To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

Are any of the future trips one he is particularly keen on? If so would he respond to the logic that he needs to demonstrate he can behave appropriately on this holiday if he wants to go on that one.

Can you at least book yourself some nice things, like a massage or something?

My DS is slightly on the spectrum

The older he has become as a teenager the worse he's become on holiday

He realises how much he hates the heat so it takes him a few days to settle in

But he moans about everything. Really basic things

I had to keep running off from him and hiding at the beach or pool last year

Luckily he made friends through DD on holiday and was a bit more relaxed and they were all ok with his weird idiosyncrasies

I think you might be better off posting in the SN chat for advice.

Is he regulated while he is in the holiday accommodation, or is even that too much for him? If he's ok and happy to chill out there but just doesn't want to go out anywhere I'd probably stay, but totally reframe it in your mind as being a change of scenery rather than a proper holiday. If you take away the demands to go and do things he might begin to relax.

Maybe just head out separately to the shops and find something relaxing to occupy yourself - new books, craft supplies, puzzles, video games whatever you are into. Check out where does takeaway/delivery so you aren't having to cook. Take naps. See if there's anything interesting you can do solo nearby. Find a coffee place nearby so you can nip out for an hour together every so often.

My ASD kid is a bit younger but sounds similar. The normal parenting techniques just don't work and can end up making things worse.

If he's too dysregulated to even settle in the accommodation, I'd just go home. It's not worth the stress for him or you.

You’ve completely missed my point, Windsurfinf Dreams, which is that from DS’s perspective, everything in the current situation is a threat so he’s controlling what he can control (other people’s emotions mainly). Take the threat away and his stress will reduce and so will the control.

And I fundamentally disagree that we have to make a child’s home and family unsuitable for them so as to demonstrate to them that adult life may also be unsuitable for them. Get a grip.

if he refuses, smash it in front of him.
Bloody hell Kirsty Allsopp, calm down!

I think since you are there stay a couple more days and then go home if it hasn't got any better. Don't take him again.
Can you read for an hour? Then go out for an hour. Then your dh go out for an hour then the 3 of you have dinner together. So mix it up a bit.

Do we want autistic teens to lead lonely adult lives ? Or a life with a partner who has to indulge their every whim?

If not they need to learn to adapt and understand other people's needs too . Or it will be a lonely adulthood

I agree.

Such bizarre suggestions. I wouldn't even smash the devices of a NT child. Let alone one with autism.

Good grief. Get some help, if you have thoughts like this.

Yep take it in turns to go out. If you have a pool leave him in the room while you use it. I would tell him from now on he stays with grandparents if he doesn’t sort his behaviour out. I also have a neurodivergent teen. I feel your pain.

I agree with the one thing a day, or every other day and with involving him in the planning. To me, this would apply whether at home or away. Whilst he may be more overwhelmed by being away from home, to me it's not a viable option to stay in your room playing screen games for 6 weeks, and to remove any expectations to be social or do anything is going to make the transition back to school more difficult so I personally feel it's a battle you have to fight and set that boundary for the good of everyone even though its not going to be comfortable to do.

Tomorrow, go out and get some things to do in the holiday home that will be fun - a family board game, a couple of packs of cards (and perhaps some smarties to use as gambling chips/tokens to play newmarket, poker etc), yahtzee dice, an adult lego set, a 3-player cribbage board, a good jigsaw... something that you and your husband will enjoy together and that he will hear you having fun and might emerge from his room and participate. If you're going to be stuck there for most of the day, at least try and make it fun!

Good Lord.
I am currently waiting patiently for my DS (who is ND) to put his dirty plate in the dishwasher.
I know he wants me to help him with something and I asked him to do it.
I am frequently called abusive for expecting him to do small jobs round the house.
But you take the biscuit.

This sounds so difficult. I don't think you should go home. I understand he has additional needs which you always cater to, but that doesn't mean you should have to cut short a holiday because your son is being a bit of a nightmare (which btw many teens of that age can be even without additional needs).
My suggestion would be to let them get on with it as much as possible, as in don't let their mood become your mood too. Maybe find some activities you and your husband can do in your accommodation so you at least can have a bit of fun while indoors, but also don't totally restrict yourself to being indoors the entire time if possible.
Maybe get a pack of playing cards, or some board games, try create some holiday fun for you and hubby. And who knows, maybe your son will get involved too.
Use that hour you can leave him there to go for little walks, scenic drives or a quick drink together.
It might not be the holiday you expected and hoped for, but you can still find ways to find enjoyment there, even if your son is miserable the whole time, it doesn't mean you and hubby can't find little moments of joy in a very well deserved holiday.
I do hope things pick up for you and you can enjoy yourself.
Take a breather when you need. Maybe find a good book to get stuck into. Have a bubble bath and a large glass of wine. Try whatever you can do, to feel peaceful and restful. You deserve that, at the very minimum...

I’m currently on holiday with an autistic pre-teen. Like a lot of holidays I’ve been in tears with the sheer level of rudeness and controlling behaviour. I know it is anxiety driven, and we do a lot to try and bring the anxiety levels down but it doesn’t make it any easier for me. He loves holidays and gets excited by them still, but even then he is so hard work, so I can only imagine what it’s like when they no longer get excited about going.

I have reframed family holidays as primarily enriching experiences for him, that can be made just about tolerable for us, rather than anything that’s particularly holiday-like. DH and I do go and do stuff on our own and it can be nice but I resent having to do this so enjoy it less than I should.

I‘m not sure what the answer is, but I hear you and solidarity.

I have a now mid 20's AuDHD son who at this age was very similar.

Id go home. Cut my losses, the behaviour wont change. Its not something manageable, its not enjoyable for anyone. At home, he is in his safe space. Then i would try and make the most of the time at home. Once he is in his comfortable space, then look at ways to enjoy your time. Have a couple of day trips with the money you would have spent with him, book yourself into a hotel for a night and leave him with your husband and do what you want to do, let your husband do the same possibly. I used to do this, order take away for myself to the hotel, or room service, sit in the bar with a glass of wine, or sit in the room and just read in silence, or watch a movie, go for a walk somewhere alone, i tried to book hotels somewhere calm near water, but not ness expensive ones, it gives you a reset.

I stopped taking all my children on holiday because he couldnt handle them from when he was 13, when he turned 18 i started taking my younger children away and he stayed at home with my mum. I would give him something else like games or bike parts he wanted instead of the holidays. So everyone got something they wanted. But going away with him was impossible, unenjoyable, and not relaxing in the slightest when he turned in to a teenager. So we had to do things differently.

Is there something you could do on your own, ie could you go out tomorrow on your own leaving dh with ds and then the following day swap over and dh go out.

would ds understand a conversation about he is ruining it for you and dh and he was given the option to go to grandparents rather than come. It is not acceptable to ruin the holiday for everyone by speaking the way he is and refusing to do anything. You expect him to choose an activity for the next afternoon out of these options?

My son is AuDHD and I could have written this, sending hugs and support as it’s so so hard and really not possible for people without ND kids to grasp (as evidenced by a lot of the absolutely bonkers “advice” above!!). We have tried a few things that have worked:
-shorter trips (it’s less intense)
-taking GPs with us and having some additional capacity to allow opt in / opt out on some days so that there’s fewer expectations
-prep work in advance with DS: watching YouTube videos of the type of plane, the exact airport, looking at images and videos of the town and researching the local activities, researching the accommodation and looking at pics of it in advance etc so that the anxiety around the unfamiliarity is greatly reduced
-only self-catered accom so that I can cater to the very restricted dietary needs
-and I’m sad to say… coming home early on occasion. We’ve had to accept that sometimes he genuinely can’t cope, and the perseveration and anxiety manifests as anger and aggression. Autism is a disability and he can’t try his way out of it. It is immensely challenging for us all.

It’s so hard and I sincerely hope that if this break doesn’t work out, you’re able to arrange something that will .

This nails it

His needs have trumped everything his entire life. It's exhausting and upsetting but it's the hand you're dealt when you have a child with SEN

Not IME OP, and I've raised a lad with severe SEN

Obviously they differ, as does how their needs present, but I found that keeping fair boundaries offered him the security he needed and everyone else a reasonable life, whereas alllowing his needs to dictate absolutely everything helped nobody and least of all him

Again I can only speak for my own family, but it was precisely because DS "couldn't join the dots" that he needed that guidance, and he now lives in his own home with carer support and is happily doing brilliantly

…tell me you’ve never dealt with a ND child, without telling me you’ve never dealt with a ND child.

Taking “electronics” away doesn’t work .. it makes a bad situation worse.

Bit late for this year & only you know his boundaries but have you looked at holiday camps for children with SENs? Look at as safe independence experience & a respite break for you & DH

That is totally inappropriate and counter productive for an SEN/ND child - that would result in a total meltdown and really make matters worse. For some kids, the screen time IS the coping strategy that lets them deal with being out there in teh world, sitting at a restaurant table, staying put on the bus or train.

Don't go home

My 15 year old was horrible on holiday last week

I just ignored it as best I could and tried to still have a good time with the other dc and my H

If she didn't want to come to stuff I didn't make her I just left her at the accommodation

It’s tough … my ASD teen is 18 now, and things are certainly easier than they used to be.

When we go on hols now (as of last summer), we go out and leave her. I think sometimes it about having that as an option .. if they know they “can” then sometimes they don’t want to.

We have a thing where, we go, and when she has had enough, we go home. Again, since we started to have that as an option, she stays out longer .. because she knows she can go home if needed.

She always had a thing about being stuck somewhere, feeling anxious, then melting down in front of someone.

Even now.. we had a family wedding a few months ago, and she went sitting in the car after the meal.

Taking the fight out of it is the key “we are doing X tomorrow, would you like to come” and if the answer is “no”, leave him .. he’ll be fine .. if you are really worried, go somewhere really nearby and keep your eye on your phone.