DM not acknowledging she did have a disabled DC

This is what I thought.

You are aware that people are affected differently aren't you? My friend with a son the same age with an autism diagnosis needs another adult with her when she takes her son out, he's so vulnerable and will run off into the road and has zero concept of danger at all. A work colleague of my sons also.has autism and doesn't need additional support in his day to day tasks.

I'm not missing any point. Please don't tell me what I'm diminishing you have no idea what you are talking about. This was OPs question:

AIBU that if you have an autistic child you are a mum of a disabled child?

I disagree with that as a parent with an artistic child who doesn't need any physical support or any support for that matter. He has autism, diagnosed when he was child so it helps us all understand why he sees things in a certain way or needs his routine to be a certain way. He needs no support with that.

My child's situation doesn't compare to OPs, OP needs support my son doesn't. It doesn't mean he is not autistic.

I understand. I have a dh who has autism (Aspergers syndrome) and 4 sons who have it too (and 1 who has dyspraxia like me). Dh and the dc are all very different. 4 of them have insomnia. 3 of them can't cope with change. 4 of them have meltdowns. 2 have shutdowns. Dh and I both have disabilities but different ones so together we are 1 capable person. My MIL doesn't listen to me when I say she can't do something as it causes dh to shut down. Or if I say please don't hug ds2, he is a sensory avoider.

In my school in the 90's it was mainly the disruptive kids who got help and everyone else had to sink or swim. Having a child with a disability was shameful and avoiding a diagnosis was common. I remember parents of children with conditions like hearing loss, cystic fibrosis and brittle bone disease having to fight to keep their child in mainstream school. Totally different to now when parents are having to fight to get their non verbal and incontinent autistic children into special needs school.

Every individual is different.

One of my children is autistic. I definitely do not view her as disabled. I see her as someone's whose brain is wired to see the world different. She had an incredible gift for dance, music and maths and sees the world very much through these mechanisms in patterns and rhythms. Whose to say her way is wrong and mine right? Some of the smartest and richest people in the world are autistic. I doubt many of them see themselves as disabled.

I am not saying she doesn't struggle with certain situations. But she is not disabled. Differently abled.

But as I say, everyone is different and autism often comes with a dual diagnosis too which can have an impact.

One of my daughters friends is non-verbal and has learning disability as well, I imagine she may have more difficulties.

My point is, yes, you may be disabled. But I don't think it is right to apply a blanket rule that all autistic people are disabled. I feel that is an old fashioned view.

I suspect to your mother is simply uneducated in it, and to her, a disability is the view as someone who struggles physically as opposed to mentally. It is not necessarily her dismissing that you had any struggles.

I hope that helps perhaps out a different perspective on it?

I think you are missing the point a disability does not mean only physical - are you the same age as OP’s mum? If your child has not needed any adjustments in school, count yourself lucky but please do not diminish the experience of others, incl the OP.

in fact if your child has needed no accommodations or adjustments how did he get the diagnosis? Someone somewhere must have noticed something different about your son?

I think a lot of people still think of disability as physical impairment.

Yeah I've always wondered this too. I often come across autistic young people on reddit and places who say they've never had a relationship, hell a lot haven't ever even had a friendship, they have no idea how to interact socially. Then you have all the people on the spectrum on MN married with kids, when autism manifests itself in struggling with social relationships. I do wonder how they are so different to the young people on other forums really struggling with this. Who think they'll never be able to be in a relationship and blame it completely on their autism (and resent having it a lot from what I can tell) I don't understand how you can just "fall" into a marriage and have a child. Relationships are hard even for NT people.

Also depends whether they view disabled as a negative label.

Your not unreasonable to think that, Autism is a disability. However, as you was diagnosed as an adult, your mum didn't realise you had additional needs a child and doesn't provide you with care now her reality is that she hasn't had the experience of being a parent to a disabled child.

My dd was diagnosed with ASD (Asperger's) at 14.
I don't consider myself the mother of a disabled child and she doesn't think of herself as disabled either.

Not sure your children will thank you for labelling them disabled. It so much depends where on the spectrum they are.

Agree with this. I just want to be seen as normal. That's all I've ever wanted. But people see the wheelchair first. It absolutely fucking sucks.

My son is 16 and autistic - he was diagnosed when he was 8 (aspergers syndrome) as it was then. But I would never think of him or use the term disabled. He was head boy at school and holds a job down but if his routine gets messed up he will shout scream and swear in public - school and work are a breeze for him as they are very rigid and he loves people. I thought disabled was an old fashioned term used to describe autism. Especially as now if you have ASD it is not classed as a disability so you don't qualify for a free bus pass. 5 years ago it was classed as a disability as you were able to get a free bus pass. BUT I can see the confusion as ASD can also mean non verbal, no bladder control and not able to function without a carer and these people would be classed disabled which is very confusing

This is us too. DS reckons he has ADHD and is trying to get tested. If he does, it wasn't obvious when he was a child (other than perhaps being a bit dreamy/scatty).
I've never thought of myself as a parent of a child with disabilities, but maybe I need to start now so thank you for the prompt OP.

Exactly this I'm technically disabled physically and mentally but I never use the term unless it's to do with benefits. I don't see myself as disabled and I don't expect others to either. Yes my life might be harder in some ways but everyone's life is hard. My issues are my problem and I don't want to be that person posting on Facebook about my diagnosises or hospital appointments just for others to be like you ok hun pm me. People know I'm different they can tell that within minutes of meeting me but it doesn't need to be advertised as everyone is different in their own way. Certain people seem to think people who are NT or not disabled have perfect lives and don't face these struggles and it's just not true. Whenever these posts arise and people start listing the struggles they face, their actually really common things that most people struggle with but others aren't aware of as you don't see their day to day lives and what happens behind closed doors.

Based on your post I’d say she sees YOU and not your diagnosis. Which is how most people would prefer it.

That was my reaction, too.

I bet it's this.

You WANT to be labelled as 'disabled'? Well, yes, obviously you do for the purposes of claiming support. But your mother sees you as normal.

I suspect that if you heard her referring to you as 'disabled' you'd swing round to objecting to THAT term!

Even more irritating are those expressing faux shock and confusion about her having high support needs now but not being diagnosed as a child...seriously, just say you don't believe her, your "I'm so confused, OP.." "gosh that's really surprising, how unusual" shtick isn't fooling anyone.

Not faux in my case. I'm autistic and have autistic friends and family and it does genuinely surprise me.

It's really disappointing that so many posters are reacting to the OP with suspicion rather than acknowledging that she's a vulnerable person who feels rejected by her DM. Picking apart her posts, asking for a list of her symptoms and interrogating her about her specific care needs, even questioning how she can possibly have managed to get a boyfriend is all completely unnecessary. Even more irritating are those expressing faux shock and confusion about her having high support needs now but not being diagnosed as a child...seriously, just say you don't believe her, your "I'm so confused, OP.." "gosh that's really surprising, how unusual" shtick isn't fooling anyone.

I think many of the responses on this thread are proof that OP's DM's dismissive attitude towards Autism isn't just "a generational thing". Sadly it's much more widespread than that.

OP, I'm sorry your Mum doesn't get it. I can understand why comments like that would feel really invalidating. Of course its not unreasonable to want to feel seen and understood by your own family. As a previous poster said, you may get more helpful responses on an ND specific forum.

Autistic people often marry autistic people. So the conversational norms and ways of communicating are different. We also often have autistic children. Whole families of neurodivergent people are common.