To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

@Clueless2000 Hi OP. Sorry this is a long post but I want to give you my perspective and it's an emotive subject for me.

My Dad was a functioning alcoholic and I remember growing up, how I used to find half-bottles of whatever brown spirit he was drinking at the time, in the strangest of hiding places (Even from a young age when I didn't even know what they were!) I wasn't rifling through drawers or anything, these would be places I'd come across whilst playing with the cat or my sibling for example.

Looking back, my Mum's reactions to these discoveries became more & more despondent. She knew she was out of her depth and that if he didn't accept there was a problem then there was quite literally nothing she could do except the usual kitchen-bollocking at teatime when he came in.
Eventually he stopped hiding them in the house. He must've carried them in his car or work van as he ended up with a driving ban which was a massive shock to the family as my Dad wasn't a criminal in any other way. It highlighted how much of a hold his addiction was having on him.

Just to finish off the story for those interested, he did seem to mostly overcome his addiction (or so we presume) as he got his licence back and became a taxi driver and remained so for many years (and nobody inc. any of the company's passengers ever claimed to have smelt alcohol on him during or after a shift. And I fully believe he didn't drink drive as he loved that job, it was his livelihood. In fact I'd never seen him happier than in his taxi).

Once I was older, I do remember him taking me to a pub a couple of times when not working, for a quick drink and him telling me not to tell mum. Although he did only have a half on both occasions; so he clearly was capable of restraint.

However he sadly died of heart failure eventually, as all his years of drinking had lead to heart disease and the symptoms of which he'd seemingly ignored, so it had become heart failure.

I'm not telling you this to worry or frighten you or anybody else reading this. I just want to point out/remind you that an alcoholic will^^ find ways to drink undetected if they have no self control.
But also to say that I've first hand experience of an alcoholic being fully capable of self control IF they want it enough. I know some will disagree with me there, but I've lived through my Dad being truly hammered as a child almost daily, then as described above, him later being fully capable of restraint. Enough for him to drive 12 hours per day, 6 days per week for 14 years, sharing a vehicle with 50/100+ people per day (most of whom were sat next to him in the front) who would've almost certainly reported him to the taxi company he worked for (or the council who licence taxi drivers) if they'd detected any hint of booze or its effects on him.

(To those thinking yeah, he obviously just learnt to hide it well when he'd been drinking - nah, my Dad heavily perspired whenever he drank more than half a lager! Also like I said, it was his livelihood).

Apologies if I've gone off on a tangent or made your thread all about my experience. I just felt it only fair to show the full picture.

Best of luck, OP.

You don't need 'proof'. You can't trust him.

Spoil sport

That's a problem. Secret eating is the start of a problem

Ah bless you OP. I've been sober coming up 5 years and yes, alcoholics are sneaky fuckers and when the need to drink is motivating them, they'll find a way, very clever ways.

You know the signs, you can tell, this is just helping confirm what you know.

You mentioned private healthcare, but I always put this advice on all these threads:

You can in fact have a free (bar prescription costs) at home detox/rehab on the NHS.

You have to refer to your local substance abuse centre. Some will let you self refer, some may require Dr referal.

They should be able to offer support.

You can find them here www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/find-an-alcohol-addiction-service/location.

Avoid CGL they seem to direct to Detox UK who will charge. If you struggle to get free help, these can help: Dear Albert can help: www.dearalbert.co.uk/nhs-alcohol-detox/.

I did around 3 months counselling once a week prior and again after. 10 day at home detox with family support.

The medication made phyical withdrawal smooth and easy to the point I didn't have a single side effect.

13 weeks what does everyone think boy or girl?❤️

It is kind of this to be honest.

You either have to be prepared to put yourself to one side and dedicate everything to being their support system to help get them off alcohol with no guarantee at the end. It's very hard work. I think you would need a strong support network for yourself, group work, couples therapy. Staging an intervention can be a step forward as it shows you care about them as a whole person and not just the 'you not drinking alcohol' part.

Or detach emotionally and physically with a view to keeping a check to make sure they aren't homeless / dead as that would be very hard to live with. Again no guarantee.

At the end of the day it is this to me that would guide me- how I see it is that the world is a mess and all I ask of anyone in my life and of myself if is to try and leave it a little better than when I/you found it. What part of secret drinking does that?

Just realized that won't work. 😐

Could you inconspicuously place a clock in view of the ring bell? You would then know if it is being edited by the time lapses. Maybe it doesn't work that way.

Alcoholics play on peoples hopes and they lie. Actively. By omission. They care more about alcohol than you.

They can ruin your life OP. Find some support for yourself.

Many of us who resort to tracking or other monitoring are not doing it to control or prevent the drinking. We know we can't do that. We're doing it because we have picked up on the all too familiar signs that mean the wheels are about to fall off our lives again. That promises have been broken again and the cycle of lies and gaslighting is about to resume. We are hoping, against our better judgement that we are wrong and 'paranoid' and that all is well after all and we won't need to deliver on the ultimatum we gave last time. If the ring door bell shows he hadn't been out, if we find no bottles in his wardrobe or receipts in his pocket then the can is kicked down the road for another day.

Alcoholics are very inventive. There are ways of not needing to hide the bottles at home, like decanting into a water bottle, or coke can. before he comes home & ditching the tin or bottle in someone else's bin...

OP I shall gloss over the ring camera thing. Yes if he's tech savvy he could be removing evidence. However that isn't the issue. The issue is that you are hypervigilant because you think he's an alcoholic. From what you've said, its highly likely he he, and he will lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny.

I would be very very worried. You may think he is a 'functioning' alcoholic, but that's what I thought. He wasn't functioning at all. Turns out they'd been concerned at work about his poor performance for a considerable amount of time. I only found this out AFTER he'd had a stroke (at 50) This was just over one year ago.

He was not a functioning driver either. I realised this after pulling apart a story he'd made up about some van driver crashing into him and smashing his wing mirror. He had actually just smashed into a local bridge. We had the police round after someone saw him drinking in a local carpark at 7am. He also made up a story about why they were there. (but I heard the actual conversation on the ring camera) There's a lot more of this shit to tell. I'm just highlighting that they aren't necessarily as functioning as you think. The light dawned for me very late in the day.

He spends recklessly and still denies its on booze. Even though its all at the local shop and there's nothing else to buy there other than food and newspapers.

But basically I'm now a 'carer' for an alcoholic with a brain injury. The locals refer to him as the 'alcoholic guy' (someone posted on fb asking about him - I asked them to take it down but not before various comments were made - including the fact that he hides bottles in the bushes aka hedge vodka!) He cannot work. He can just about manage by himself but has no short term memory and forgets to eat/take meds etc. He stinks. Not because he doesn't wash, but there's just this underlying rank smell due to the booze. Thankfully he had his driving licence revoked (because of seizures after the stroke) I have to track him now (he knows I do) in case he goes missing (again).

This is a warning for you. Its a terrible situation to be in. But you need to address it one way or another.

It's abundantly clear that you have no experience with alcoholism

This is why I won't go anywhere near this stuff.

Omg - I thought I was the only one 😂

If he wants to hide it he will find a way and then hide the empty cans / bottles. You could confront him but it might make him defensive and lie, which is what people who are hiding stuff do. Could you find a way to bring up what you think without mentioning the doorbell so he’s got no reason to come back and blame you for checking ?
What is a family tracker ?

Why don't you just get rid of the bloody things? They day I get a Ring doorbell or an Alexa will be the day hell freezes over.

And no, I don't have anything to hide.

I was going to say you were unreasonable but after reading all your updates, you aren't.

Where is he hiding all the bottles? My mum was an alcoholic and I could hear the bottle being opened from upstairs, she would hide it in her tea etc. So can fully sympathise living with one!

I'm not sure about Ring as I have Blink but even if you did have evidence, he would lie it was bread/ milk. You need to find the bottles - even then they still deny it. No one likes to admit they have a problem and get very defensive.

Don't think my post added anything but good luck, it sounds like it's going to be a difficult time for you.

Maybe it's clear why he drinks, living with such a controlling person!

If I lived with someone who 'tracked' me when I was out then I too would be disabling the spy bell, and buying a new phone. Why is it so acceptable for women to be so controlling?

Hi OP, please look into your local Change Grow Live branch, they are a charity specialising in substance misuse including alcohol. They can support your husband and potentially help him with an alcohol detox, if he wants to engage. They also have support groups for family members like yourself

For one thing, she doesn't live in the UK. Aso, I could report her to the police but unless she's caught red-handed, they won't do anything. They could visit and talk to her about her drinking, but she'll just deny everything.

With the greatest of respect because, trust me, I've been there - even if you track their movements you can't control their drinking. The only way you can be sure an alcoholic isn't drinking is if they're asleep or you've locked them in a room.

It wasn't your fault.