To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

@kaleidoscoperuby - could you get respite care in the future, so that you and your dh could go on holiday together, knowing your ds would be safe and well cared-for?

You are having such a tough time - I wish there was something I could do to help, but all I can do is offer you my sympathy and a massive, virtual hug.

Oh I sympathise. Out recent holiday in the UK with 25 year old NT DS was horrific. All the things you've said. Bored but doesn't want to do anything, everything is rubbish, foul mood. Really ruined the holiday.

But then I did the same at 15 at a family holiday.

Teens are just horrible human beings.

And as for lecturing parents of autistic children on how to parent autistic children 🙄

What a nasty and ignorant post.

Mum to ASD daughter here. We're on hols too, with another family, and Christ alive it's so tough, our daughter has had two massively dysregulated days and oh I just want to cry, the other family also suspect neurodiversity with their child yet their kid soooo much easier to manage while mine is screaming, hitting me, completely overwhelmed etc even while desperately wanting to play with the other family's kids. Firstly, you are doing nothing wrong, it is HARD, and not all kids are made the same - so block out anyone telling you to just be tougher, including the plonkers here, you and I KNOW that doesn't work for autistic kids. Secondly, the facebook group for 'Connective Parenting using NVR' may help if you ask some advice there (or search the chat for 'holiday' as lots of similar stories) - in short though, focus on building your connection with him above anything else, so if you tomorrow you need to spend the whole day just doing what he wants, including staying at the accommodation watching films that he chooses, then do it (if you're contemplating going home anyway what's the loss!?). maybe even do that for two days. He's probably stuck in a shame cycle of knowing he's making you guys unhappy but knowing being able to stop - fostering the strongest connection you can with him helps as helps counter the anxiety and fear he is feeling. I honestly would stay as long as you can on your hols but - unfortunately, and as we know it's the hand we get dealt with ASD kids - downgrade your expectations massively and savour the small joys - getting shopping in/making meals you wouldn't at home, taking that hour here and there just you and DH to have a coffee in a new pretty place, a solo walk somewhere, and do whatever you can to avoid comparing your hols to what you thought it would/should be. Parenting an ASD kid is the hardest thing in the entire world and you deserve every medal going, sending so much love to you xxx

It is an age when they can start to be as you describe unfortunately, autism or not. In my experience it can depend on where you are going and what you are going to do when you get there. Some things are very boring for them, including things that they used to like. I find it just takes a bit more thought. But having said that we still had one holiday where my eldest refused to participate in almost everything even though we were in a lovely place.

You know nothing about my child. Challenging or confronting my dis regulated child would have been pointless and against everything we have been told as parents by processionals to do.

There is hope.My dd is 19 with autism, adhd and other diagnosis .We’ve travelled a lot. Had some horrific experiences and some amazing. The lowest point was a beautiful cabin in the USA at 15 when she screamed all night because her brother was vomiting and she couldn’t stand the noise. She was anxious and couldn’t cope with the noises which are part of her sensory profile.

We’ve been a week in the uk this week and I have Covid cough. She has handled it amazingly well. I’m so proud of her. She has got disregulated at times over a couple of things but her coping skills are so much better.

You will get there.

i always challenge/confront my kids behaviour.. i'm also asd/adhd (so same diagnosis)

There are allowances and a lot of picking your battles, but having a good conversations about how behaviour impacts on the people around you is SO important.... as is laying out expectations of their behaviour.

By the time they're teens, you should know your kids well enough to know the difference between triggers/emotional disregulation leading to meltdown, and just normal teenage grump.

I am delighted to read this post.

The biggest mistake I see parents of autistic DC making is being terrified to challenge or confront them.

The world beyond the family home will not pander to any child. It is setting children up to find the world a harsh, rejecting and terrifying place facing a lifetime of isolation and victimhood.

OP you are a human being too. You deserve a life. Look into respite care for next year if all else fails.

Autistic people differ massively, circumstances differ. Learning to self soothe and ability to adhere to boundaries can take years for some and vary in how they present so bit of a pointless post really.

You cant be slightly on the spectrum, you either are or you aren't.

Op I suggest you ask your post to be moved to the sen boards, it might help with some of the responses.

I would go home. Would the grandparents have your son for a day or two so you can have a bit of time with your husband to recharge? Not the same as your holiday but it doesn't seem like your son is going to cope any better while you're away.

And they’re handling so much more on top of teenage hormones. Lack of control, sensory issues,
emotional and physical disregulation, anxiety, depression…

My top big of advice is ride the waves, be kind to yourself and him mentally and not hold yourself up to other families or him up to other teens.

Maybe try to help him calm down tonight, empathise how hard it must be to be away etc and ask what you could do together to make things easier so you can enjoy trips in the future more.

I just wanted to pop on and say hang in there for another day or so before coming home, my 16 is very similar and always takes 4-5 days to adjust to being somewhere new.

He also doesnt eat. We've just come home from holiday a day early as he was so focused on going home he couldn't do anything else, the first few days were decompressing on screens in the dark, then we had a nice few days in the middle before he was obsessing about when we were going home.

What are his interests? Can you plan a trip out based on those? Good luck

I have a severely autistic family member. He is now 21 years old and I’ve see a lot of behaviours. He does not rule the roost. Oh no. And his needs are well catered for, but even people with severe autism can learn boundaries. They have the right to be taught boundaries and how to self-soothe.

Last year (Cornwall, didn’t last the week) was the first holiday I’ve braved since before lockdown. Only agreed this year as it was AI and I agreed that if DD decided to sit in the hotel room and sulk (or get sent back there if she sulked anywhere else). And had GPs in standby to have her back…

I have tried to go away on my own, but we often have a meltdown two days before and/or something comes up with DHs work. It’s relentless and never much of a holiday, is it?

Brains don't magically mature without any practice using them, though.

I realise his SEN needs alter things but even NT teens can be a pain. My 15yo wanted to go beach today as it's my day off in the week and she's on summer hols.

Think she complained about the wind, the fact I didn't bring a mirror, deodorant, a hair band or hand sanitiser (none of which I personally need for a trip to the beach), the fact that it was busy and noisy in the amusements. That she was hungry - after not wanting the lunch provided earlier in the afternoon... I was a bit like.. haven't we grown out of the demanding stage yet! 🙄👀

Sorry OP, I have no experience of this, so can't offer advice, but if you do go home, what will he do that is different to what he wants to do where you are? If when he's at home, he just sits and plays games on his phone or whatever, won't he be happy doing that where you are? And if he is, then could you go out for the hour that you say you're happy to leave him for, and then one or both of you go back to check that he's OK, stay with him for a while, I don't know, perhaps 10 minutes would be enough, and then leave him for another hour, or doesn't it work like that? Sorry for being so ignorant, but I would be interested to understand this part of things.

OP, mum of a 17 yo here who pretty much had the same issues when we holidayed.. drove us nuts.

What i did was

1. Sit him down and have an age/ability appropriate conversation about how he was feeling, how his behaviour was impacting on us because he was struggling, and how it wasn't acceptable, and what he thought we could do to help him get through the break.
2. moved the conversation onto negotiation. If you agree to come and do X with us tomorrow, you can do Y afterwards

We always took his tablets/laptops with us, we would not confiscate them. We always gave plenty of warning of what the plans for the next day were.. where we were going, what time. We took his tablet/headphones with us for meal times/in the car if we were driving (and used my hotspot). We gave him plenty of downtime.

Yes he grumped, and sulked and did the teenage crap, but we mostly ignored it. Did stuff in the mornings and tried to keep the afternoons for being back at the caravan/lodgings were one would supervise him, and the other would be able to go do stuff.

…being alone doesn’t always mean lonely.

Aside for that, their brains mature, ability to use executive function, being able to critically think .. like all children .. ours take a big longer. DD is 18, but she’s 2 or 3 years behind with social ability .. but that’s ok

Yes, ideally we want autistic children and young people to be adaptable and understanding of others’ needs by the time they are adults but the level to which people are capable of achieving this will vary from person to person. In addition if someone is in a particular situation that is beyond their ability to cope with no amount of not tolerating behaviour, punishing or educating etc is going to work.

The OP’s DS is in a special school. Do you not think both the school and the OP’s family have been attempting to work towards the OP’s DS having the best outcomes all his life?

Could you give a clue as to the sort of place you are so we could give some tips on that? For example if it's a sunny destination could you move to somewhere with a pool or whatever so he can just be inside while you sit out?

I did say last year you don't have to come

But he wanted to

Then said on holiday he hates beach holidays due to heat but didn't want to stay at home

This year we've gone nowhere because I couldn't bear the unbearable stress of it from last year

But they can’t if struggling sooooo…..