Am I being unreasonable to remove my money from the joint account without saying anything?

Do it. Withdraw your half. Stop paying into it and get your own accounts. Organise your financial agreements into “yours & mine” details and then see how generous he remains with his kids.

I would have a conversation in terms of money management without mentioning your DSC at all.

I’d focus solely on yourself and say that you’re feeling like you need to manage your money better, To help you do that, you’re planning to have your salary paid into one account, you'll transfer your portion of the bills into the joint, and then you’ll have a better idea of what you have left over every month to save or spend.

That’s completely logical and won’t cause a row. He can do the same if he wishes and he’ll then see how much he has left over for hobbies and gadgets. It’ll help him budget better as well.

Lol the children aren't being "supported" with this money, she's literally said its for hobbies and gadgets

Hes taking the piss. If he wants to bankroll their expensive hobbies and lifestyle then let him pay for it. Id be interested to find out if he cuts back once his disposable income is affected.

I didn't blame the kids 🤷‍♀️ they are taking OPs money though regardless who is making that decision.

Yes, it's your money

They are not your children.

Why are you supporting children when you have NO say in how the money is spent

You're not a cashpoint

Bless!

I’d say: I don’t think you are keeping track of how much you are spending and us pooling our money is making you think you have a large amounts of disposable income to spend as you please. You’re forgetting it’s mine too and you aren’t discussing it with me. So, bar enough for joint bills, I’m going to take my money out for x months so you can see how heavily you keep dipping into the account.

Yes, go for it. Open a sole account for your wages to go into, and calculate your half of joint bills. Transfer that into the joint account.

Just be prepared that he may end up doing the same, and refusing to pay enough into the joint account to cover the bills going out.

Definitely do it. It would really piss me off too.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to have a say. I would however probably have a conversation once you’ve done it before next months pay doesn’t appear in the account.

The stepkids aren’t taking money from anyone. Let’s not rush to blame children for the decisions of their parents. Whatever they are being given is at their dad’s discretion. Dad is taking money from the youngest if you want to see it that way. Although TBH it doesn’t sound as if anyone is going without.

I think you know that you should say ‘since I don’t get any say over what the joint account is spent on, and you refuse to change that, I’ve cut my contribution so it just covers the bills. If you want me to contribute financially to something else, you can discuss it with me like every other couple does.’

Honestly, you need to have the conversation. Ideally you both would come up with a set amount to spend on his kids. Even more ideally you would have a budget already with him for all spending (including individual no questions asked money).

You sound resentful (no judgement I probably would be too) he’s going be resentful (understandable if you don’t talk before you do it) both of these things if left unchecked can destroy a marriage.

Open another account & email finance the details and ask them to pay your salary into there.

Set up a monthly standing order for bills to the joint account.

Then tell your dh that this has been done in time for 1st of August going forwards.

Yanbu.

Me and DH get paid into our own accounts then transfer money to the joint account to cover bills and household stuff (including holidays). We transfer in proportion to our wages

If your DH is spending loads on his kids which is your money then that's not on.

You are going to have to tell him. You are both going to need a separate bank account for your wages and a joint one for household expenses.
The trickier bit is going to be how do you decide on savings and money for fun stuff. So for example you want a day out with DH and DD but he wants to buy his child a pair of trainers. How will you negotiate that. What if he doesn't want.to prioritise date nights or holidays over money he spends on his children

This. I voted YAnBU because it's your money so you can do what you want with it, but for the sake of your relationship it's worth telling him, not asking, but at least informing.

You’ve tried talking to him and he’s shown he doesn’t care what you think, which must be hurtful. Your only option is to separate the money as you’re planning.

This.
They are his dc and they have two parents. I hope you actually do it and not just discuss it and he placates you with empty promises. He's shown you he feels completely entitled to your money so I wouldn't trust promises at this point.

How many people on here saying it should only be his money spent on his children, have a partner supporting them and/or a child that's not theirs?

This

Move the money out , you’ve tried it other ways .

I understand your frustration but, do you want to solve the problem or are you trying to prove a point? Not telling him first, because that's what he does to you is proving a point. Telling him what you are going to do and why, agreeing how much you will transfer each month for bills and then removing your wages and arranging for future wages to go into your own account, is resolving the problem. I think keeping it separate is a good idea. It might also help him to learn to say 'no' occasionally, once the impact of funding everything falls entirely on him.

It's fine to make the change that you are suggesting, and even to tell him that's what you are doing rather than open it up for discussion, but not telling him makes it petty. It's not good for a relationship to be petty like that.

Just tell him: this is what I'm doing and why. We evidently aren't able to come to an agreement about whether or not I should be consulted, so this removes that problem.

I would also suggest that he does the same thing, to make it clear that this is not intended to be unfair.