Clare’s law disclosure

Good news@Rachellilllian, well done! 👏
Good advice to trust your gut ❤️

How is it going OP?

Exactly the police told them. They are the data controller. If you look at the link I sent it states you can't tell anyone without permission from data controller. If they decide they need to tell someone (social services, school etc) then they will or give you permission to do so. As the police have given OP no such permission she can't.

Surely it’s the issue of being able to identify the person then? If I said I did a Claire’s law on a previous partner and ended it, but didn’t state who this ex was and the person I was speaking to wouldn’t know either, then I haven’t done anything wrong as it’s in no way identifying?

we recently had a Sarah’s law disclosure (see my other thread). As this an anonymous forum I haven’t broken any rules by posting that on here as nobody is identifiable from the thread.

Also, with Sarah’s law you are allowed to use the information to safeguard the children and so social services were also informed there had been a disclosure and the schools have been too and therefore everyone knows there was a disclosure, but not what was in it. The police also notified the person they made a disclosure about and told them to stay away from now on. We were also able to tell the children that he was to stay away and the police had told us that he wasn’t safe so they should call the police immediately if they saw him. There isn’t any other way to safeguard the children and the police and social services seemed fine with us telling the children that much. I don’t think any court proceedings would be brought in those instances as this is not common gossip but using the information to safeguard the children (which is the purpose of the disclosure in the first place).

My partner hasn’t told me anything that was actually disclosed to him, including the person’s name (which I don’t even know) but we have told the children’s school what we knew that made us concerned in the first place in order to request a Sarah’s law and given that SS have told them a disclosure was made, surely nobody is breaking the law by discussing that during such meetings?

The fact you submitted an application isn't necessarily confidential, the fact a disclosure was made off the back of it is. They only disclose if there is firstly something to disclose and secondly they think the person could be a danger to you so you have a right to know. Therefore stating there was a disclosure is in itself breaking the confidentiality.

Saying "I do a clares law check on all partners before we move in together as you can never be too careful" is fine.

"I Clare's law check all partners, just as well or I could have been stuck with Tom, Dick or Harry" is not fine, that's telling you those 3 have disclosures to be made and if you knew them you'd likely avoid them after that statement even if no specifics.

The information you were given is confidential. The fact that you made/had a Claire’s law disclosure is not as you are not revealing any specific information about the person by stating you did the check.

This is a great message.

A great way of handling it all round.

Defuinitely run what you decide past the police to confirm that they think it's the best approach. They have more information than they have given you.

My approach would be as I said before, D and V at the last minute so you can't go on holiday and don't want to see anyone, to give you space. Then a text message.
If you think it would be better with a reason perhaps something like 'I've received some bad news that I can't / don't want to discuss and I'm afraid I can't be in a relationship at the moment, I'm sorry."
I would let him reply once, reiterate that I'm sorry but I need to process the news I received and ask him to respect my decision, then block.

He may suspect the reason but it could be just about any family emergency, health worry etc.

Do not create a convoluted lie, do not tell
him about the disclosure, get somewhere safe and just tell him you no longer wish to continue in the relationship

no discussions, no debate, no explanation

clean quick cut

No, you can't tell anyone that you have made a Claire's Law Disclosure. It's confidential. The police would have made this very clear to her at the time of disclosure. You certainly aren't allowed to tell the person, you've requested information on!!! No one should know, it's information for her only, so she can make a decision.

I think doing it quickly and decisively is the only way.
Via text.
"I'm afraid this isn't working for me but I wish you all the best for the future" or something along those lines.
He'll answer, don't be drawn in, rinse and repeat you're original message.
Then stop answering.
I'd definitely take the advice of pps and ask the police or womens aid for advice.
I think you will need to be very security conscious for a while especially when you're outside.
❤️

That’s tricky. If you think he won’t believe the ‘it’s not you…’ line. May be a D&V bug. But you’d have to stay home. If he found you out in a lie that could be risky. I’m not an expert in any way but I think you have to tread carefully here. Def get advice from police and let them know when you are ending it. Good luck.

How? Just do it now. Your safety is worth more than a holiday . You should not of let him back in the house after the police told you

I agree with this. He needs to know that the police are watching him. Please keep yourself safe and do this by text.

Learn from this - don't book any more holidays with anyone until you really know them. 8 weeks is not long enough.

Good luck OP

💯

Saved me typing this.

I vote not to tell him you know the truth. This is a dangerous man, an angry man who could take out his anger on you and even murder you in retaliation. Make your excuses in the lowest key possible, so as not to enrage him. Don't see him face to face ever again.

Don’t tell him. Make excuses and cut all contact.

@Rachellilllian

I agree with giving a vague neutral break up message. Something like "I've been giving this a lot of thought and I've decided that we aren't right for each other (or)I'm not ready for a relationship. I wish you the very best in your life, but I must ask that you not contact me as I have nothing further to say". Then block him and let any unknown/unfamiliar calls go to voicemail.

You haven't said anything about how the holiday was paid for. But I'd kiss off any of my money goodbye for safety's sake. If he paid for you I might be tempted to just send him the money to avoid him contacting you for it after you break up.

Discretion is the better part of valor.

Often when the perpetrator feels they are losing control of you their abuse escalates. Please ask the police to refer you to an IDVA, make a safety plan and I would just end it without going into details. Be very aware of your own safety and well done for listening to your gut! Xx

Don’t tell him! Don’t act in any way that indicates you know. Tell him a lie and end it. Make the lie something bland and nothing to do with him. Your priority is to extricate yourself quietly and calmly and not wind him up.

Making him feel angry or humiliated won't change anything for the better, but it might escalate the situation. Just come up with a lie that is as low-emotion as possible. Saying you've realised you're not ready for a relationship is probably safest way out.

Thank goodness people cared about you enough to pass on the rumours.

Contact women's aid for advice on how to end the relationship and do it safely. Good call getting the disclosure, didn't the police signpost you to support?