To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

Don't as such have SEN children but have had some very difficult holidays with them and poor behaviour. At times have wanted to go home but really reluctant to let them have that 'power'.
As you are already away, if son won't go out, and can't be left alone, you and DH could take it in turns to head out and do something you would like to do.
Maybe reconsider family holidays for the next few years.....

Oh OP, we’ve been through this so many times! It’s awful and honestly only parents of very similar ND children will fully understand. We couldn’t leave our dd alone either, and with siblings in tow who wanted to do things, it was always very very difficult. I don’t really have any other useful advice, other than it does get better as they get older. We just did things any way and just muddled through. Sometimes ignoring dd, sometimes trying to reason, always exasperated and always wondering what to do for the best and if I’m doing the right thing 😂😂

I'd offer a family going home on the same flight some money to supervise him onto the flight.

This is just stupid! And no you wouldn't! Don't talk such shite.

Bloody hell. You don’t have a child with special needs, do you (I hope!)

I would put him on a plane home to the grandparents by himself.

If you can't trust him to actually make the plane, I'd offer a family going home on the same flight some money to supervise him onto the flight.

I’d just go home OP, I totally get wanting to stay in the hope it might get a bit better or to not want to see it as a total waste but the money is spent either way. If you stay you’re going to end up more and more upset and angry, yes you’ll be annoyed at the waste but I suspect you’ll be over that a lot quicker than seeing out another week and dealing with his anger and vitriol.

Perhaps explain to him tonight you’ll be heading back in the morning. It gives him an evening to reflect if he wants to make an effort to stay

Shout at an autistic kid for being autistic? Seems perfect op, definitely do this 👍🏻

With teens the best thing, I find, is to go absolutely fucking mental. Really bloody shout and give then some harsh home truths. Sometimes the shock of being shouted at plus told how selfish and unpleasant it is to be around them makes them realise they are being a complete dick.

He chose to be there. He could have stayed with his grandparents, he could have said no when you booked it. He chose to come, now he needs to suck it the fuck up.

There's going to be things in life that overwhelm him. He can't avoid them all and sulking doesn't make them go away. Some things you can adjust in consideration for his needs. Other things he is going to have to learn some coping strategies for. It does autistic children no favours to think the world must revolve around them because one day it won't. One day we won't be here to shelter them and they will need as many life skills and experiences as we can equip them with. Learning to cope being away from home is one of them.

Then that's the answer. Either way the child needs to know which way is up and it doesn't sound like they do.

I haven't read all the responses but in case it helps, our much smaller child finds choice and timetables really help, and I assume they will continue to help when he's eyerolly and stinky, even if he won't admit it helps?

Could you get him to help plan the next 3 weeks or something? might planning for after the (awful, painful, terrible, unfairly INFLICTED) holiday as well help him regulate?

@eversonotwell that is a really horrible comment - when a SEN chlid is in overwhelm particularly in a difficult situation there sometimes is no way to 'fix' it through parenting other than removing them/ leaving

I sympathise. Our ND DS was quite difficult on our recent family holiday - not liking the heat, suncream, seawater, fish in the sea etc etc etc - threatening to ruin it for others.

We could leave him for a bit, so did (though I felt sad about this), and I also promised that in future, I would offer him the choice of going to GPs. We also did a little bit of 'dragging him out' with me babysitting him - finding shady spots, waiting with him when necessary - and DH doing the more 'normal' stuff with the other kids. He did occasionally perk up at things he decided he liked. Mostly I think he understood that he wasn't going to be made to go through the experience again. Would grandparents be an option for future holidays - so you could go alone with DH for a break?

My then 15year old daughter walked out and i knew at the time she'd gone to a mates house a few doors down. I didn't go looking for her, went to bed and next day took my baby daughter to a nearby town shopping with a friend. The. friends mum kept me informed of my daughters status. When I got home and went into my house laughing with my friend my daughter was home and absolutely furious that id not gone looked for her. She improved her behaviour after that.

I think I'd go home OP.

oh Op my heart goes out to you - my daughter is autistic and I can totally imagine this scenario.

I'm sure it's a case of 'can't' not 'won't' in terms of his inability to engage and enjoy the holiday and he probably feels shame about it as well knowing its spoiling your time.

I don't know the answer but I just wanted to say this is really not an ordinary 'discipline' issue as some people are suggesting and Im sorry for you dealing with it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My DS with ASD was similar sometimes on holiday, but lower needs so we could just leave him on his own sometimes.

My only suggestion is that you tag-team it with your DH and take it in turns to go out / stay with DS. You could stop even asking him whether he wants to do things; let him stay in his room all day on his screens with the curtains drawn if necessary (if that's what he does). Maybe after a few days of that then he might be more amenable. Or maybe not. But at least you and DH get some days out, albeit alone and only half the time - it's very far from ideal, but it may be better than nothing.

I would go home and cancel all future holidays. My DS had a 14 day autistic strop one holiday and looking back I can’t understand why we didn’t just come home. I cancelled all our future holidays though. The way we holiday is v different now: short short breaks that DC wants to do and 1:1. Also low stakes if we need to back out. I really feel for you. Hand hold.

I’m sorry you’re having a difficult holiday. I have two SEN teens. We haven’t done a holiday for a couple of years. It feels wasteful to be mainly in the accommodation, especially when holidays are so expensive. Would he be open to discussing everyone’s feelings and reaching a compromise on what you do and when you go home?

This sounds good. 🤞🏻

My friend’s nd child hates holidays because he says other places don’t smell right!

Are you able to go home, leave him with gps and go away again for a city break with your husband?

It sounds like you’d benefit from planning respite regularly. You sound exhausted xx

I really feel for you. Give it a few more days, maybe?

This might be farfetched but is there any way of sourcing a caregiver there, where you are? Are there agencies that might specialize in SEN caregivers? Or any sort of activity he can be booked into without you? Or does one of you have to be with him at all times?

What would motivate him? Gaming or phone time? Playing a game with one of you? Visit to a specific shop? Any sports or outdoor activities?
Then you can trade X outing today (with no moaning or eye rolling - or just ignore that) for phone/X box/mountain biking/electronics shop tomorrow.

I admit by that age i would just leave my autistic dd in the holiday accommodation gaming, i admit this isn't an option for all but worked for us. Sometimes her dsis stayed with her, sometimes she came with us.

I would also suggest that agreeing to a holiday 18 months ahead is probably far too far ahead, 12 & 14 is pretty different in temperament

Will he do logical negotiation. Like I know you want down time , we want to go out, you can't stay here so
Do you want to go out in the morning, or afternoon, you have to choose one?