To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

Take his devices away and tell him he can have them for 1 hour at the end of the day if he is nice. Extend to 2 hours if he goes along and so on until he gets the message.

if he refuses, smash it in front of him. Sometimes kids need to understand they don’t rule the roost.

I think I'd be bluntly honest back (to a degree... some of the stuff you've said here I would not let him know).

I would tell him, it is NOT acceptable to make everyone around him suffer.

I would probably give back screens on the basis that he comes with and sits quietly with that - he has to be there, and he has to not be vile with his words, but he doesn't have to interact beyond the basics and he doesn't have to pretend to like it either.

Make the parameters VERY clear, don't tippy toe around them 'no huffing, no 'I don't wanna' whining, if you're asked if you want A or B to eat, you answer rather than glaring and silence.. (fill in his own particular things here).

Then for subsequent holidays, find somewhere else for him to be, or holiday seperately until he is old enough to be left, because I doubt this is going to improve until he can do his own thing for a LOT longer, whilst on holiday.

FFS. The "just punish them until they mask their autism more effectively" brigade is out in full force on this thread.

OP, I agree that an SEN parent's perspective is completely different here. I'd be going in the opposite direction and trying to think of sensory stuff you can lean into that might make him more comfortable - screen time, smells he likes, very very familiar food so his ARFID isn't more triggered than it already is), his comfiest clothes, bedding that smells like home (or swap his pillows for yours so they smell like you, etc etc).

For all of the hormones, emotionally, he isn't a teen. He's much younger and bollocking him into some sort of forced compliance is just going to up the ante and lead to a huge blowout. Whereas it might just work if you make the whole thing as tolerable as possible for him, while telling him explicitly that that's what you're doing, because you love him and don't want him to be unhappy but you are committed to be away for X nights and that's still the plan.

Think back to the stuff that worked for him at a younger age. Visual calendars? Now and next boards? Water play? If there's any way you can make that familiar, reassuring stuff happen, you might be able to take the sting out of the situation for him and therefore for you and DH.

Sad as it may feel it's ok to go home. Sometimes it's ok to admit it would be easier at home.
You could still have a break from work.
Of course it's not the outcome you want.
The only other options have all been given some good ideas to consider.
Even NT teens can behave poorly on holiday and it can be very unsettling for ND teens.
Perhaps when you are home and he's more settled you can have a chat about holidays and discuss your furture ones with him?
Sorry it sounds very hard.

Is he safe to be left alone? I’m assuming he wants to laze and play online games? and sedentary.

Can you work with him and leave him alone for exact periods of time with tracking on his phone? So you know he is safe?

it’s helpful to know what has got him so angry. If could be anything with screen, friends are similar better, boy/gurl conflict, hating unfamiliar places, no privacy … hating beach, sun, walking with parents.

@kaleidoscoperuby .
" I massively resent him for this. It's really hard not to resent him enough already as our live is completely dictated by his autism yet he just throws everything in our face that we're ruining his life 🤷‍♀️"

THIS is whats ruining things really. ...Im not condemning or even crittersize. Just from outside looking in(which is always so much easier of course)
youve said his attitude/behviour is unlikely change much regrdless where your at.
neither is yours tho.
Difference is,you can reassess and alter your perspective and expectations.
(as before-easy said)
good luck x

Op thank you for posting this thread. I have a pre teen with autism and I have picked up some useful tips from this thread, as well as scrolling by the unhelpful ones.

My DS is gets embarrassed. One thing that has helped us, is that we have explained that when he rude in public we find it embarrassing, because it is infront if others. He kindof gets it.

I like the idea of saying that he has to do one thing a day, as suggested by another poster.

For the first time recently, I felt truly resentful of my pre teen. I do get it, I think it is a valid feeling given the situation.

I wouldn't go home but I would be thinking g that other arrangements will need to be made for any future holidays.

I would suggest come up with a timetable ( almost) and share care with partner. Enjoy the one hour he can be left alone.

I don't have experience of autistic young people on holiday but memories of how much hope we had, only to have it dashed. Maybe this is the key, realistic expectations.

I mean this kindly, but I'd be considering residential care options.

Would they want to do that though? Sounds like hard work to me that!

Eldest DS was like this and it honestly ruined every holiday we took them on as kids. To be fair to him though he hadn't been diagnosed at that stage and found it very hard to put into words exactly WHY he hates holidays. It came to a head when he was 15 (shortly before diagnosis) and we had the absolute worst holiday with both him and us in tears a few days in. He asked us to promise never to take him on holiday again as he hated it. After his diagnosis came through and he got some counselling and was able to express his feelings some more he told us the problem with holidays, for him, was being out of his normal environment, with people he didn't know, at places he had no interest in and then returning to a hotel where he had none of his home comforts and nothing felt the same. It was enough to cause him to have meltdowns and since then he's never went on another holiday.

I know it doesn't help now but maybe your DS is just lashing out as he's missing his own home comforts? DS had said he'd probably have coped better if we'd taken his XBOX and let him stay gaming all day while we entertained the younger kids.

it’s moments like this that my DH comes into his own with DC1 (ASD). He just calmly ignores all the deregulation and gets on with it, he chatters away about the weather imparts interesting facts and rises to precisely nothing. This often gives DS1 enough time to get a grip and start enjoying it.

are you able to just crack on and ignore?

I think part of teens being such shits is their programming to push people away and become independent, which is doubly hard when they're an autistic kid underneath who needs their important people to be consistent and present. It must be harder for him having all the weird teen hormones jumping around when he probably likes things to be predictable.

If talking to him is bad would writing him a note help?

I know you don't want to be here but we are.
I've made a list of things I think might be fun and left spaces at the bottom for you to add some.

There is also a second list of rewards, you can choose one thing on that list for every one of the activities you do with us without looking like I pissed in your applejuice
love from mum xxx

Ds is autistic and he hates going away. He hates going anywhere away from home even if he loves what he's doing.

So we have compromised.
He comes.
We don't nag him about bedtime/screen time etc.
We let him have some choice in what we do.
We make sure if we go to the beach (he has major sensory issues with sand) that firstly he has somewhere he can sit where he can see us but not be on the sand and secondly his shoes will be an old/very cheap pair that are thrown away after the holidays.
We try and find somewhere he really likes to eat out at least one evening.
He takes his weighted blanket.
Now he's older he can stay behind if he doesn't want to come on a day.

You realise he is autistic and not deliberately behaving like a toddler 🙄
OP has said why he can’t be left alone … perhaps read all OP’s posts before jumping in with stupid comments.

I have a child with autism and a child with autism and adhd.

At one point my child with autism and adhd was on holiday with her father and not coping. He shouted at her that she was ruining the holiday and she ran out into Berlin with no money. She was gone for several hours.

He rang me at 2am when she'd been missing for a while and opened with "I may have lost our daughter..."

I rang her (she was scared to answer her phone to him) and got her to a hotel and paid for a room overnight so she was safe.

Shouting at someone with autism can have big consequences. I was not impressed with his parenting.

Things that have worked for us:

Booking a hotel literally in the middle of what we want to see. So if in Barcelona, on las ramblas. If in Marrakech, just off the main square.

This means that you can have short trips out as a family (see the cats/eat dinner/walk down the street) but the hotel is always close to retreat back to.

We also had success with AI as lying around on a beach was popular and people could go on excursions in combinations.

I didn't spot that part - maybe he could earn phone/gaming back for short pleasant outings.
We frame it as rewards for jobs not consequences for bad behaviour (son has ADHD and he's currently trying on the contents of his wardrobe, often a flash point, in small increments to get screen time).

No advice really OP but I have a 6 year old autistic DD & I can see this being our future! Just today for example we went in to our local town & I suggested we get a drink somewhere. DD couldn’t sit inside because she found it too busy but she didn’t want to sit outside in the very peaceful courtyard because she is currently terrified of flying insects. It’s so hard not to feel frustrated as it limits your life in many ways & you can’t ever do anything spontaneous. But I have to remember that the environment so often isn’t very ND friendly so our kids get overwhelmed & can’t cope. They don’t want to feel or act the way they do. It’s very hard though. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Afraid I’ve gone home before now (when in the UK). If everyone is miserable, there is no point wasting money on meals out and day trips, even if you have to write of the costs of accommodation. If you go home you can at least go off for the day and leave him at home, get some last minute tickets to a show etc.

I find that the longer you ‘stick it out’ the more you resent them, the more power you’ve given them. When it happened last year, we just put the kids in the car and drove home no fuss. No conversation. But mentioned that it was the last holiday said child would be taken on.

They were very quiet and on the drive home (5hrs) and eventually apologised. They didn’t do it again this year (overseas holiday) as we made it clear we would put them on a flight home and they’d be picked up by their 82yo grandparents and stay there until we could be bothered to pick them up. Probably in September.

PS both DS and DD have ASD and ADHD (as to I, and it’s only ever older DD that is the issued).

Drown him.

Teenagers are absolute shit bags.

Do not show your fear. They can smell it. Face him out and get DH to do the same. If the aggression doesn't improve ask for help, otherwise he'll turn into a monster. Swallow your pride and speak to SS. They need you to tell them about this as if not checked it will get worse and needs specialist training to sort out.

Sometimes, love just isn't enough.

Sending you hugs.

Great idea. YouTube can also help with this.

Apologies if this doesn’t apply in your situation but my friend has a son with complex SEND and physical needs as well. As she gets money towards a carer that helps daily, this person is very familiar with him. For the first time this year the carer is going away with them for a weekend so she can stay with the one son whilst the rest of the family has the chance to enjoy activities they normally don’t do together.

they have used respite care for a weekend in the past but this is the first time paying a carer themselves to go away with them. Obviously this makes a getaway more expensive but works in their situation.

I am with @waterrat , I would be inclined to assume discipline, taking tech away etc is not only ineffective but actively unhelpful.

We have just had a tricky holiday with our ASD teens. A villa with its own pool worked well - prob not much help for you now. With a lot of antisocial time in their rooms we managed some nice evenings in with wine and games - mostly with them, sometimes without - and a few meals out. One or two big trips out which he was fine with after a couple of days of adjustments with no demands.

We major on holiday routine - we have a routine which is accepted as "normal for holiday" even though it's different to normal at home

However I also wanted to say that going home early has been a very positive thing for us I the past too. It felt like we were reclaiming our time. Personally I would give him a couple of days of no demands and see how things are first.

Where abouts are you?
we took our SN very hard to please DD to the local tourist information centre and picked up leaflets on places to visit, out of hundreds of places we managed to find one that she had a slight interest in 🤣