To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

Is there anything he's obsessional about locally that would help improve his mood?

Any kind of bargaining chip for anything at all?

Sounds really hard OP. I so hope it improves but if not, go home and at least there you have a bit more freedom?

Throw in the towel and go home.
You're on a hiding to nothing.
And don't book any more holidays except ones that you take on your own for a few day's respite.

It sounds like it's extra difficult as you should be enjoying your holiday but similar behaviours happen at home. So possibly it's the stress of wanting to have a break and better time than you are plus everyone in top of eachother. Is he quite demand avoidant? I'd make the most of what you can and reduce demand. So enjoy that hour out together, take some individual time too, do something you want to at the accommodation and invite him to join in but don't stress if he doesn't, enjoy the outside space.

Threaten to book a babysitter?

Are you sure he's not actually enjoying it sometimes teenagers just have that face. Maybe threatening to go home if he doesn't pack it in might actually work

Another thing regarding holidays that I know BIL and SIL are really looking into is a motorhome. They are faced with 4 ND DC who may live independently at some point but maybe not for many years. With the oldest, they are starting to leave him to pop to the corner shops in his own space gaming. They are hoping to build this up as he gets older over time and are thinking a motorhome might be a good half way house. It would park on their drive and they hope to get the DN it frequently and then when they go away use the motor home and as it's a familiar space they may be able to stay gaming in it for a few hours whilst others do other activities in a few years time.

He's got grandparents who would take him.

Have the holidays.

If you can't change your DS' attitude, can you change your attitude OP? So what if he sulks, gets angry, is rude and vile? Rise above it so that you and your DH do the things you want to and enjoy yourselves.

Admittedly my ds is not autistic.
When he was around 14 he was an absolute arse. He too was well travelled and een to many places off the beaten track for UK tourists. On one trip he had a face on him, moaned and whined, this started to stress ds2 out in turn put dh in a bad mood. I tried to gentle parent. Nothing.
I blew and he was told very sharply to put his bloody face straight, stop acting like a selfish brat and get his arse into gear other wise I would make the rest of the trip hell for him. The final word were buck up and shut up!!!
It worked.
I admit, it's not going to work for everyone, especially if they have autism but he needed to know it's not all about him!
14 years later we still go on holiday with him but,of course, it's a different vibe, ( and him and his gf pay their own way)

This is the best advice given- please think about this op.

Thinking of you

Typical teenage behaviour I’d say. Why can’t you leave him alone on the room for few hours? If you’re in a resort/ hotel do they have babysitting service (yes I know he’s too old for that but a) may make you more comfortable b) might click with him if he’s behaving like a toddler he’d be treated as one)?

Can you not stick him on a train and get a grandparent to meet him the other end?

I'd offer a family going home on the same flight some money to supervise him onto the flight.

What would they do on landing?...

They might be people smugglers!!

Lol - not -. some people on here just have NO life experience.

Would you accept money from a stranger at an airport checking in to take a bag for you?! Maybe carrying drugs?!

Mumsnet is full of idiots without life experience.

It's a tough situation. I really feel for you and your husband - we all look forward to holidays for so long.

I think taking him back to grandparents in this situation wouldn't be a good plan - you'd just be making life difficult for them for the next week because he's unlikely to perk up if being away from home is the issue.

I think I'd try to salvage what was left of the holiday, do the things I'd planned and try very, very hard to ignore the huffing and sulking. Tell him the holiday is very important to you and that you won't be going home so he'll have to just put up with it. Who knows - if he realises there's no chance of packing up and leaving he might stop angling for it.

Please excuse me if this isn't helpful in the circumstances, I've no experience of children with autism.

Good for you.
How about ‘do you still want to own a head?’ as an upgrade 🤣🤣🤣

joke obviously, death threats are bad.

can either you or DH go out separately for a walk or to a spa or event/sightsee on your own, taking turns? I know you’ll want each others company but to save DC thinking he’s got his own way by going home, could that work for this holiday? Then cancel the others and either have him at GP or respite care sometime so you and DH can have a bit of time together. Then keep taking alternate short breaks. It must be heartbreaking and so frustrating at the same time op

I’m so sorry OP. I’m the autistic person in this scenario. If he is like me then even in my teenage years my (very) bad behaviour wasn’t deliberate. I wanted to cope, but couldn’t. He does love you - he feels safe enough to do this with you.

I don’t know what is for the best so can’t offer advice as I haven’t been the parent.

What a nice, encouraging post @UrsulaBelle. Some hope for poor OP.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Hard though, it would really wind me up.

The other option is to take him to his grandparents.

Don't let him win or dominate the situation, otherwise this may be the start of him controlling situations with you.

In future I would just plan holidays without him and ask grandparents to have him. You and your DH deserve a break. In the meantime, could you take it in turns to go on trips this week? Nothing wrong with solitary trips and it means you can do each do some nice things

He's very controlling and rigid generally. Everything is treated with such a scathing look or voice, I'm scared to say anything or do anything incase I poke the beast again.

Just ignore him completely. I'd take turns to go out without him. There must be something you can do that you can't do at home.

I wouldn't want to go out on my own. We have had to at times (some really struggling fc )and i really hated it. I never calmed, I was always concerned at the fact I'd left my dh to deal with it, and he would say the same. Several times I'd question why we bothered and we could have stayed at home!!

I’m not trying to tell you what you presumably already know OP but you are describing a child with really fairly significant ND difficulties include ARFID and yet seem surprised that he isn’t coping with a holiday - something which surely is a really well recognised trigger for many autistic people?

My autistic teen really struggles with change- place, routine, food, activities, even the weather. Gets overwhelmed massively on holiday and then moans and sulks or gets shouty. So we either reduce the stimulation as much as well can, keep the holiday as familiar as we can or give it time when we arrive with zero expectations, screen in room and easy food until he starts to emerge and we can slowly do a bit more.

Your son likely isn’t being rude or entitled he’s overwhelmed with all the change and lashing out. Either accept that and give him time or stop expecting him to love something that he clearly finds really hard and don’t go on holiday. Yes it’s hard but so is being an autistic teenager.