DM not acknowledging she did have a disabled DC

I'm and autistic woman. Communication with men, particularly on a romantic level, or other autistic people is a lot easier than with nerotypical women. Men tend to be more interested in making women laugh, physical affection and then deep and meaningful conversation as the relationship progresses. That's easier than the small talk and than the riddles that some NT women use, they can say the opposite of what they mean or allude to things that autistic people really struggle to understand.
The other thing with romantic relationships is there is an emotional connection, like a biological drive. I'm not sure if NT pick up on these vibes. I suppose it may be like how you can bond with babies and children even when they don't speak, there is just something that connects you and it doesn't need lots of verbal communication to build that relationship. However, as it builds you can start to feel more comfortable with that person and be able to communicate in a way that you couldn't manage with others.

Adults that were late diagnosed as being ND will have been masking all their lives.
That can take a huge toll, and as they get older they find that they struggle to cope more with the demands of life.
My DP is autistic (diagnosed in his late 40s).. he is now in his 50s and finding life harder to deal with.
Plus, things like anxiety can strike at any age. If severe, it would require someone to care for you.

It still indicates very high needs. My dgm has alzheimers and her husband works part time.

Those confused about the carer aspect. Her partner gave up work to be it, there is not outside care coming into the house

It's disappointing, but she obviously doesn't equate your Lardner giving up work to help you, as you needing a carer, and her definition of disability is someone with physical needs. You won't be able to change her opinion, and she isn't interested in your armchair diagnosis because you got one as an adult, so either you need to steer conversation away from this as a topic, or decide if you can keep having a relati9nship with her.

I wouldn't know. I have never tried to claim disability benefits or anything. I'm disadvantaged compared to others with my intellectual ability and education, I'd say, but not compared to an average person.

I think the difference here is whether you would be considered disabled in the eyes of the law. The Equality Act 2010 provides for people who satisfy the Acts’ definition of disabled, to be able to live their lives with the same life chances and other opportunities as non disabled peers, and not be disadvantaged by disability. As long as you feel you’re not similarly disadvantaged then have at it - more power to your elbow !!

Why shouldn’t it be cured if possible ? Genuine question.

Pleased into make inflammatory statements then that autism should not be cured. It is extremely offensive.

I’m not here to argue with parents of profoundly disabled children or enter into disability top trumps. But you know nothing about me or my life so please don’t make assumptions.

As I said earlier, I don’t think anyone should be telling another person how to define themselves.

WaitingforMojo
I would take a cure anyway for my profoundly autistic children - one of whom needs three to one care all the time and has suffered hugely as has the whole family. I think therein lies the difference.

YABU. Don’t know how you can make it through to adulthood then suddenly need your partner with you full time to care you. Your mum was right it’s COMPLETELY different to having a profoundly disabled child with round the clock physical care needs.

So I'm still autistic but I am not disabled.

I don’t believe that autism can, or should be cured.

I'm not a disabled person. I, personally, might identify as disabled if I was an average person with a disabling deficit in one area. My profile is just spiky in an unusual pattern compared to the NT population. I think differently but I am not disabled. Perhaps I had to be disabled at the time of my childhood diagnosis but unless you believe autism can be cured then I am still autistic.

I find a lot of people don't realise how disabled my 18 year old is by his autism. He doesn't scream, stim, lick the walls, eat paper straws or try and hug random people like my 10 year old does. But when you look at him, or in photos, he has this confused look on his face, a bit like he is somewhere where everyone else is speaking French really fast and he only knows a few phrases. He doesn't look autistic but on the inside he is struggling.

I actually find that quite offensive.

I know my DS, you don't. I know what his difficulties are and what they aren't. Your experience isn't the experience of every autistic person or every disabled person.

It's nothing to do with it being shameful. Go back to the definition. "A substantial and long term negative impact". My own disability could absolutely be be described that way but I have adjusted my life so that it doesn't impact as much, I don't feel it is having a negative impact at the moment (there are certainly times when it has) therefore I don't identify at the moment as disabled. DS is a happy and content child, if you asked him if his autism was having a substantial negative impact he would be baffled. Challenges at times, yes, substantial negative impact no.

Could that change in future? Absolutely.

It's not cognitive dissonance, but recognising that the disability is as much about the impact as the condition / symptoms etc. and impact can be mitigated.

I’m AuDHD. I do identify as having a hidden disability. I also see neurodivergence as difference rather than deficit. For me, they are not mutually exclusive statements. Others with the same conditions don’t identify themselves as disabled even though the Equality Act applies to them. That’s also ok.

I don’t think we should be telling each other how to describe ourselves.

How is that different from any other disabled person?

People seem to find the 'disabled' tag shameful, maybe explains some of DM's actions/words?

It's not a term I identify with, I have different abilities not a lack of ability. Strengths and weaknesses, like everyone does. Just atypical to the norm.

I don't disagree, I said earlier in the thread, DS is technically disabled (by equality act criteria / societal standards etc.) as am I in different ways.

It's just not how I would usually think of him. My point was that that's not about me discriminating against my child by denying he has disability. It's just that you can meet the criteria but not feel disabled. Me insisting he is disabled despite how he feels about it (currently) wouldn't be particularly helpful to him.

that for DS, his needs are met, he doesn't feel disabled because he is enabled to live in a way that works for him

That’s exactly the point of the Equality Act though. The definition is there for clarity whether people feel disabled or not. A lot of disabled people are really only disabled by what society imposes on them as the norm, and as you’ve said here, if you can find a work around that enables you to live the way you want, that’s great.

You can be disabled by the standards of the equality act and not feel disabled though.

DS, who I mentioned earlier, has never had a friend, he spends every play time at school on his own. People might consider that to be impaired social functioning.

DS does not. Over the years, he has been offered opportunities to play with other children, chances to talk about how he feels about it by various people, he is very clear, he likes to play on his own, he likes to have time at play time to spin (to meet his sensory needs). He is happy and content. His needs don't fit with the expectations of "normal" but I don't think he feels disabled by that as long as no one makes him feel that way.

There are lots of clothes DS won't wear because of how they feel and lots of foods he won't eat. That's fine, he gets clothes he likes and food he likes. I don't think he feels disabled by this any more than I feel disabled by hating mushy peas. We just accept it and accommodate it.

I could continue listing things but I think my point really is that for DS, his needs are met, he doesn't feel disabled because he is enabled to live in a way that works for him. This may well change over time and maybe as an adult he will feel differently, I can't say.