To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

That doesn’t mean you owe him your life 🙄

What will he ‘actually’ do if he becomes distressed when on his own. Does he go in to crisis?… Will he damage items within the holiday home? Will he abscond and go missing?

I often find that dis regulated behaviours worsen with an audience.

I'm autistic and behave like this pre-meltdown. Everything is awful and everyone is idiotic. He's probably suffering a lot. Did you not realise that having children would mean you had to take their needs into account, whatever their needs might be? It was your decision to bring him into the world, not his.

What kind of holiday is it?… Is there anything going on that he’s usually interested in?

My dc are massive mountain bikers, so atm, whilst I have a selfish 14yr old, out holidays are focussed on mtb. Which is fine as my 10yr old will do anything, and I love mtb myself.

No mine aren’t always met but I’m the adult and the parent . I have a fully developed brain as I’m over 25 and I’ve had years to learn what helps and what doesn’t. I take time out to cope with promoting ND
children.

Interestingly my dc’s MH, ability to cope with ND, their thought for others etc have improved massively since we started parenting more supportively and with more understanding alongside less confrontation and challenge.

Yes and many of us are doing the same for our ND children in a completely different way to you. The test for me is: are everyone's needs being met? The OP's are not from what I read.

It's probably different for my DC because I'm physically disabled as well as ND. Frankly ND is the least of my problems. It probably forced DC to realise that their 'needs' were sometimes wants and no more important than anyone else's, regardless of any labels.

What does he like to do? If you’re in the UK & you think he’ll like it try a local holiday camp. If he’s behind then many will still consider him due to his sen

So upsetting him and dis regulating him more, taking away something that will help soothe him?

How about trying to talk about what is causing the discomfort and asking if they could find some strategies and ways to reduce the disregulation together? Try to build in some activities that will replenish stores used up from being away from home and away from comforts and familiarity.

Have you actually told him how rude he is being and how much this is upsetting you ? Fair enough his autistic but that's no excuse for treating his parents like dirt. The phone needs to go or the Xbox until he learns some manners.

I’m not treading carefully. I’m parenting supportively and in a way that actually helps her.

I am surprised you haven't lost your shit yet. I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from any of my children. Yes he has autism and you tolerate his attitude because you love him but in the real world no one will tolerate him and his attitude. You have to start following through with the consequences.

Who says they’re not trying or being taught to try?

“Allow” - you can berate all you like but it won’t change anything. It’s pointless punishing what a child who is struggling with a disability can’t help. Been there, done that.

@Gr33nSpot I understand why you are treading carefully given your daughter's history. I'm glad she's making progress, sincerely.

So the solution is to.allow and excuse any and all behaviour just because ND?

They don't need to try? At all?

The point is people with ND have difficulties on top of the overwhelm and stress NT people experience it’s not the same. Hence it being classed as a disability. Meltdowns and disregulation will
always happen unless a large amount of reasonable adjustments and coping strategies are built into life. Even then they will happen at times. It take many years.Berating is pointless as a ND will feel bad enough and it won’t make it not happen again.

Define coping skills and resilience. Masking has caused my daughter to try to take her own life several times. It’s not about the world revolving round ND people. It doesn’t, quite the reverse .All day ND people hold and manage huge difficulties in a world that absolutely doesn’t revolve round them. Those difficulties vary as does the ability to cope. I teach my children to survive by not carrying out parenting strategies professionals have told us will not work but will simply increase disregulation and distress. I am learning to ride the waves alongside and to explore and support what causes difficulties alongside helping them to develop coping strategies that help them.There will always be behaviour that a NT world will look down on. It’s pointless me confronting and challenging it. It causes huge damage. They feel crap enough as it is. Holding, supporting and learning from my children what will help next time is far better
for us.

Well exactly ND needs to be taken into account but it can't be a get out of jail free card for appalling behaviour.

The world rolls out the red carpet for no one in life. You make your own way and no one is going to make excuses for the type of behaviour the ops son is dishing out.

My partner is ND. I make allowances for it within reason. He has to make some effort. It can't all be about his needs and terms and conditions to feel comfortable.

The OPs son if his behaviour is allowed to continue , will just learn that everyone else's needs will alway play second fiddle to his needs.

People with ND gets overwhelmed, stressed etc. but so do those without ND.

people without ND cant be expected to suck it up whilst allowing those with ND to supersede all else.

Hahahaha and I bet you believed her! Hahaha

Seriously though, I would never have made my family (in my case mum and gran) feel like crap on holiday becas of MY bad behavior. It would never have occurred. I have precious memories of our holidays. We didn’t always do what I wanted to do and there was compromise but there was never tension and arguing. I feel sorry for OP.

I love this post more than I can say.

I honestly think a portion of the 'neurodiversity' movement is causing enormous longterm harm. Most adults here grew up at a time when neurodiversity wasn't even recognised. Many of us suffered a lot masking for years and years BUT we also learned enormous resilience and coping skills because we had to.

Greater understanding of ND is wonderful and simple adjustments can make a massive difference but the world cannot and should not revolve around ND people. At that point the balance tips into narcissism not neurodiversity. As a ND parent with ND DC I want to teach DC to survive and thrive in a world that will not centre them. Why should it?

I have a DSD who has a very severe eating disorder. Her teen years were spent with our lives rigidly driven by her needs, her life, her illness ..so I understand the resentment so so well.
Holidays were a no go for ages and then the whole thing planned like a military operation..
Even then it was often awful ..but one thing I learnt from another forum was not to be afraid of calling out bad behavior and that not all bad behavior is due to their illness or neurodiversity.
I used the phrase " that is unacceptable, you have an eating disorder not a rudeness disorder" quite a few times.

ND is one thing and it sounds as if the OP is aware and does organize,compromise and accomadate for her DS's neurodiversity but in the end you can still just be a silly rude teenager who needs telling the world does not revolve around you.

I would absolutely not go home. It is your holiday too. Your son can be as ND as he likes, he needs to learn about other people's needs. Going home is not the answer.

You're describing me at 14. Sorry about that mum and dad. I remember slinging my sandwiches across a sandy beach in Cornwall, and nothing, nothing at all seemed to cheer me up. As payback, I have a 16 year old DS who is much the same. And because these moments are completely unpredictable, cutting your losses may not make you any happier. You'll be back on home turf for sure, but it doesn't mean his behaviour will necessarily improve either, or that you'll have a better time. I am really sorry that it's spoiling your holiday, I hope you do get some joy out of it somehow or another.,

That made me laugh. I remember the ‘I’ll kill the pair of you’ comments made by DM at DB and me …

I feel your frustration OP.

Do not go home. The money is paid.

Forget about next holidays for now.

So. Ten days left.

Sit with DH tonight and make a plan for the next say two days. One day at home each, one day out and about or napping or whatever.

Concentrate on your needs. Food, a walk, a book, just rest.

Then that leaves 8 days. If things have improved with DS having some quiet time, have a further plan, if they have not, continue.

As an aside what does he enjoy? It might not be what you want but for example would a new game for computer device. Whatever.

It's so so hard. But you are away on this one so replan and see what can get you both some down time

Every time I read a thread like this I am reminded of a similar thread where a bunch of ND MNers came on and said it was only an almighty bollocking from a parent at the end of their tether that made them sort their shit out. I wish I’d saved the link tbh, but there were many voices that said that whilst it probably came from a place of wanting to control everything, ultimately it was just them being unreasonable and the more people tiptoed around them, the harder it was for them to realise that they were being unreasonable and needed to learn to cope and not expect everyone else to bend over backwards.