DM not acknowledging she did have a disabled DC

Sounds like you might be autistic too.

Look, to your mother’s generation ‘disability’ likely means a wheelchair, missing limb or Down’s. Trying to impose modern standards on a flippant remark and then judging her and feeling sad about it is such a waste of energy. If you’re independent and broadly okay in life, I can see why she said what she did.

I think yabu I kind of see where your mum is coming from and I'm saying that as someone on high rate pip so technically disabled but not a word i would use.There are different levels of disability. I think what your mum is talking about is she wouldn't of coped raising a child who couldn't walk, talk, feed themselves and will be in nappies for life. That is significantly different to raising a child who has challenges but for the most part is capable and self sufficient which you've proven to be by not getting the diagnosis until later in life and living independently.

Literally a common symptom of autism - little or no ability to see things from another’s perspective.

It in no way surprised me that your autistic mother totally neglected your problems as a child, and is still completely unable to understand you.
I have an autistic mother and she is the same.
I have nothing to do with her now. Life got a lot easier when I realised she can never be an actual mother.

I am on the highest care component of PIP and have a full time carer.

I must admit this is a bit confusing, as you sound quite profoundly disabled and your mum hasn't noticed at all?

Maybe it is shame she did not realise or maybe it is because she never saw you as 'different' or maybe it is because shes like my mother and a complete arsehole and needs to show a perfect life to everyone.

For context I am late forties, own career, home, raise a child alone. I do everything and have excelled at most things. I got my diagnosis last year. She rang my childs school to tell them I have special needs and can 'no longer' care for my teenaged child. In her case it is because somehow the attention was not on her and this is what she did. I have not spoken to her since. Takes all sorts of minds.

But surely the category for disability is huge. I'm in a support group for parents of disabled children and the difference in their needs is stark.

What support did you need as a child?

I’m trying to understand. Would you mind describing your symptoms.

I was thinking that maybe you had to mask so much that she was able to turn a blind eye.

Did she never see your symptoms?

So everyone in OPs life failed her until adulthood then, if not a single teacher or relative or friend picked up on such a severe disability that means she cannot function as an adult without assistance

*She said she couldn't have coped with a disabled child and how hard it must be when they need lifelong care.

…

I did have obvious additional needs as a child which were unmet both at home and in school.*

But from her experience, being a parent was nothing like the woman she saw and commented on. She didn’t cope with a disabled child (because your needs were unmet) and she hasn’t had to delivery lifelong care (because you have state support).

So actually, it’s not odd that she sees the two scenarios differently.

2 difficulties here:

Autism (and adhd etc) was not known as it is today. For many people even now, autistic = very extreme cases on the spectrum.

The difficulties as a parent are not even comparable depending on the severity.
I have a son with high funct autism. Yes, he has frequent meltdowns during which he often screams, throws things at me etc. I spend hours researching on autism/how to handle things/advocate for him. I struggle with balancing his needs vs his siblings etc
BUT I know he will lead a ‘normal’ life (work, live independently, create a family), he is in mainstream school, has friends, etc

I just think she meant a signify physical disability.

Diagnosis didn't lead to any help when I was diagnosed. Only lead to my dm trying to correct me for everything I did wrong to try to make me normal. More than she did before the diagnosis. It led to more distress and burnout, I think, than if I hadn't been diagnosed.

Based on your post I’d say she sees YOU and not your diagnosis. Which is how most people would prefer it.

Sorry op, but I think that Temu is right. Not all disabilities are of equal severity, and there are different experiences. Your mum cannot imagine having a seriously disabled child who would be fully dependent for life.

Sadly for those of us who are late diagnosed we usually require higher levels of care in adulthood than childhood as we've reached burnout point from the thousands, and I genuinely mean thousands of traumatic instances we've had to put up with especially with not getting our needs met.

Autism burnout is different to say, stress burnout and you experience skill regression and cognitive impairment. Some of these skills never return.

It's really sad because if our needs had been recognised as a child, we may be living as more independent adults now and would ultimately cost the taxpayer less as we wouldn't need the higher rate care components on our disability benefits.

My DS has autism. While technically I am the mother of a disabled child (and also technically disabled myself), in the same way I am technically a carer, neither are ways I would ever really think of myself. DS is just my DS. He is his perfect self. I support his needs as an individual, as I did for my NT DD. His needs are different to hers but they would be even if he was NT too.

I have been sectioned many times, and whenever my mum visits me - she is "is hospital for people who can't handle life?"
Total denial.
I am looking into being assessed for ADHD/ASD, and the fact you need parietal input fills me with dread.. they will be "yes, she is just fucking lazy and unmotivated."

Interestingly when my children were young autism and other neuro disabilities were rarely spoken about. One adult child has recently self diagnosed as ADHD and says it explains so much of how she felt/feels in being different from others. She did fine at school and university and her differences were never picked up.

I had no idea at all that she felt different. The OPs mother probably also didn't know. Remember too that neuro diverse girls and women are very good at masking their differences.

I did have obvious additional needs as a child which were unmet both at home and in school. These needs have continued into adulthood. I am on the highest care component of PIP and have a full time carer.

What?!! Wow. I am stunned at this. Your autism is significant enough for you to have a full time carer now but nobody picked up on your additional needs as a child?

That's appalling. And it sounds like your mother is trying to gaslight you. What on earth...? It's unbelievable.

Also she was referring to having to physically push someone in a wheelchair? I need a wheelchair but am saving up for an electronic one because I just think it's such a huge burden to have to physically push someone around and I really admire the people who do this.

Have your needs worsened as an adult or did you need full time care in your teenage years?

One of my Dds has an autistic child. In no way whatsoever does she consider her child disabled! He is different, that is all.
It is highly likely that another adult child of my own is autistic judging by their behavioural traits but there has been no official diagnosis as yet, and there may never be.
For goodness sake, give your mother a break.

It could also be because its not a visible illness (ie someone in a wheelchair) she doesn't recognise it??? I'm sorry you are having a rough time.