To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

'Get out of this thread'?! Bloody hell, mn really is becoming an echo chamber for some who only want one viewpoint allowed!

What a load of utter bollocks. The reading comprehension skills on MN really have hit a new low if this is what you took from OP’s posts.

@Clueless2000 ignore the ones questioning your motives, they are lucky enough to have never lived with someone with a drink problem.
I'm sorry you are.
But you have probably realised now that you can't do anything to help them... they have to acknowledge it. And if he is still lying, hiding and sneaking you can't help.
Please don't drive yourself crazy trying to catch him in the act etc...you know the truth.

Protect yourself and put yourself (and kids) first.

I am not an alcoholic, but my husband worked away a lot and was paranoid about me having people around and going out without him etc.

Even a trip to the shops could cause a big stressful argument with him insisting I must have been meeting someone.

So that's why I turned the WiFi off so I didn't get phonecalls asking where I'd been and arguments.

It was not a healthy relationship towards the end and he was not checking on me out of concern for my health.

Hi, sorry your in this horrible situation. I understand everything your doing and checking but from the opposite view point. I was the alcoholic and its turned me into a liar... hiding alcohol, stealing it... you name it ive probably done it.

He'll probably at this point think he's hiding it well..
A "functioning alcoholic" will nearly always just become a full blown alcoholic in most cases... as you start getting less good at hiding it ... can't remember the lies you told previously n so on.. of course that's without intervention.
I can point you in the direction of lots of resources and places for him to contact. There's also meetings online if he's not ready to go straight into a service. Although in my experience they are a huge support and keep me on track. (AA isn't for me personally but I know lots of ppl find comfort in this)

Rather than confront him with evidence ..maybe approach him and ask if he's struggling... he may be well ready to tell you but is ashamed. I know in the past if I've been confonted with evidence I immediately go on the defensive. I'm not making excuses for him at all. But I can almost guarantee there's nothing that you can say that will make him feel worse than he already does.

Feel free to inbox me if you want.

I really hope he gets the help he needs. Going into treatment and rehab really is a game changer. And in my opinion needs to be maintained and not just think "your cured" if he does end up going into rehab.

(Please no one come at me)

Personally I think he should dump you, you seem very controlling, he should see the Red flags, I just saying most mumsnet would say if it was a man doing this to his female partner.

Out of interest are you an alcoholic?

My ex used to use it to check on Me. If I wanted to go to the shops or out with friends but I knew he'd be checking and I'd turn the WiFi off and then back in again when I got back.

(I am now safely in a happy and healthy relationship with someone who is not at all controlling)

No shared finances/card you can check?

I agree, the doorbell is not the issue.

If, as OP suspects, he is drinking heavily and regularly, then his version of events will be whatever supports him carrying on drinking. OP is clearly worried enough about what she knows to be happening, to wonder what is happening behind her back. That is not controlling or invasive - it’s trying to uncover the extent of the problem so she can make a decision whether or not to leave, depending on whether or not he is prepared to accept he has a problem and get help. She needs to do whatever she has to do protect herself and her children. If you had experience of living with an alcoholic you would know this.

You really are living up to your user name aren’t you JudgeJ ?

Actually, I do, sorry to upset your self-righteousness. Love to know his version of events, we usually only get the female point of view, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

I completely agree with this.

Op the only way you'll ever know is if you subject him to frequent breathalysers or blood tests.
He's not going to admit it and come clean because he can't/won't give up the booze.
That's his right, it may be the only thing he values or numbs the pain.

The deceit makes it very difficult to end your marriage because you have to be the bad guy and without concrete proof.

At some point your hand will be forced, but sometimes it's better to leap than wait to be pushed.

I lived with an alcoholic family member for a while. If ring doorbells had been a thing then I would have done the same thing in an effort to prove once and for all that we were being lied to, and to try to convince them to get the help they so desperately needed We know it’s pointless, we know presenting the ‘evidence’ won’t work, but we do it anyway. In the vain hope of making a difference before they kill themselves. In our case we couldn’t.

The pain of watching someone you love destroy themselves with alcohol is evident in your words. I’m so sorry.

OP can’t help him, he has to help himself. If he chooses not to, she’ll have no option but to leave.

Looking at a ring door bell to ‘highlight’ the problems isn’t going to work either.

@altmember I know you mean well with that comment but respectfully, and I don't mean this to sound rude, but you seemingly have no idea what you're talking about. It's way more nuanced than that. This is one of those things whereby unless you've been there....

See, this is why I wouldn’t post a real problem such as OP’s on MN.

No it bloody isn’t !! She’s not tracking his every movement, and it’s neither controlling nor an invasion of privacy when the app can be freely accessed by both. She’s simply trying to get an accurate idea of his behaviour where alcohol is concerned so that she knows what she’s dealing with. And none of your suggestions will work. She can’t ‘accept’ his alcoholism - that will destroy her family and ultimately she’ll have a shit life watching him slowly killing himself. An ultimatum won’t work because for an alcoholic, booze is more important than anything else. He needs to accept he has a problem and get professional help and a good starting point is the GP. OP can’t help him, he has to help himself. If he chooses not to, she’ll have no option but to leave.

This. All depressingly familiar to anyone with experience of a loved one who abuses alcohol - which you clearly have from your post. I’m so sorry.

Careful - according to MN you have a problem !!

The OP cannot help her partner. He has to help himself and the first step is admitting he has a problem. They have children - she can’t just put everything to one side as you suggest. He needs to admit to the problem, stop sneaking around and get himself help. If he refuses, OP should take her children and leave.

I think you need your own thread.

That said, I’m not sure you’ll get anything but guesses from that.

@LovelyBitOfSquirrrel Fair point! 😌 Also add 'hypocrite' to that......🍔👍🏻