Clare’s law disclosure

Because she can't actually tell him she has done Clare's law anyway, it's confidential. So all she can do is tell him she knows he hit his ex, he lied and she has told the police she's leaving him. He will summise she didn't believe him, or that she has done clares law and then want to know who reported, what reported x,y,z. None of that protects her. It just makes him paranoid.

Brilliant that you're safe and you know and crucially that you're not ignoring that information. Clare's Law only works if it's acted on. I think as a precaution it's worth letting people know where you're planning on being in the near future just in case, but as for ending it as you've not been together that long I'd also go for a "I thought I was ready but I'm not" approach.

Slightly bizarre post, yes, I understand all of that (obviously)

if you tell him, then you can be clear with him that they can be no further contact, if there is you can get the police involved immediately. If you don’t you either block him which could drag it out as he becomes more frustrated wanting to know what’s happened, or have to continue a lie over time to try to phase him out.

I just don’t see the benefit in not telling him, if it’s for the purpose of not making him angry, he’s going to be angry either way. if it’s for the benefit of potential future women, I think that’s incredibly unfair to put that on the OP . She is in a risky situation now and should be allowed to focus on her own safety.

Obviously you have to be skilful and calm and non-inflammatory in your language, but I do think very clear and assertive is the way to go.

before anyone else feels they need to school me on the obvious facts here, I’ve lived through domestic abuse myself, and so unfortunately have some experience in this area

When you had your Clare's Law disclosure you agreed that the information would not be passed on to anyone. You would be doing this by telling him and could possibly place yourself at risk in the process.

The purpose of the disclosure is for you to be informed of his history and then choose whether you wish to stay in the relationship.

Do not tell him this is the reason why the relationship has ended - you can just say you're not feeling it anymore.

My last post was my personal thoughts on what to do, but like some others have said, you should definitely ask the police and womens aid for their advice on the safest way to do it. Treat the situation seriously (as you obviously are).

You cannot go on holiday with this man. You need to end it now.
He is known to the authorities as a serious domestic abuser - who is to say that you will be his next victim?

For your own safety. There are millions of men out there who are decent. You don’t need this.

Women's Aid don't have a helpline anymore. It's run by Refuge and the number is 0808 2000 247. They will help you plan the best and safest way to leave.

Obviously don’t go on holiday with him. Can you call/email whoever you booked with and explain? They might be able to offer you an alternative holiday elsewhere without him.

The best advice I can give you once you’ve ended it, is to tell your neighbours. You don’t have to tell them everything- just say you’ve just ended a nasty relationship and if they hear anything untoward please call 999.

The other good bit advice I would give is to make sure if you live in flats that police have the code to your building or a spare fob so they can gain access to the building. Maybe you could arrange this with the officer who called you? If you can have a plan in place with a neighbour that if they have to call 999 to run and leave the door propped open that’s even better.

Why not ring Women's Aid and ask for their advice?

Do it over the phone

All I can say is my ex partner had a girlfriend she left because he hit her. I believed his version of events that wasn't as bad as he made out I ended up having 2 children with him he battered me so many times over 9 years and strangled me intront of our toddlers. He also beat me whilst finding one. My point is they don't change. Believe what the police are telling you x

I would ring Women’s Aid and ask their advice. They are experts in this area.

He's going to be furious whatever.
Furious that she did Claires law.
Furious and want to know who told her original rumours.
Furious and may go back after whoever reported him before OP.
Furious at the thought OP (and whoever else is telling people) could tell future victims.

Both telling and not telling could both end in fury and stalking. OP knows she's in danger, that's why this thread exists.

What about something along lines of you're really sorry but you don't feel comfortable going on holiday when you know the relationship isn't going anywhere. His reaction to your question made you a little uncomfortable so you felt obliged to get a Claire's law disclosure. Whilst you appreciate people can change and wish him well, his previous actions don't sit comfortably with you so you feel you have to end the relationship now.

I would tell him why and then block him

Contact your local women's aid or the domestic abuse team at the police station and ask them to plan a relationship exit and safety plan with you, so you can remove yourself from the relationship with as little potential threat as possible.

Agree with don't go on the holiday. Is there anything that you know puts him off women or he really hates that you can start gravitating toward from a distance, things you can drop into phone calls or say online in a place he can see where it would just give him the ick and then he feels like he's making the decision and wont stalk you after.

How recently did you question him? I'd usually say don't let on and end as non-confrontational as possible. You're not ready for a relationship, he's so great but you're not right place blah blah. Massage his ego breaking up with him.

If you questioned him very recently it will probably twig for him. And while you could tell him you did Claire law and to stay away, abusers tend not to give a shit about the law, and he may not only go after you, but whoever he perceived warned you. He may be worried about stuff spreading, and if future victims find out he may come after you again.

I have a mate who recently left a partner in very similar circumstances, she didn’t give him a clear reason, she just politely withdrew as people are suggesting here. He was left confused, and increasingly frustrated, and has now begun stalking her. If I was in your position, I cannot see a good reason not to be very clear about the reason for the break up as @Smineusername suggests.
I’m really interested to know why othera are suggesting not to tell him. Clearly he’s going to be furious about loosing the money on the holiday, at least this way he will understand why, and will hopefully be less likely to try to argue with you about it.what am I missing?

Whatever you decide to do - keep thinking about your safety, be extra careful and don't trust him even if he seems as loveable as he has been until now.

Very well done for listening to your gut, and seeking advice I would tell him about your request and that your ending what you have. The block

Even if you feel angry and like you want to tell him what you know, (which I totally get), my advice would be to walk away with as little drama as possible and not mention anything about what you know. Police don't do a Claire's Law disclosure unless there is a really significant history of domestic abuse. Statistically, the most risky times during a relationship with an abuser are when you are pregnant or leaving so I think just focus on ending it safely and don't worry about confronting him.

Have you told people close to you about the situation so they can support you? I'm glad you are housed somewhere you feel is secure, are there CCTV cameras?

I think I’d hedge my bets on this one.
I’d try the ‘change of heart…it’s not you it’s me’ stuff first and try to back out quietly.
If he failed to accept this I’d then mention the Clare’s law disclosure and the fact that the police will be protecting you.
These sort of men explode with rage; I’d not be prodding him too hard as it won’t end well.
Ditching the holiday will be money well spent- definitely don’t find yourself alone in an unfamiliar place (or anywhere in fact) with him.

You need to disengage safely and that means not confronting him. He needs to be the one who gets disinterested.

In your shoes I would invent a chronic case of diarrhoea (can’t leave the apartment, he goes alone), say you’re seeing the GP, then consultant gastroenterologist for tests, then talk about awful outcomes. Be unattractive.

Don’t engage him in the truth. He’s dangerous.