To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

@pookie999
It's very clear OP loves her DS though she's finding his behaviour hard to take at the moment.

Lots of people on here can empathise with the difficulties she's facing.

@kaleidoscoperuby I haven’t had a SEN child, but dealing with my own regular teenagers was a pretty horrible experience, so I really feel for you 💐 What does his dad say/want to do?

There’s always one …

I can't believe parents are talking about their children as vile. I'm a foster carer and look after mainly this age range. If you don't know how to parent and can't take responsibility for how you have raised your children. Do everyone a favour and don't have kids. You should be ashamed to be such unloving parents

Hi OP, just wanted to offer some solidarity. My 15 year old is ND, and we usually have to plan holidays so that he can cope and things rub along OK. We’ve just got back from Florida - we’ve been with him before, managed his sensory needs etc and he coped fine - he really wanted to go back so we booked again.

Honestly, some days he looked like we’d kidnapped him against his will and he trailed about with a face like a slapped arse, all slouchy and moody and just wanted to stare at his phone. Holiday cost us a LOT of money and was meant to be a treat for him! DH was ready to give up after a few days, but we eventually worked out that his hormones and changing ND needs meant he just wasn’t coping well with his changed routine. We built in more rest time, and although he still had his days where he looked like he’d rather be anywhere else, he was more settled.

It is so difficult to know how ND teens will react to change of routine, even with the best preparation, so go easy on yourself and us parents who know what’s it’s like are with you in spirit!

Oh I feel for you OP .
My youngest ( of 3 ) has autism and mild learning disabilities .
We have nobody willing to help us / look after her so our holidays are ( and always have been ) a compromise .
I feel there is no point fighting it because I am tired .
What has worked best for us recently is having short holidays in the UK so we aren’t away from home for too long .
We take our dog along too so she has the comfort of having him there with her .
We book a self catering holiday cottage with a garden .
We check bedroom configuration which means she can decide to share a twin room with me or have privacy in her own bedroom.
We make sure there is a separate toilet as well as a main bathroom.
She takes certain items from home with her and her Nintendo Switch .
She is ok to be left alone for short periods of time so we try to get a location that means I can go out for coffee with husband in the mornings
And she can do the same thing , wander local shops and go to the cafes , once we have familiarised her with the location .
That age can be so difficult 😞

What an exhausting place to be in. You must be just so tired and fed up.

I only have experience of a normal pre/early teen which is I suspect not helpful. Several things I have found helpful:
Continuous food. Endless snacking. They are evil when hungry. If your son doesn't eat much then it's potentially an even bigger problem.

Tech detox. YouTube seems to drive the most horrific behaviour. A total detox (zero hours) seems to produce a semblance of a normal human within 2-3 days.

Trade offs. Discussion on what everyone wants to do. Find a balance even if it means the odd afternoon watching marvel films or staying home while he games. Teens are very keen on fair treatment. They have a very black and white world, even more so with autism.

But the relevant MN groups may have more helpful suggestions.

My ASD kid is horrific for a few days then settles into holiday life. Hoping yours is coming out of the ASD routine change rage 🤞
Mine is deeply entrenched in start of holiday retaliation currently- I’ve been hit and screamed at a lot his week so I feel you!

Ah … hormones!

Tbh op it’s a perfect time to try to knock the edge off some of his domineering rigidity . I understand the autism makes that harder, but instead of shying away, how do you think he would respond if factually and without emotion you explained how you had been looking forward to it and he is ruining it for you? You would like him to join in and support thd activities. Talk him through how you would like him to act and he may surprise you - even if just for a couple of hours a day . It sounds simple but teens can be surprisingly dimwitted when wrapped up in their own feelings .

Just 22% of autistic adults are in any type of work. Slow hand clap for the failure to see what is brutally in front of all our eyes, where ND exists in the family.

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/news/new-data-on-the-autism-employment-gap

I hope you enjoy your smugness as you watch your children work normal jobs with normal lives while we wait for our ND kids' switches to magically flip.

What a fucking joke.

I'm glad you're having an easier day x

I get it completely, ADHD myself, partnered with an ASD hubbie, all three adult kids with ASD, one with ADHD, one with Dyspraxia and one OCD and severe anxiety.
My stepson has severe LD & ASD, my eldest grandson ASD/GDD/ADHD.

Neurodivergency in my family is the norm rather than the exception and it's flipping exhausting.

I'm would love to take my grandson on holiday again but the last time we went when he was 4, 4 years ago, was so horrific I just don't think I can do it again.

In solidarity x

@Getonwitit No there is no magic switch. Autism is a lifelong social and communication disability.

I've sat here trying to type a response that encapsulates all I'd like to reply with but words fail me.

The ableist, nasty responses demonstrate such lack of knowledge and insight. Wow. Im sad for all the autistic children growing up around adults and peers who hold these beliefs and for all the autistic people who have gone before.

Perhaps there is a place in the upbringing of an autistic child for "widening horizons". I can tell you now it won't be on holiday when they are acclimatising to the transition and change of being in a new place/climate/environment. It needs to be when all other variables are familiar, when they feel safe and unchallenged by the world around them.

OP- stay strong. Low demand all the way xxxx

Try and hire a nurse or caregiver for a day so you and hubby can have a day together.

Do you mean for these holidays?
Because that won't work.

Take turns staying with DS and go out for individual activities; alternate days. Try and hire a nurse or caregiver for a day so you and hubby can have a day together. Rinse, repeat.

I just wanted to say I hear you and send a huge hug.

It is an unrelenting, ever changing and completely exhausting 24hr experience. We are unable to leave our DC ( 18/15/11) with anyone. My very loving husband is also Autistic and as ADHD. I now finally understand why he has struggled to offer any adequate support over the years.

The FB/ insta images of other people’s holidays (fake perfect or not) at this time of year is another kick in the teeth.

I think you are in a really hard phase. So maybe take a step back from holidays for a while. Use the time and the money to do things that fill your cup. Be kind to yourself. Do not be judged by others. Your life. Your experience.

You prepare them to the very best of your ability, but the reality is many autistic adults do continue to live at home and autistic adults have very low levels of employment when compared with NT adults.

Usually, that's not because they haven't tried. Or because the parents haven't parented right. It's because it's a disability. People are affected to varying degrees. It's not a level playing field, not even among the ND community. Probably especially not among the ND community. Additional needs vary so much and autism is generally not a superpower whatever those ridiculous slogans say.

You're right, there is no magic switch. Hopefully society could become more accomodating of difference and diversity instead of expecting all the effort to come from the ND person. I actually thought we were moving in that direction but some of the attitudes on this thread have been depressing really.

It sounds very difficult

maybe a holiday during these teen years is just not possible ? If the stress outweighs the benefit and there’s little benefit to him?

My be priority is helping them to manage their disability. They are kind lovely young adults however when in complete overwhelm and anxiety no I don’t lecture or focus on the feelings or needs of others. That has happened naturally throughout childhood.

It was one of the most popular topics years ago and was amazingly helpful but, there were so many uninformed people posting irrelevant advice (and nasty comments) as they often failed to realise the subject of the thread was a ND child that Mumsnet decided to change how it was accessed (I think you couldn’t search conversations and the threads didn’t appear in the list of active conversations.

I don’t know if this has changed since then but after those measures you could Only see the tumbleweed passing by…

He's autistic - he has great difficulty coping with change and it's unreasonable to blame anyone for that.
Can you take him home, leave him with grandparents and then come back to your holiday? Not ideal but maybe the least bad option if it can be managed?
And be realistic about holidays in the next few years - maybe later on you'll have more freedom.

Good for you but hope that includes showing your child that others have feelings, needs and requirements.

So glad you’re having a better day.We do the low demand day alternative thing too. Planning itineraries together really helps .Too many people isn’t good for my dd. She will do really well with walking( she has hypermobility too)but when she’s done she’s done so we have to be aware of that. She’s not that good if overheated for too long either .

I would just go home, why put everyone through more. Next time book closer to home so gps can remove him or take a friend for him to socialise with or get him to say where he'd like to go.

Teens can be difficult and that is without any ND. You've obviously had years of it so what would you advise others in the same situation? Are there holiday camps for those with sns that might suit him better next time?

Barring all that just ignore him and write it all off for this year. Headphones and a book?

As my ND DD's clinical psychologist pointed out, the teenage years are in many ways the hardest as they do not have control over their world and have to fit in with others. She commented that once they become adults, it actually becomes much easier as they tend to choose activities that they can manage, career choices that work for them and surround themselves with people who they know will understand. The concept that they have to "get used to the world outside" was wrong in her opinion. There are times that this has to happen - but because they are so much more in control of the rest of their lives, they are much more able to cope with the few things they cannot control.

As teenagers, they can be overwhelmed with everything else in their lives and so they desperately try to control the few things they can. While yes, ND children can be badly behaved, it is often the case that they simply cannot control their emotions when overwhelmed. Understanding is needed, and a conversation when they are calmer about how to manage better next time. Not punishment.

😂
You really have no idea. Telling a ND child their behaviour is vile isn’t going to flip a switch and is NOT preparing them for adulthood or helpful.

I am preparing my child for adulthood and putting more effort into it than most parents need to.