic on here, and it does minimise heavy drinking and having to live with a heavy drinker. It depends what thread you're on as to the attitudes of posters. Ditto porn.

I do wish everybody suggesting ways for the person to tackle his alcoholism could read my post about what Al Anon say about the relationships within the family about dealing with alcoholism.

She cannot cure him, stop making her feel like she can.

Can you google Ring activate?
It's not that hard..... I'm a real tech dumbo and was pleasantly surprised with myself

ODFOD.

You've clearly no experience of dealing with an alcoholic. It's fucking devastating. The alcoholic in my life died. I wish I'd tracked their movements a thousand times more than I did.

Ours mucks about, as does the cctv. Sometimes it just doesn't pick up activity, which is annoying given what it's installed for! Our WiFi is pants though. We also gave a family location app on our phones, but this also occasionally has a blip and misses stuff. Technology!! 🙄

Is he working, in what time do you think he is drinking? Does he smell like alcohol? Does he look red in the nose with puff bags under his eyes?

Do you think you can carry with him if is cheating his way around you instead openly talking to you about all that life entails, even too much drink? Why is the like that? What he wants from the relationship with you?

If you wanted absolute proof, you could buy a home breathalyser kit, then when you confront him and he vehemently denies he has been drinking, you could ask him to prove it. If he refuses, you know why he has been drinking. I appreciate even asking him to do this could spell the end of your relationship, but it sounds like it is dead in the water anyway.

That’s why you find all those empty bottles in Hedges

Yes. Hedge vodka is a thing.

Amazon lockers too.

Has he ever tried AA or anything similar?

Could you fit him with a tagged collar?

You're his wife. Not his mum.

Op, in the nicest possible way.

If you say you are planning on leaving they will beg you to stay and promise not to drink. You will have no choice but to accept this flimsy promise while you continue to plan to leave. You would be better just doing the leaving.

Daughter of a heavy drinking parent here.

Mine quite often doesn’t pick me up leaving the house. An approach monitors quite differently on the movement sensitivity than a departure in my experience.

It could well be nothing.

I have Blink rather than Ring, but we both have the app on our phone and can both control it. If I switched it off, he’d be able to switch it back on. Or could just “drop in” on it and see it live. Can you do similar - so if you see that he’s gone out you can see if it’s switched off and then turn it back on or watch it live when he’s due to return?

That's for the tip 😂

I relate to this. Alcoholics are exhausting. You can drive yourself crazy trying to stop them drinking. Realize that it is not on you OP, check your bank accounts, but irrespective of the doorbell there will be a stash at the house somewhere.

I would try Al Anon. You cannot fix alcoholism they have to do it themselves.

Op, yes he just switches off motion detection on the app.

however the issue is not can you secretly track him and is he evading it, which is why you’re getting the responses you are, but if you think he’s an alcoholic address this with him.

There will almost certainly be alcohol in the house if it's proof you need. It will be very well hidden - decanted into innocuous bottles and it won't all be in one place.

OP if he wants to drink he’ll find other ways to hide it from you if you confront him.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother. She would walk to the shop close to our house and find various ways of hiding it. She’d walk down the lane behind the house which was fairly overgrown and put it over the low fence at the bottom of the garden to retrieve it later. Or she’d hide it behind the bins in the driveway and suspiciously walk in with just a newspaper in a massive carrier bag. Then she’d find various hiding places in the house.
We’d find empty bottles all over the house.

If he’s starting to hide it then he has a problem. And I’d say he probably is doing something with the ring doorbell.

My mother made our childhood a misery. She would try and gaslight, she became manipulative anything to try and hide her problem.

If you have children please protect them from this. I had a miserable childhood because of my mother. It was like living with Jekyll and Hyde. When she was sober, she was great. When she was drunk, she’d be wasted and completely useless for 3-4 days a week 2/3 days smashed and then a day in bed to recover from her binge. She’d assault us for daring to pour her alcohol away or hiding it from her. She’d turn up to parents evenings intoxicated, She ruined every birthday, every Christmas. The gaslighting was off the scale. When my grandparents called social services, she convinced them there was no problem yet my grandparents knew she’d been drinking that morning.
I was one of 4 children, and had to grow up very fast to try and protect them. My dad was a weak man in a professional job and was able to hide away in work from it all. I resent him for not doing more to protect us.

If he does have a problem op, be prepared for it to get a lot worse before it’ll get better xx

It doesn’t always record. If someone goes out of my door, or passes and activates it doesn’t record again for 10 mins. I think this is standard. But not sure if that means he’s deleting them, he could well be