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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

407 replies

kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 16:44

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 31/07/2024 17:05

kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:02

We don't! Doesn't make his endless rudeness and hideous behaviour any easier to deal with just because I get to go for a walk on my own - I can do that at home too!

Show quote history

I hear you. But at least a different walk to one you may do at home. Or take it in turns to go to an attraction? Or go to a cafe?

Believe me, even NT teens are like this. Not that I am excusing his behaviour. Just that it is pretty common.

5128gap · 31/07/2024 17:04

You can't let him do something that will hurt others to get his own way. Not only is that unfair on your and DH, it's unfair on him, as its way too much power and responsibility to land on a 14 year old that he gets to ruin the hard earned family holiday. Establish some minimum behaviour requirements that you know are within his capabilities and apply sanctions that matter to him if he doesn't meet them. Otherwise, keep going as you are.

Onelifeonly · 31/07/2024 17:04

No stay and make the best of it. Otherwise you are showing him you will give in if he plays up and he'll only get worse. Also you deserve your holiday, impaired though it might be.

Unless he's unsafe, you surely can leave him for more than an hour? (If he is unsafe, then an hour would be too much.)

Call his bluff. Leave him and go somewhere nice for 2 to 3 hours. Leave food and access to tv, laptop or whatever, and let him see how he feels being alone. If he likes it, you can repeat, if not maybe he can be a bit more willing to make an effort.

What does he do at home - game?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 31/07/2024 17:04

Well at least you have the answer for next year’s vacation… leave him with the GPs no matter what he wants. I honestly wouldn’t go home or change your daily plans (but would build in a little extra downtime).

If you were planning a beach day he can sit by himself on the beach… museum great wait in the car…etc.

ETA;
the post above mine (cross posted) changes my answer a bit. Keep bringing him but don’t leave him alone.

Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:04

FrenchandSaunders · 31/07/2024 16:57

Is he ok being left in the accommodation or do you have to take him with you?
Sounds hard OP. We came home early from a holiday when ours were about that age, I had forgotten it until I read this. 14-16 is peak selfish arsehole age IME.

He's ok to be left but only for a short period. He goes to a specialist school and his needs can be quite complex especially if he's been dysregulated so I'm wary of leaving him in not our own home.

To look at him though he's a typical teenage arsehole. But there's more to it which makes it harder to deal with.

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 31/07/2024 17:03

Teens can be arseholes.. ignore his behaviour as as much as you can. Grit your teeth and stay for the 10 days

babycalf · 31/07/2024 17:03

I'd probably pay the GP to move into my home, and go without him in future.

Bear in mind though OP, many teenagers are like this, not just teenagers with autism. This isn't unheard of or unusual behaviour for a 14yo.

Anewuser · 31/07/2024 17:03

Why can’t one of you take him back to the Grandparents, since that was an option?

Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:02

Lentilweaver · 31/07/2024 16:57

Leave him with DH and go out. Why do you need to all be together?

We don't! Doesn't make his endless rudeness and hideous behaviour any easier to deal with just because I get to go for a walk on my own - I can do that at home too!

OP posts:
Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:01

Eversonotwell · 31/07/2024 16:52

Can the GPs come and collect him from a middle ground area?

Not really. It's really quite far away!

OP posts:
Sunnydiary · 31/07/2024 17:01

I don’t understand why you can’t take it in turns to go out?

Hobbesmanc · 31/07/2024 17:01

Lentilweaver · 31/07/2024 16:57

Leave him with DH and go out. Why do you need to all be together?

Maybe the op wants to spend time with their partner. Do things together. Maybe they don't like their own company. Op needs advice on strategies to engage her son.

Is there anything locally that would get him interested. An activity or a place to visit.

Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:01

NatureofSociety · 31/07/2024 16:48

Our (now adult) autistic DC behaved like that when overwhelmed. Is there something missing that helps them regulate? They also were well travelled from a very young age, and we had some rocky trips till we worked out that they needed more downtime than we expected.

I would try not to go home yet. Apart from setting a precedent, I'd find it hard not to resent the DC.

And yes - I massively resent him for this. It's really hard not to resent him enough already as our live is completely dictated by his autism yet he just throws everything in our face that we're ruining his life 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Muchtoomuchtodo · 31/07/2024 17:00

Can you take it in turns to stay with him and just relax while the other one goes out?

I don’t have experience of SN but it would be a shame for you and DH to not get the chance to do any of the things that you’d hoped to.

Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:00

NatureofSociety · 31/07/2024 16:48

Our (now adult) autistic DC behaved like that when overwhelmed. Is there something missing that helps them regulate? They also were well travelled from a very young age, and we had some rocky trips till we worked out that they needed more downtime than we expected.

I would try not to go home yet. Apart from setting a precedent, I'd find it hard not to resent the DC.

I think it's the downtime he needs. But he almost needs all day as downtime as avoidance for doing anything related to holiday which means we're all stuck in the accommodation and we may as well be at home?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 31/07/2024 16:59

Why can't you leave him, will he kick off?

FrenchandSaunders · 31/07/2024 16:58

What would happen if you left him? Would he actually be unsafe, or worried/unsettled?

Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 16:58

AllyCart · 31/07/2024 16:48

Sounds tough, OP!

With regard to it feeling like a waste if you do go home, do you think there's any prospect of the holiday getting better?

If no, then look at it in the context of 'sunk cost'. You can either stay there and be miserable 'to get your money's worth' or abandon it and go home if that will be more pleasant.

The money is spent either way, so irrelevant really.

I'm not sure if it will get better tbh. I can't tell. But you're right about the sunken cost element.

OP posts:
Eversonotwell · 31/07/2024 16:57

Yes he has autism but you still need to parent him. He has a choice, participate or you'll call his grandparents to come and take him home. He's already ruined the holiday with his tantrums and sulking so what is a bit more going to do?

FrenchandSaunders · 31/07/2024 16:57

Obv makes it more difficult that you can't leave him.

Maray1967 · 31/07/2024 16:57

otravezempezamos · 31/07/2024 16:48

Are you alone? Or do you have a partner who you can go off for the day with.

So sorry OP. He is being a horrible little shit. I would make holiday sabotage a hanging offense (lighthearted but it’s not on)

It would be a serious offence in my house! There would be a simple question: do you want to continue owning a phone?

If so, then be civil. I don’t require enthusiasm, but I require decent behaviour. I would have no problem in cancelling his phone contract and removing said phone.

Lentilweaver · 31/07/2024 16:57

Leave him with DH and go out. Why do you need to all be together?

FrenchandSaunders · 31/07/2024 16:57

Is he ok being left in the accommodation or do you have to take him with you?
Sounds hard OP. We came home early from a holiday when ours were about that age, I had forgotten it until I read this. 14-16 is peak selfish arsehole age IME.

Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 16:56

There's me and DH and DS. We can't leave him alone in the accommodation really, for an hour at most but no more than that.

He's just decided he didn't want to come and is making sure everyone knows it. He only wants to do things that he wants to do (which is nothing) and massively resents anyone else having a voice or an interest. He's very controlling and rigid generally. Everything is treated with such a scathing look or voice, I'm scared to say anything or do anything incase I poke the beast again.

I just feel really sad about it all. I can't believe I'm actually considering going home and would prefer to be at work ☹️

OP posts:
chosenone · 31/07/2024 16:53

I agree. Don’t indulge him and leave him be. My DS is neurodiverse and could be a pain and moan about being bored so I’d leave him on his screens and when he missed out on an ice cream or whatever that was his choice! Don’t go home, enjoy your break ☀️