Ex and his stepchildren

I stopped speak to my dad for a very long time over this ( 7 years I think)

Even when he rang me up he would struggle to talk about anything so defaulted to speaking about his step daughter and what she had been up to.

Your dd dad is actually a very very weak man.

I’d go and get her, tell her that his inability to carve out time AND unable to keep his word
is not a reflection on her - it’s down to him.

Its not ok for her to grow up thinking it’s ok to accept crumbs of her dad as it will follow through to her relationships with men.

Let her have space away from him if she wants,

I eventually let my dad back in my life about 2 years ago and he works very hard at being there for me now. Before it was all about how he was feeling and what he could do to make his life easier

You said she got what she asked for and that’s still not good enough for her. I’m pointing out that she did not get what she asked for, and she is not ‘spoilt’ as you put it. She is a 12 year old girl who is struggling with the fact that her dad has moved on and joined a new family.

Did you completely miss the bit where I fully agreed and said talk to the dad when he returns and say more one on one time is needed? I agree with this fully. I don’t however agree a 90 mile trip to pick her up when she’s not unsafe or in danger is the right thing to do. She’s there now, alone with dad, the pick up, if mum really insists should wait until steps arrive and I’d even wait a couple days after as sometimes having to get on with something makes a difference. I don’t know how old the step kids are but they may be of an age where actually they may get on when avoiding isn’t an option.

i said compromise is needed from everyone. Dad does need to see her one on one, he has been visiting consistently although it seems for short spells and now 5 days dad daughter time ( I also said address the fact the 12 days turned to 5) mum needs to help encourage DD to see dad alone and with the steps and DD needs to accept steps ain’t going anywhere and whilst seeing her dad one on one is fine and reasonable refusing to see steps is not reasonable.

lastly I’m not entirely sure that after 9 months of no substantial contact and door step visits 12 days was ever going to work even if the steps weren’t involved and I guarantee in that scenario mum would go running still. That’s why I think it’s spoilt behaviour. If she suddenly starts developing a dislike for science will it ok don’t go in on Tuesdays? No course not. Life has elements we don’t like / enjoy but have to get on with it.

I don’t fully trust mums word on this matter I think there’s a lot of anger on how he treated her (understandably) if we just go on mums word, sounds like he did a miserable job to blend but I wonder if dad would tell a different story.

we were asked for opinions, I gave mine, please or offend.

I think you need to let DD and exH sort it out and not get too involved.

on the one hand, he has other people in his family now so DD needs to adjust. But it’s hard so he needs to be empathetic.

however, it is important to get time together. DH and I make efforts for each of us to get 1:1 time with each of our DC. It’s not unreasonable for him to have a bit of time with DD.

She didn’t get what she wanted, dad promised 12 days alone time with her then drops the news that his new wife and step children are coming after 5 days. She clearly doesn’t want a relationship with them, he shouldn’t be trying to force it. He surely can allocate some alone time to spend with his daughter, even a few hours at the weekend or something, the child isn’t asking for much.

Thank goodness for some of the later posts! My jaw was on the floor reading through the first tranche of the replies calling your dd spoilt and blaming you for destroying the relationship between her and her father. Nope. He's doing that all on his own. Go pick her up. He lied. He's putting his dick before his child and that is shit behaviour.

It's all about balance though isn't it.
Should my ex have spent time with our DC without his step DC there? Yes of course.
Should've they all have been encouraged to spend time together as a family as well? Yes.

Are you serious?.
He has one blood child that he can't so much as spend 20 minutes in a car with ALONE.
His daughter doesn't want to see him if he can't be arsed to give her that.
They are his step children that he LIVES with, yet he can't find the bare minimum of one on one with the child he left behind.
He's a disgrace.
I am a huge supporter of SM.
But these are NOT shared children.
He is a dead beat that he cannot even carve a couple of hours a week for his only blood child.
This is not on the step mother, this is 100% on him for not doing what his daughter has asked, for some one on one time together.

He's a weak selfish loser.

I have been in your daughters situation, albeit a few years older.

She is not spoilt or bratty and shame on the posters who have tried to claim this.

She is a 12 year old who desperately wants to spend some time alone with her dad.

If your ex-husband isn't careful he will lose the relationship altogether.

Go and collect her.

I’m a step daughter, my step dad’s family are NOT my family. I don’t want them to be my family, I have a family of my own.
My mum and step dad got married when I was 8 and I’ve always felt like that as does my sister.
You can’t force a relationship even if the adults around you blend families, it doesn’t work like that as much as you would like it too.

I definitely wouldn’t pick her up as then she’ll miss out on her holiday, which she might regret.

I wouldn’t push her into seeing him again though.

Its so important that parents spend time with their biological children (the gf should be spending alone time with her DC too) and he is going to have to make more effort to see her on her own.

Its not always possible but a couple of hours once a month is not much to ask for.

I feel very sorry for her.
He has completely lied and showing her that he cares more about his step DC and new gf than her.

At 12 I think your DD knows why she feels the way she does. Her dad has made a point of letting her know that she isn’t the most important person in his life. He is desperate to play happy families with the new wife and he’s trying to force a relationship between your DD and his new family rather than taking his time to introduce them and letting them get get used to the new constellation.

It’s really great that you are listening to her and making her feel like her feelings are valid too and that she shouldn’t feel that she has to accept the crumbs that she’s getting. She is now at the age where a court would take her feelings into consideration with regards to how much or little she wants to see which parent. He has ultimately lied and manipulated her to force her to spend time with people he knows she doesn’t want to spend time. He should want to spend time with her alone but it’s clear that’s not a priority.

It's funny step mums on here are regularly admonished for wanting to do things with their own children without the SCs. They are told to treat the SCs "as their own". Here a dad has been called a cunt for not leaving his SCs out...

She's doing nothing of the sort. She's setting boundaries to protect her child against a shitty father.

Utter rubbish.

The dad appears to be a deadbeat who hasn't bothered his arse in 9 months and now to top it off he's lied to her.

Poor kid.

Is it SM who's deciding they are joining I wonder and your ex just can't tell her no and risk losing another family

I really feel for your daughter OP. Blended families are difficult and your ex can’t just force everyone to play happy families when your child hasn’t chosen this. Pick your girl up OP if that’s what needed, it’s clear at least you make her a priority and you’re a great mum. Why should it be your job to smooth over his new family when he’s so lacking in sensitivity to her feelings? Men who can’t be on their own for 5 minutes and deal their own kids the shit end of the stick are unfortunately all too common.

I'm with your dd on this one. I would have hated being put in the position she is in.
I would strongly encourage her to stay until the step children arrive and then go and collect her.
And tell your ex why.

Typically it is a man acting like a dick and thinking with his dick and the advice is for the woman and the child to suck it up. He should be the one making the effort with his child.

He isn't a caring man and he has been a really shit dad.

He couldn't have 5 minutes one on one with his daughter until she snapped and said no more.

These children are absolutely NOTHING to her and she doesn't have to spend time with them if she doesn't want to.

These children are part of her fathers life and have been foisted on her badly.
It would be lovely if a pleasant relationship could have developed naturally, but his stupidity and disregard for her has 100% created this response.

His behaviour by over promising, lying, misleading her deliberately?...... is a terrible futher knock to her relationship with him.
I am glad you are collecting her.
I would not be forcing her to see him, leave her to make her own decisions.
He has betrayed her trust in his behaviour.

My friend was your daughter. Her parents split when she was 15, with twin siblings of 13. Their father met a woman with 3 younger children and within two years they were replaced. He was devoted to his new family and it caused terrible pain for her and her siblings.

They saw very little of him as all the big holidays were with his new family.
My friend lived with it and had to accept it.
She and her siblings had a wonderful loving mother and have made great successes of their lives with their father being only a very distant occasional person on the very periphery of their lives.

When she was 40 her fathers wife died very suddenly, he was devastated.
Funnily enough his step children didn't turn to him, but their birth father who had remained a constant for them in their lives.
Within a year he had reached out to his children wanting to reconnect in his loneliness and grief.
Clearly my friend and her siblings had unresolved anger as they thought he had some cheek.
They never said anything to him, they simply never responded and they focused on being great children as their mother aged right up to her death.
Their father is now a very old man that they feel under zero obligation whatsoever to visit in his nursing home more that very very occasionally.

OP, your daughter has been badly let down, he needs to do better or face the consequences of his actions.

Your daughter is 12 years of age, so is not a baby and can say how she feels and what she'd like. Why can't you, your daughter and your ex, sit down together and talk to each other? She needs to tell her Dad, that she'd like some 1:1 time with him, on a regular basis. You have to make sure that she understands that her Dad has remarried and now has step-children, that are part of his life and will remain so. So therefore, like it or not, she is going to have to get used to them and his wife being around. She might not want to share her Dad, but unfortunately, she's going to have to learn that there's not much choice. Her Dad needs to understand that he can't move goal posts, if he's promised 1:1 time for 12 days, then unless it's life and death, that's what he needed to deliver. Yes, she's had a few days with him, but that wasn't what she was promised. He needs to think very very carefully before he makes promises. Too many broken ones, and his daughter will decide that all words out of his mouth are 'lies'. For your part, you need to help your daughter integrate with her step-family, they don't need to be best friends, but there needs to be tolerance. I do think your daughter is jealous that her step-siblings see her Dad regularly and she resents the time he spends with them. As for his wife not 'knowing he was visiting his daughter' in the 9 months, your daughter refused to see him, that's heresy, you don't actually know that. She may have been perfectly aware. Good luck.

I don't understand all the posters calling your daughter a brat or that she's "calling the shots", if she were the stepfamily wouldn't be coming.

I would say to her why don't you stay until the stepfamily are due to arrive and then I'll come get you. Try make the most of these days with your dad.

It's hard to explain unless you have experienced it but I absolutely hated that any time I wanted to see a parent, their boyfriend or girlfriend was ALWAYS there. They take over and you don't get any quality time with them. Your parent is always on best behaviour with their stepchildren (never gets annoyed, buys them things they'd never bought for you) and it's really upsetting for children.

Thank you for putting it so much better than I did. This is what I was poorly trying to say

She's 9, whether or not her dad is unreasonable in his actions, what is damaging her the most is that you're both allowing her to call the shots. Far too much power for a child that age and it must be quite unsettling for her.

You need to talk to her dad, agree a reasonable action plan together (which will involve some time with her step-siblings, that's unavoidable) and present it to her as "this is what is happening". Then support her through any emotional upset.

I would ring him and ask what the bloody hell he's playing at!
Of course she's not unreasonable to want regular time alone with her father - he's her dad, not the step children's!
If he wants her to have a decent relationship with his wife and her kids, then he needs to put the effort in and build those relationships.
In lying to her, he's broken her trust. I would go snd get my daughter and remind him that his priority should be his child, not someone else's.