Ex and his stepchildren

I can’t understand all the PP saying your DD is spoilt or trying to call all the shots. She wants to spend time with her dad alone.

She’s not being unreasonable.

It sounds like the step mum doesn’t want them having alone time TBH. This is probably why DR gets sneaked visits at the door. This happened to me. I never had any time alone with my dad since the new woman came on the scene when I was about 11/12. Not so much as a dinner. Because it wasn’t fair on the new woman!!!!

Ooh…tell a lie…we went on a week long holiday. SM threw an enormous fit when dad got back and I was never taken on holiday again. I know about the fit because I was warned not to talk about the holiday when I next saw him because it upset her.

Like every other poster who experienced this as a child, I have virtually no relationship with my father now.

Of course @CrispyDosa should go and collect DD when she asks.

She has already learned that one parent is unreliable, lies, and is incapable of considering her needs.

I would have absolutely loved it. 12 days with my lovely dad would have been heaven.

He sounds like quite an uncaring man choosing not to see his daughter for 9 months.

So don’t pick her up, let her have the alone time she has got albeit reduced and try to come to a solution with dad and agree a united front on his return.

is she unsafe in his care? Is she going to die if she has to see her step family? If the answers no, let it ride out. Who knows maybe after she finishes sulking she might actually have a great time when the option of home is removed. Don’t deny the chance of a change.

I don’t disagree with you that she should have 1 on 1 time OP, but she will also have to accept she has step family now too. Find a compromise with her and her dad. From what you’ve said her dad would be open to it.

by all means express disappointment with your ex that he moved the goal posts (lied) away from your daughter and explain why you think this isn’t helpful.

he doesn’t sound like an unreasonable uncaring man, surely you can have a adult conversation with him and find a way for everyone to make it work

The op doesn't get to call the shots. If she was more supportive of the idea dd would i bet . What dd her age would want 12 days alone with their df? She could make some new friends and have fun instead..

Why doesn't his daughter get to 'call the shots' at least some of the time though, why is it always him or the step dc. I have a stepson and we have always been so careful to carve out alone time for him and his dad. He doesn't get to live with him and my kids do! My kids are biologically his too and it's still important.

I do see it as spoilt and I don’t expect you to because she’s your daughter and why would you. But she is getting what she’s asked for and it’s still not good enough for her, rather than talking to her about well you have got some time, dad does have other people who share his life etc etc you just whisk her away.

you asked for opinions I don’t think it’s the answer.

how about you don’t pick her up because she has got what she asked for, when she returns you ask dad for a chat and you tell him you want him to have a relationship with Alice and whilst you appreciate he does have another family, if he could agree to some one on one time an evening a week or a Sunday which isn’t his contact time, it would really help with Alice’s feelings. In return you will ensure his contact time is met and Alice does come and you will talk to her to understand dad loves her but he does also have another family too which is part of your life.

it seems you just want him to cut off his second family and only see your daughter because it’s what she wants. That’s unreasonable.

work together on this or he may well take you to court and Alice will go to her dads whether she likes it or not. Do you wanna do it gently or by force basically

In his time you don't get to call the shots.
Maybe supporting dd in getting to know the dc may be a better plan.

My ex was like this, only he didn't sirens any time at all ever with just our DC. He wouldn't even come and pick them up without at least one of his step children being in the car. Apparently it wasn't fair on them to be told no to spending time with him. But it was ok to say no to our DC.

10ish years later and they have no relationship with him what so ever. Totally his doing.

They'd have loved 5 days holiday and wouldn't have minded the others joining them for the second week. But that never happened.

He’s pushing her away, it means she won’t go with him next holiday and that’s his loss.

I agree. If he devoted some time to the daughter he abandoned, and didn’t rub her face in it turning up with a random kid in tow, she’d probably want to make more effort.

Your ex is a weak knob. He’s married and taken on her kids and treating them better than his own DD. He’s coming over to your house without his wife’s knowledge. It looks like his new wife wants to play happy families with your DD.

Have a long chat with your DD and ask her what she wants to do, then let your Ex know.

DD doesn’t want to see you for a while, she’s upset that you have remarried and taken on another family.

DD wants to see you alone. Are you prepared to do this?

Visions of...WTAF.

Okay - I'm out. You are determined to damage your child. Cool - you go get her, make her feel her dad doesn't love her, and watch that play out for the next couple of decades.

You are letting her down badly OP. But whatever, you won't hear it.

Can you stop off somewhere with DD? Stay at a Premier Inn or something?

My ex was like this. The DC were never able to see him without new partner and her DC.

They see him about once every 18 months now.

His loss.

OP - you probably have huge power here. A simple "your dad loves you, he has made an effort to spend time with you, please make an effort with your step family" message and I'm sure we would have a much happier child. If everyone was putting her first.

She also doesn't deserve a mother alienating her from her father who - based on OP's comments - appears to have been attempting contact throughout the nine months. Many fathers wouldn't.

I do have to wonder how much OP has encouraged her daughter or how much she has enjoyed "protecting" her daughter from developing an emotionally healthy relationship with her father's new wife.

She also needs to learn that I want don’t get. Sadly she has been wanting and getting! I don’t think she’s been “gaslit” she was promised alone time, she’ll still getting it but for reasons unknown the plans have changed and her alone time is reduced by 4 days so that her dad can also see his other family because both are equally important

I completely disagree with posters saying to leave them to it. Your daughter has been gaslighted and lied to by her own dad. She needs her mum to stick up for her and tell her that she deserves honesty and for her needs to be treated with respect. She does not need her mum to teach her that it is ok for a man to say one thing and do another, especially when it means your dd holidaying with people she doesn’t want to be around.

Firstly - drip drip, OP.

However, would you have supported him if he has said 5 days alone the rest with the family?

But also - "a few minutes at the door"? What does this mean? That he has consistently been turning up to try and see his child but she has been refusing to go?

He hasn’t seen her because she’s been spoilt and you’ve said ok darling rather than no, go and see your dad. She’s getting some alone time, compromise, let her learn it