To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

This is a good strategy and we tend to have a day or two a week where we just stay indoors in the cool and shade doing nothing. It definitely helps having some space for everyone to spread out, the absolute disaster scenario for us is when we all squeeze into one tiny room. Having a fridge and wine helps!

I feel your sadness and frustration OP. It's so hard taking ASD teens on holiday. There's been some absolute bonkers comments on here. It sounds like your son is completely overwhelmed. Can you all just stay inside tomorrow? Let him have a day in his room, on his phone/screen whatever he needs to regulate himself. Have you got an outdoor area where you are? You and DH could get a nice bottle of wine or make yourself some mock tails and chill.

See if the day in the accommodation helps and then see if you can ease him into any activities in the next few days. If not, you may need to cut your losses for all your sakes.

It's so, so tough. I'm a single parent with an ASD child and have spent more days inside when on holiday than I'd care to remember!

Amazing thing is... when we get home DC says how fantastic it was and wants to know when we can go back!

I see you can leave him for an hour. I'd leave him for an hour then and get some headspace.

Sorry about the length of that post. In this current situation I would say stay and make the best of the situation. It is somewhere that you and your DH want to be then I would take turns to stay with your son and the other parent head off… swap over the next day. Far from ideal but at least each of you will get a breather and is the best worst option. Best wishes OP

Mum of neurodiverse here...I'm not expert by any means and every day is a struggle to figure out how to manoeuvre through my child's emotional deregulation, but one thing I have found which helps is teaching how their actions affect me which in turn affects my parenting ability.....so, beacuse autistic kids struggle with empathy and putting themselves in another's shoes, they can't (in my experience) be taught to behave kindly in a way which benefits others, but they CAN be taught to behave kindly in a way which benefits themselves......so, for example you could explain to your ds that a relaxing holiday isn't for him, but actually for you to recharge his batteries so that you can continue doing xyz for him (go to work for the things he loves, taking him to the places he likes, work to pay for the internet), just find all his favourite things and teach him how you being at your mental best, allows those things to happen. It might not happen straight away but I've found that repeating over and over again to my child how their tantrums and screaming and negativity affects me so I can't play with her as much, take her out as much etc, is having small positive effects. Basically just keep telling him that his stropping and attitude is upsetting you and ruining your holiday and if your holiday is ruined you won't be able to do xyz because you won't have recharged your batteries, or you'll have to have another holiday next week to make up for it and the money for that holiday will be taken from the internet money/Christmas present money etc.

Why is he acting like that?.Can you try to get to the bottom of it? Otherwise it sounds awful.

My eldest is 17 and I'd be gutted if he acted like that on holiday! Can you leave him at the accomodation alone and go out on your own?

@kaleidoscoperuby I'm interested that you say he's well travelled but you're holidaying in the UK. Is his complaint partly that he's 'just' in the UK.

We had a phase of this when one DC wanted to be abroad but I was unable to travel due to health issues. There was a very rigid idea of a holiday = get on a plane. It wasn't helped by the fact that EVERYONE was going abroad post Covid at the time.

There were some very direct conversations took place in our household at that point! It was a point where neurodivergence and being a brat intersected and it was robustly challenged!

Hello OP, I am a parent of an adult child (26) with severe learning disability, autism and Epilepsy and so a bit further along the road than you. He is our eldest child of three.
he was younger the typical holiday- beach, soft play, trains etc worked well… when he got older, as you are finding out…not so well.
What we have found has worked for us and his siblings…

1 We have accepted that until he is in full-time residential placement which we think will be in the next 2-3 years, that we will not be having long 10 day/2 week holidays. He does go to Respite, usually only for 2 to 3 days but once a year we get a week. We go away for five days- we have absolutely no guilt about this.

2 Throughout the year, when he is at Respite, we go away for one or two night city breaks and we really enjoy them. We see anything we want to see, eat well, stay in lovely places. Because we can only go for two night(very occasionally three), we have been known to to go back to the same place😂

Our workplaces understand that we have no say over when we get Respite and so they are very accommodating about giving us that time off. We have not requested two weeks in one block, for years! Little but often time away from work

3 We take him on holiday every year to places that are entirely devoted to him and his interests/ obsessions…. We use his PIP for this. If we enjoy it, that’s entirely incidental… very often because he’s happy then we are happy.

4 We have taken a carer with us on holiday and that worked really well. We went out and about during the day and the carer stayed with our son or went out with him and then when we returned they had their evenings and nights free.Carer could even be a member of your family like a grown-up niece or nephew.

5 We have short breaks with our other children and these are a real highlight of our

All our friends children are now grown up and they have such freedom to come and go. That can be hard to witness, but the steps above have helped us to carve out a life for ourselves - just shorter bursts of time but very regularly, It helps us not feel that our entire life is not completely dominated by their needs.
I wish you well OP and I hope that you find a way that works for you.

Life is hard. You decide what to do. If you enjoy travelling, travel. May be understand what kind of activity he will enjoy and taylor it also around him. Life with kids with needs is not an easy one. We all know it and just suck it up, most of the time , without even saying a word.

I feel for you OP. Longer term, he doesn't have to live with you until he's 'ready' to leave home. There is supported accommodation etc.

I am frequently called abusive for expecting him to do small jobs round the house

Just ignore the people who say that to you. My son is 33 and has very complex needs that have involved 2-1 round the clock care for the last 10 years. He lives at home with me and live in caregivers who help look after him in shifts. They do his laundry and ironing but he takes his laundry to the laundry room, puts his ironing away, washes his plates and cups, gets his gym things ready, does little tasks for me, does his own shopping once a week with a list he’s written, can bake using packet mixes, helps the water delivery men with carrying the giant water bottles into the store room and replaces them on the water cooler when needed - I’m sure you get the picture.

My sons never been to school. It’s not what he needed but it doesn’t mean to say he didn’t need an education at all. He just needed one to suit him and that’s what he got. He learned how to be. And for all of his very complex needs my son is actually very independent even though he couldn’t be allowed out the garden gate alone and we have cctv all round the house.

Teach your son to make his bed and cook a simple meal like scrambled eggs and bread. Also how to wash his plates etc. None of these things have to be done perfectly. And remember - dont listen to people who say you’re being cruel

Can you build up gradually over the week?
I also had a really rocky few days on our last holiday with my autistic dc. The whole change in routine and environment was just too much and the first few days were spent telling us how much they hated it, didn’t want to be there etc.
We reduced demands right down and slowly they started agreeing to little things, first a walk to the shop to get some treats. Then a walk to the shop plus eating treats on the beach. By the end we managed to have some days out, albeit scaled down a bit.
Its hard. When at home you have your usual routines and accommodations which you are used to. For me it’s things like holidays that really highlight how different our family is and how much effort we have to put in above and beyond to make it work. But on a positive did end up having an overall nice holiday and I was really proud that my dc managed to spend some quality time with us.

OP, where do children from his school go to after 18?

I've just re-read and realised you're in the UK. I think I'd go home if your life would be easier once you were there. I know it's difficult as you don't want him to feel he can control everything, but if he's making your life a misery and your life would be better if you would be home, then I'd do it for my own sake if not his.

Is there anyone who could stay at your house another time so that you could have a break with your husband?

This shows my ignorance but is there any kind of school with boarding facilities? It sounds as though it's incredibly tough with him at home.

And I would definitely cancel the future holidays unless you could safely go without him.

Just to add my sympathy and support! We took our DS’s to Gullivers World Theme park today and my DS 5 (it was a treat for his birthday) was beautiful and excited and sweet and his older brother who is 8 and has ADHD and ODD was a complete shit from start to finish, purposely ruining it for us all despite being super excited to be going before we arrived! Once there he decided he remembered he hates it there and didn’t want to go on ANY rides or play areas and made fun of his brother for wanting to engage in any activities 🙄 it was VERY difficult and cost a bloody fortune!

Mindfulness activities for both of you are helpful. I’m painting tonight. She is reading. She watches her to shows on a loop on her laptop to calm down. Refuse to pull my daughter or myself to bits. Or to do the things we have been told aren’t helpful. She got upset this evening. Recharging and starting again tomorrow.

Nobody is saying that.

I am close to sending you both to your rooms to calm down, @Gr33nSpot and @BurnerName1. Don’t make me use my scary mum voice.

😉😉😉

We had a particularly horrendous holiday with DS when he was14 in Istanbul-he was NT as far as we knew at the time -but was diagnosed ADHD when he was19.

He clearly had something going on with school mates and a girl when we were away and was glued to his phone, didn't want to go anywhere and in a bad mood- after a few days of this we left him to it in the accommodation with his phone and strict instructions of where to meet us and at what times for meals - on that front he was actually efficient and did as he was told-

We made it clear that the holiday the following year would be the last with us- we went to California and actually had no issues

I feel for you OP- NT teens can be hard enough

The irony of YOU calling me judgemental

We've chosen different approaches. My sympathy is with people like the OP who get told their lives and needs don't matter because their life is now all about the needs of their autistic child. Life is short.

I won't derail the OP'S thread engaging with you.

I haven’t rtft so might be repeating.

First - solidarity. It’s really hard going. We had a really hard, horrendous trip with ds but when he came back he regaled gps and teachers with tales of our adventures making it sound like the most enormous fun. I’ve accepted that there’s often an element of type 2 fun for ds and moaning is a given.

He was 13 on that trip, puberty starting to rear its ugly head, and his capacity to manage dysregulation had nosedived. He had a much more sophisticated sense of danger, and social awareness, and he was deeply overwhelmed in a way he hadn’t been as a child. I’ve had to level up my game, learn a LOT about sensory regulation and emotional regulation and I’ve become a lot more attuned to the challenges holidays bring. .

I find it helpful to remember that when he’s behaving badly, it’s usually because he’s having a bad time. And reducing as much of the sensory overload usually helps.

But I’m also going to say that, contrary to the advice of the experts, meeting agitation with endless calm and patience isn’t always best. The times when I’ve lost my cool with ds have been when he’s felt heard and understood, and sometimes he needs a reason to pull himself back. I’m not talking about emotional abuse - but showing emotion and reaction.

In all honesty, I do think my ds would be better off staying home, but he’s also not ready to be away from me any length, even with gps. And I don’t think the gps would manage a week either - they experience his masked version and he couldn’t sustain that.

When we travel we bring ds’ duvet and pillow (vacuum bag), melatonin and organise a fan for nighttime. Making bedtime smell, sound and feel right goes a long way. Is there something like this that you could focus on?

Other tips: We find books a great way to regulate and calm off screen, and humorous movies and cartoons can be a mood reset - we try and find a boxset to watch as a family ritual after dinner. You can create routines and rituals out of thin air - eg we always have orange juice for breakfast on holiday. We have a treat after lunch. Finding those anchors in the day can help stabilise his sense of time.

Also for any recurring arguments or power struggles, I find a written rule/policy helps. We have rules about wearing sunblock, and how much water to drink. It’s not anbout being controlling but reducing decision fatigue and the endless overthinking.

If we’re going somewhere, we discuss the plan (night before or morning of), pull up some basic info, check the menu of the restaurant. Having a plan is crucial. I’ll also build in some wriggle room (“and if I see an antique shop on the way I’ll need to go in for a look”)

obviously it’s all individual but there might be something useful, or it might trigger some ideas of your own. I’d love to say there’s a magic formula but I haven’t found it yet. But he’s 15 now and the last few holidays haven’t been as horrendous as that one, so I’m tentatively hopeful.

hope it gets easier op.

I think it's the downtime he needs. But he almost needs all day as downtime as avoidance for doing anything related to holiday which means we're all stuck in the accommodation and we may as well be at home?

Surely you can take the morning out on your own to go for a walk, visit a local attraction, sit and have a coffee somewhere pleasant and do something for you and change over with your DH at lunchtime? You can read in your room while your DS does whatever he wants to do. I presume he'd be happy spending all day on the computer.

Then perhaps you can do something together in the evening. Make it clear to him that you've worked hard for this holiday and you're not going to let him ruin it. Good luck.

Is there anything you can do to make the place more homelike for him? what is it that he is missing or is it simply that he can not cope with the change? What does he do at home/ what do you do when he is stressed there?

If he wasnt autistic you could send him to a room on his own until he could behave - would it actually help him to be in a quiet room on his own as it does help some young people?

It is difficult to change other people and sometimes you have to accept what you can not change. I wouldnt go home but I would take it in turns to get out of the house and give him as little attention as you can when in the house. Even autistic young people should not get bad behaviour rewarded.

Ah mocking and judgemental, you must be so proud of yourself .

All my children have autism and adhd as do I and yes I work with children who have autism too. I’ve also had a lot of involvement and advice from professionals.

You wrote

“The biggest mistake I see parents of autistic DC making is being terrified to challenge or confront them.

The world beyond the family home will not pander to any child. It is setting children up to find the world a harsh, rejecting and terrifying place facing a lifetime of isolation and victimhood.”

You were the one pushing it’s my way or the highway and scaremongering to boot.

I don’t need or want your applause thanks. 🤔

I'm actually laughing at your post. Do you know why?

I'm ND. My DC = ND. I work with - wait for it - children and adults who are ND. I was quoting another poster who is autistic with an autistic child.

Your way is not the only way to parent a ND child. Get off your high horse.

Ironically I was about to applaud your previous post about your daughter's progress and then I saw your next post was attacking me Ah well, what the hell, I'll applaud you anyway