To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

I don’t think it’s a case of just being a heavy drinker from what you’ve said in your posts. Our relative was binge drinking to start with. Could this be the case with your DH. If he’s turned off Wi-Fi so you can’t see what he’s bringing in, that could well be what he’s doing. In our case the relative could stop for a while but always returned to it, and eventually became alcohol dependent. I think the only thing you can do is keep an eye out for the warning signs and if it picks up again, you have some difficult decisions ahead.

live your life op
make plans for yourself

Give it 6 months to a year and then decide. It's only been 1 week, you're desperate to think there isn't a problem but there is. He can't turn down a drink.

He has temporarily put himself into an artificial situation just to prove hes fine and doesn't have a drink problem. That's what they do. Then when the coast is clear, believe me he'll be back trying to find ways to conceal his habit.

He has the problem but actually you have the problem because you'll always be on tenterhooks waiting until the problem rears its ugly head again,

I've had alcoholics in my family for years, the only reason my son has stopped drinking is because he has severe liver damage, its up to the alcoholic to stop, no-one will be able to make them give up.

I really do know all that but that's not what i said. She still needs to address with him the fact thst she is aware of this and is 'clocking ' it. Otherwise she could appear to be actually condoning the situation.

Love and parenthood can make you partners in most things... but not this. You are both alone here.

Can I just say that these are profoundly wise words by @AbsolutelyBarking

What’s his drink OP? It’s usually vodka for people trying to hide drinking. When my mum died from alcohol related illness we found bottles everywhere. He may be putting them in bins when he goes out or you may find the stash in the attic or back of a wardrobe.

It’s a bit like when my ex DH had affairs. Turned me into a stalker until I realised that it wasn’t up to me to prove anything. I already had enough to leave him.

She knows he’s drinking to excess. She sees he’s left the house on the tracker but when she checks the app there are no alerts and no video. So there’s no evidence of what he’s bringing into the house when he returns and OP isn’t alerted to it. That’s not the system missing events, it’s deliberate intervention to stop alerts and delete video. And you don’t think she should be reading too much into it ?

It’s not down to the OP to help him manage his drinking. She can’t. An alcoholic only cares about one thing - the next drink. He will continue to lie and deceive and OP will be dragged down with him. He needs to accept that he has a problem and get professional help. And until he wants to do this nothing will change. Ultimately OP has to be prepared to leave.

Our ring doorbell never shows me what I need it to. As an example, I paid my neighbours 15 year old daughter to come let our dogs out and sit with them for 30 mins. It registered her leaving but not arriving. It often misses crucial events such as a crash outside our house too. I wouldn’t read too much into it!

More importantly the door bell is not the problem is it? Its the deceipt and the ultimate cosesqences isnt it. You need to address this if you care about him..... I know its difficult....

OP I'm sorry your facing this

Love and parenthood can make you partners in most things... but not this.
You are both alone here.

I can see that it feels as if you should do something, because this is a life-threatening emergency, but you have absolutely no power over his drinking.

Disapproval or pleading or reasoning from you will be met with lies (or promises and lies) from him. You will take on the worry and feel responsible...but nothing will get better.

He will continue to drink until the addiction takes enough from him that all he has left is the fight against it. That is when he can be helped - though again, probably not by you.

What can you do?

-Don't help him manage his drinking.
-Don't share the responsibility for his drinking by making him accountable to you (He will hide it from you as if you are the problem rather than the drink).

-Do be honest with those around you (you need their support and your children need to know that they are not to blame).
-Do report him (to 101) if you fear he is drink-driving and hasn't listened to your warning about the mornings
-Do prepare yourself and the children for a life without him while he works through this. You are most likely going to have to let him fall. Step away now and perhaps you can be around afterwards.

This will hurt you and make you feel guilty... but it is not unloving; it is practical.
If he was still completely the man you love and remember - what would he advise you to do?

It’s incredibly easy to deactivate ring. Add all the device/s to a user on the modem. Switch off and switch back on. No-one would know. Takes seconds. You’re probably right.

🤭

Same here (spouse in my case) - I drove myself demented trying to stop him, find evidence, you name it, and the only thing that stopped him was his final breath. With hindsight I should have left long before, but mainly guilt, and the vestiges of feeling I had left for him, held me back. It's a horrible illness and the effects on those standing by watching helplessly, is devastating.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sticks when you love someone so much and have to sit there and watch them destroy everything.

I left my alcoholic boyfriend. Couldn't take it any more. My life is so much better now. Calmer. I'm not on eggshells.

Try getting some support through meetings.

Although it's him who really needs support to sort whatever is upsetting him to the extent he needs to blot life out.

But you can't make him. He has to choose and that's the hard part as he may never choose....

Exactly this..

I could be stood facing the Ring doorbell and at times the signal is so poor it doesn't pick it up that I'm stood there.

@Clueless2000 I listened to a recent Mel Robbins podcast with someone billed as an expert in getting confessions, body language, identifying lies, etc. Despite the sensational nature of the topic there were some great nuggets. One was that when you are concerned about something that is happening, forget about getting the big confession, or that with just the right amount of evidence you'll get someone to admit something. She said instead just gather the crumbs of evidence you're aware of, the little associated admissions that have been made, and that's enough for you to know what is going on, make your decision and act. It seems very appropriate to your situation.

Is he not just leaving the house via another door without the Ring on it? That seems like a more obvious course of action than having to remember to turn off alerts etc.

Instead of trying to catch him out, how viable would it be to buy a breathalyser and ask him to blow into it so you can see his intoxication levels at a time of your choosing? If he refuses, you have your answer in any case, and can make a decision from there. He is unlikely to want to have an honest and open conversation about his drinking if he's doing everything he can to hide it, but if he isn't drinking he won't have a problem with the breathalyser.

Please go to some Al Anon meetings OP. They will support you to work out what you want to do.

And it will be a huge relief to listen to people who have stories just like your own and who understand and won’t judge you.

The viewpoint of those who have never dealt with an alcoholic and are condemning the OP as controlling, aren’t really relevant though. Context is everything.

There are a few. So rabidly ‘controlling innit’ that they don’t stop to think that this is an app on both phones designed to check who is coming and going while you are away from your home, and that the controlling behaviour is actually his, by turning off the wifi so OP doesn’t get the alerts that indicate he’s up to no good. And you’re right. If you’ve never been closely involved with someone with an addiction, you’re not qualified to comment.

Please don’t let him drive your children, or you. Their alcohol intolerance changes over time so he can appear sober when really intoxicated. Constant drinking means alcohol never completely clears the blood stream, they crave a drink as the level drops and gradually that level ( when they crave a drink) is raised.
If you suspect he’s drunk driving you can call 101 with his car registration number.
But I would urge you to leave. Life with an alcoholic is hell.

that makes sense then.