DM not acknowledging she did have a disabled DC

I think not understanding and asking questions is fine. What isn’t fine is the attitude of ‘I don’t understand it therefore i don’t believe it’ that autistic people often encounter when we describe things we find challenging.

Not the op (and whilst I’m autistic, i don’t have difficulty with personal care / hygiene). But the difficulty is often a combination of sensory (aversion to water, smells of cleansing products, taste and feel of toothpaste etc being absolutely unbearable to someone), processing differences (transitions between tasks being very difficult to navigate, sense of time being different and not realising how long it’s been since the last wash), difficulties with interoception (awareness of bodily sensations, not knowing when we’re hungry, thirsty, hot, tired, smelly) and difficulty with sequencing tasks (not being able to navigate the steps involved and the order in which we need to do them. These tasks are cognitively complex).

I suppose though if you asked many parents what their experiences parenting a disabled child are... Sadly a lot would centre around challenge, fighting for school support, in some cases the diagnosis itself, having to leave your job, money worries, 24/7 care, fears around the future, road safety, changing nappies and navigating the health are system and the absolute exhaustion.

If your mum didn't do any of this then perhaps she doesn't connect you as being disabled. (Not excusing... Just trying to understand)

No that's not what I am doing. I am just trying to understand the situation because I am finding ops posts hard to follow and I expect her mum is being unreasonable because how can she not see how much op struggles with daily life?

One thing I can't get my head around (perhaps unsurprisingly, as I’m not autistic!) is that you seem to have a good understanding of what social norms are: I.e., you're aware that people "should" brush their teeth/shower regularly, or that conversation involves back and forth between two people. I'd be really interested to understand (if it's something that it's possible to explain) how one can have such a clear awareness of these norms and not be able to follow them. Perhaps less so the social stuff, because that can be a minefield even for NT people, but certainly the stuff like showering etc.

Not in any way trying to be goady, and I apologise if this comes across as insensitive, but I’m genuinely interested to understand what the stumbling blocks are with these sorts of things!

Yeah I think it would’ve made a huge difference to his life. It was just brushed under the carpet that he was problematic. He now has a drug and drink problem at a guess I’d say self medicating. My childhood was awful as he was violent towards me both physically and verbally so yes it would’ve made a huge difference to our whole family

Could it though? Because what I keep seeing on these threads ( and if I’m not wrong even in this one above somewhere) is that little can really be done to help beyond acknowledging.

She sounds like my Mum, my brother is clearly autistic and she has held up back so much in his life. Very sad as a 50 year old as his life could’ve been so different

@CassandraWeb you seem to be trying to catch the OP out. If you think they are not a genuine poster, report them.

Op has said she thinks her mum is ND. And that she forgives her for that reason. But I think she is wanting acknowledgement of the fact some of her traits were tied to her diagnosis. I think it’s not impossible that her mum might think that but that they are both tripping up on definitions and concepts of disability.

Might mummy be ND and not mythical TV-mum?

Op I can really hear the hurt in this post.

I can see you ( understandably) want to feel your mum acknowledges that none of these negative traits were your fault in the sense that you were just doing them on purpose or because you didn’t care enough to stop. I’m wondering, would it help to stop worrying about defining disability and just ask her directly if she now understands how and why you behaved the way you did? As this thread has shown, attempts to define the terms can be a distraction.

In a previous post you said you were living back at home?

I think you are not following what I am saying - which is almost the same thing as you. There are NT contexts where it is very disabling. Contexts where those sorts of skills you allude to are valued.

This post is really offensive. Autism isn’t an intellectual disability, feeling a ‘bit disabled’ because you process information in a typical way isn’t ‘disabling’ compared to being in a class of ND people. Being in education is the biggest mask of autism, it’s once they leave that the same parents who ‘don’t think their children are disabled by their autism’ are then shocked when said adult children have breakdowns in their working/home lives.Depression, anxiety, unable to meet self care needs, not paying the bills, houses unkempt, not being able to hold relationships or their spouses leaving them due to being unable to live with their difficulties. ‘But you coped fine at school! But you’re so clever!’ are lines used like it’s the autistic persons fault for not being able to manage day to day life.

I have two children diagnosed with ASD. Both incredibly academic, both at different schools. The one at the school who support his autism needs over academic expectations is the one who’s thriving. Downplaying ASD needs because a person is academic or has other high abilities is a one way ticket to a breakdown later in life.

Until 1994 you had to have an intellectual disability in order to receive a diagnosis of autism. If you were of normal intelligence you couldn’t be autistic. So that’s why your mum thinks autism = non verbal, because that’s what everyone including all the doctors thought until 30 years ago. A lot of older people still think that’s the case.

You'd be surprised how many people think like this. I have a quite severe physical disability and a high flying career but so often on Mumsnet (and elsewhere) you would think that "disabled" is interchangeable with "not working and living on benefits"

To get a diagnosis, it has to be disabling.

I am in a "high flying career" and my autism is definitely disabling. Just because you don't see how people struggle doesn't mean they are not struggling.

Many blind people or people in wheelchairs have high flying careers too but you wouldn't dream of going about saying they're not disabled would you?

Perhaps the children are her DPs? But even so I am confused as DP is her full time carer, and they cohabit but she lives with her parents? Do the children live with your parents too op? Presumably if you struggle with even brushing your own teeth your parents must end up helping out with childcare? I don't see how they can fail to miss how disabled you are or what an impact it has had if they are supporting two extra adults and their children? Your mum must have some real cognitive dissonance going on

Oh no wait a minute you said you cohabit with your partner purely "to pay two rents instead of one" but elsewhere you said you have had to move back in with your parents? Or does your partner live with your parents too now?

OP you mentioned childcare earlier. That's another thing I honestly don't understand when you talk about the extreme sensory issues you have. You say you have meltdowns if your sensory needs are not met. I don't understand how you ever coped (or thought you'd cope) with pregnancy, childbirth, the medical procedures and ante-natal processes and then the relentless sensory overload of child rearing itself. If you can't cope with simple things like taking a bath or cleaning your teeth and need to be prompted to do the most basic self care and hygiene tasks then how on earth do you bath a baby, change nappies and deal with a clingy, screaming fractious infant?

You are here complaining about your mother's lack of empathy for you and your needs, but I think this is going to come full circle for your own children. I imagine they are going to have some serious issues of their own, frankly. I think perhaps instead of focusing your own mother's perceived shortcomings, you accept that no parent is perfect but we all do our best given our own quirks and (sometimes quite significant) limitations.