Ex and his stepchildren

You need to take responsibility for the situation that you have created by deliberately undermining your DD's relationship with her dad and the potential relationship she could have had with her SM and step siblings.

You have got what you wanted, so why aren't you happy? Would you only be happy if DD's dad got divorced and stayed on his own?

WTF??? Why should she be forced to spend time with the man if she doesn’t want to?
Not to mention he lied to her to get her to agree under false premises

It's got to be a right balance. He was wrong to mislead her that they'd spend 12 days together when it wasn't. Was the partner going to stay for the next 7 days or just the two days of the weekend?

At the same time, it would seem your DD is expecting to have her dad just to herself and that's not fair either.

So what he saw that film before. She hasn't wanted to see him for 9 months. Was he supposed to put everything on hold.

Maybe they could attempt mediation together so that they can open up to each other and come up with an arrangement that would be reasonable on both sides.

I'm glad you went to get her. That was the right thing to do, given SM and her dc turned up before you'd even left!
If your ex is upset, then this is within his power to fix - he just needs to locate his balls and stop his wife from gatecrashing every occasion he tries to spend with his daughter!

He's a muppet for telling her he'd already seen the cheerleading show on Netflix !

I agree with your dd that she doesn't need to have a relationship with these people - they are her dad's choice, not hers and I think he needs to hear that if he keeps foisting them on her, she will resent them even more! Relationships take time to build and can't be forced.

I would go and collect her. Your Ex got her there under false pretences, knowing how she feels and that is just plain wrong. Can you, Ex & DD have a sit down when this is all over and have a reasonable discussion to try and reach an agreement and avoid estrangement? DD needs to have time alone with her dad sometimes but also accept that his wife and stepchildren are going to be part of her life sometimes too. Ex needs to realise that if he wants to have a good secure relationship with his daughter he needs to prioritise spending time with her and listening and putting her needs before his own. There needs to be some flexibility and compromise on both sides but your Ex needs to be completely honest going forward if he wants to gain your daughter's trust again.

Your ex should have been straight up with your daughter about the holiday; it's not fair telling her one thing then changing the plan.

However I also think you are showing unnecessary animosity towards the step children (there is this other bloody child in the car) and you are also indulging yourself by creating negative imaginary scenarios in your head that are just adding to your sense of grievance even though they have not actually occurred.

Daughter told me the weekend but it wouldn’t surprise me if they turned up early.

I’ve just had visions of the step-daughter turning up in a bridesmaid dress at daughter’s wedding.

Deal with reality, not an exaggerated version of the grievances. Aim to get your ex and daughter to settle on an amount of alone time for them on a regular basis. Surely nobody thinks that nine months with almost no contact is good for anyone?

You said he doesn't spend any time alone with her, except he has for a week?

OP you are been over the top. She can have time with her dad and she is getting it. Is. He only allowed to use up annual leave on her?

Your daughter has to understand that her dad is allowed other relationships too! She can have time with him but then she has to make an effort with extended family! It sounds like the step mum is trying to get involved and build relationship!

I feel for your daughter, she didn’t choose this

I genuinely can't believe some of these replies.

Of course you should go get her.

Dad, can I have some alone time....no
Dad, can I have some alone time...no
Dad, can I have some alone time...no
(On repeat for years)
Dad, can I have some alone time...ok yes I will take you on holiday for 12 days.
(Finally! Cue tears of joy, dad does love me!)
Oh wait, surprise, I tricked you. You got 5 days but others are arriving tomorrow for the last week.

Heartbreaking. If he had carved out even a couple hours/week for his DD on a regular basis then I could see supporting her to spend time with SM and SC.

This to me is not DD flexing, it's SM flexing that she can control when her dsd gets to see her dad.

A father doesn't see his child for 9 months and of course its the woman's fault.

The bar is set so low for men.

OP good for you for going to get her. She needs to know at least one of you is therefor her and will get her when requested.

her father is so misguided, who knows if it is him or the step mum calling the shots but it is bonkers one of the other children has to be there all the time. They also need to have some boundaries but if he isn’t prepared to do so then his relationship with your DD will suffer.

this is likely to have a profound impact on her, so some therapy might be helpful to ensure it doesn’t impact her self esteem especially at her age.

whats sad about this is that she probably isn’t upset and resigned to the fact that this has happened but disappointed that he lied. I really feel for her.

😂😂. It worked out perfectly well in a similar scenario. 2 decades have passed my DD is super happy without her dad in her life. His loss.

I see many of the PPs are advising that you should encourage her to stay and help her to realise that she doesn't get to dictate terms to her Dad.

I have been a 'stepkid' for 40 years. I think she has been clear about her needs with her Dad and he has misled her. There are lots of children who would respond badly to that. I can see the value in going to pick her up once she's had the full 5 days alone with her Dad. And when she's back you can find out more about how those days went and then go from there.

I treasured the moments I spent with my parents without my step-parents there. Step-family dynamics can be very complicated and it's understandable if your daughter doesn't feel able to navigate that on her own. They (your ex, his wife and her kids) are a family unit of their own nearly all of the time and then she shows up on occasion and there's a big pretence that she is just as much a part of their family but her feelings and instincts will tell her that she isn't. Pretending is really hard. (I realise I'm projecting a bit here but maybe this is what your daughter is experiencing when she's with them).

Your ex is doing the right thing to pop in and see her on occasion and if he could build on that by extending the amount of time gradually, that would likely be really positive for them both. But he needs to go slowly and gain her trust. The fact that he misled her about this holiday will be an undeniable setback.

Go and get her OP. I had similar with my DD. The last time she saw her dad was when she was 13, since then she’s graduated university, has a wonderful career and a beautiful family of her own. It was the same scenario, he made so many promises to spend time alone with her but like your situation made false promises and his new family always turned up. DD eventually got sick of it. He tried to get back in contact when she graduated and when she had her own children and both times he was told to fuck off by her. As DD says now it was his loss, he made his choice and now he needs to live with that decision. His wife has tried to get in touch a few times with sob stories too, she’s been told to jog on too by both DD and I a few times.

I hope your DD is fine when she comes home.

I agree. These kids aren't even his, his top priority should be his own daughter and if she wants time alone with him she should get it.

@CrispyDosa I feel for your DC. It sounds like she is crying out for attention from her dad and 1:1 time. I don't think that makes her spoilt. I think she probably struggles with the fact that other kids get her dad everyday and she's probably jealous of that.

In this case he's given her the alone time but he's misrepresented his intentions and got her their on false pretences. He should have been transparent with her.

I would absolutely pick her up. I really don't see an issue her wanting 1:1 time. I don't see why he can't give her 1 day alone once a month. My kids are siblings and I make sure the have 1:1 quality time.

Unless there are other things you are not mentioning here I would really be encouraging your daughter to spend this holiday with her dad whatever the sibling circumstances.

life can throw all sorts of things at us - extra siblings, new family members - maybe your ex is a bit of a twat but he is her dad warts and all

12 days is a long time! Perhaps he thought it would be a better holiday for all of them with more kids/ more people?

Im not saying you or she dont have a right to your feelings - and she is a child and feels how she feels.

But I dont think you should encourage her to walk away from her dad like this.

And if he's barely seen her for 9 months and then the first thing he does is to lie and break a promise, that's pretty shit.

It's really important that parents keep their word to children. Lying isn't a small thing!
I don't think dd expects never to see her dads step children, but seeing them shouldn't be the default - he really ought to be ensuring she feels prioritised by him and has plenty of time just with him. It's in the little car journeys that parents find out a lot about what's going on in the dc's lives, where kids can open up about their worries. None of that will happen while his step kids are in the car!

Usually I'd side with the mum but I think you are supporting your DD flexing, which could easily lead to estrangement. Is that what you want?

I understand she is annoying she was taken under false pretences and was mislead. However, she's a child and needs to accept that her father is in a relationship where there are other children involved. Plenty of children manage the step sibling environment. She's obviously very jealous of these children and is craving one on one time. Although this request is not unreasonable, you need to try and manage her expectations and discuss his situation. Why hasn't he seen her properly in 9 months. Personally I feel you are enabling and assisting in her poor relationship with her father. Btw I have a child with an ex and step children so understand the dynamics completely. Children need to be told and not enabled to make these decisions. I would not collect her, and tell her it's another 5 days and she may even enjoy herself.

I wouldn't pick her up. Whilst I sympathise with her and she should absolutely have 1;1 time with her dad, she can't expect to only ever see him on his own. Whilst he lied, it's not unreasonable to have 1 week 1 to 1 and 2nd week with the rest of the family. The stepkids also didn't ask for this but it's the situation and would be alot better if they at least tried to get along.
I don't think you'll help if you rescue her right away without her even trying. You're supporting her view that she should only ever see him alone and his family is optional extra
Maybe not the whole time left but definitely not tomorrow.

I would suspect that to add to everything else when the step family arrive the OP's DD will be expected to share a bedroom with one of the children. I agree that if she can try and stick it out until the others arrive she will be getting some time alone with her Dad. It sounds awful and I do feel sorry for her