Page 4 | To not invite my sister to my wedding

palepinkmermaid · 2024-07-31T12:28:41+00:00

I'm getting married again next year. I will be 58 and have found love after a hideous divorce. I am the eldest of four girls. My favourite sister died of cancer and another has had a life changing stroke and is nursed in bed. The remaining sister and I have never really got on. I don't enjoy her company and only tolerate her for my aging parents. She is constantly trying to embarrass me and tell my DF stories from years ago (he knows them all) to try and cause trouble. When I got married 20 years ago it was the day before her birthday. She went round the entire reception group, telling them that I had only chosen that date to 'ruin' her birthday (we were all in our 30's). She also decided to suddenly get engaged and again went round handing out handwritten wedding invites to my friends. She made the day all about her but at least last time I had my other sisters to manage her. I just can't face it again. All my children and DF's will be there and it's a small wedding. 60 maximum. DF not inviting his brother either as not that close. I know my parents and my eldest daughter are uncomfortable she's not coming and she has launched a massive campaign, for anyone that will listen, about how terrible it is and how mean I am. Because she is entitled to go as it is a family event and she wants to see her family - nieces, nephews, cousins, parents. AIBU?

Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 15:18

Turophilic · 31/07/2024 15:05

It took me far to long to work out DF was probably Fiancé because it's usually Father, I think, so I thought your dad was weighing in on your side, which was encouraging. Oops.

Don't invite her, she brings nothing positive to you.

If you're getting marriend in a church she can attend the service because you can't bar people from churches, so just be prepared for that possibility. But otherwise, tell your ushers or whatever that no, she's not been invited and she can't come in just on the off chance she tries to gatecrash. Even if she does turn up, after an initial 5 minutes of "no, you may not come in" it will all be dealt with and you can get on with your celebration and forget about her.

Oops. I never post so that was a mistake on the DF front. I will say DP in future!

But wise words and I agree. We may be getting married in church. Anyone that has been divorced will know that isn't a straight forward process :)

OP posts:

G123456789 · 31/07/2024 15:18

CostaDelOrchard · 31/07/2024 14:03

A little bit weird you chose to overshadow her birthday by getting married the day before. Maybe I’m missing the point 🤷‍♀️

I think you are..they were in their 30s...you only have one (ok 2) weddings, they aren't every day. It was the day after her birthday. She wasn't going to go be 10. It's not always easy to pick a wedding date at the venue you want. She was in her 30s and grown woman passing out hand written wedding invitations at her sisters wedding is pathetic

Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 15:16

I've talked to both my parents who both find her behaviour unacceptable. My mother (bless her) missed my first wedding as she'd just had brain surgery. This time round she is in early stages of dementia and rather forgetful. She is fine with my decision and everytime I remind her of what she did first time round, we laugh about it.

I don't feel not inviting her will cause any upset in my family. I have discussed it with my father (who remarried at a similar age and did it abroad), mother (they are divorced) and eldest daughter who understand. As some have said, at my age, you tend to worry less about what other people think.

I have invited her for Christmas and we will see how that goes. I'd love for her to not be who she is and be able to behave herself but she just can't. She wants to upstage me and make it all about her. She stresses out my parents who are in their mid 80's. So even though I don't think she is a bad person, I don't think she is a nice person or a mature person or someone who has any EI and can blend it subtly.

And yes - WE are having 60 close friends and some family because we want too. NO SHAME THERE. Neither of us had the wedding we wanted first time (for me it was mainly the wrong groom who dominated the guest list) and totally don't buy into the quiet registery office thing because I am not 25 anymore. We are celbrating our love and making a commitment in front of the people we care about who care about us including our 6 DC. Our 4 daughters have all recently agreed to being bridesmaids and are hugely excited ranging in age from 18-38. Thats the family I care about the most. Our new blending one.

But thank you. Very interesting opinions. I do think even the word wedding is triggering for some people. Likewise family relationships are all different and I am blessed with wonderful DC, many good friends and a wonderful step brother.

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OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 31/07/2024 15:12

Yanbu

But in your shoes I would downsize massively so that it's less of a slap in the face. She can't complain about being excluded if it's such a small event that she wouldn't make the cut even if you got on really well.

You are right that she will poison the day if she's there, but she will also do her best to poison the day if she's not there. Eg using social media, or staging a dramatic health crisis or something. Excluding more people who are close to her will help.

saraclara · 31/07/2024 15:06

If I never saw or spoke to my sister again it wouldn't bother me. I don't think she is a bad person though we aren't close.

If you don't think she's a bad person, then why are you prepared to put the test of your family in such an awkward position? You've said that your parents and your daughter think that this is unreasonable of you. The only time I'd risk the rest of my family's upset, would be if the family member was positively evil.

Turophilic · 31/07/2024 15:05

It took me far to long to work out DF was probably Fiancé because it's usually Father, I think, so I thought your dad was weighing in on your side, which was encouraging. Oops.

Don't invite her, she brings nothing positive to you.

If you're getting marriend in a church she can attend the service because you can't bar people from churches, so just be prepared for that possibility. But otherwise, tell your ushers or whatever that no, she's not been invited and she can't come in just on the off chance she tries to gatecrash. Even if she does turn up, after an initial 5 minutes of "no, you may not come in" it will all be dealt with and you can get on with your celebration and forget about her.

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 31/07/2024 15:00

Ozanj · 31/07/2024 14:44

I think at 58 a second wedding with 60 people is inappropriate. It should be you, your kids, two witnesses. That’s it

🙄

Some people!

Good for you Ozanj. Maybe you have a different favourite colour too, but that option is equally irrelevant.

EricHebbornInItaly · 31/07/2024 14:59

OP unless people have toxic family members they won’t understand and will bleet “but it’s family, you only have one, etc etc”.

My daughter’s christening, first birthday, and first Christmas were all ruined by my witch of a mother in law. Never again, I’ve gone no contact.

Don’t invite her, she’s bound to do something nasty that will poison the whole happy even for you and your DF.

Your sister has played bitch games and wins a bitch prize. She isn’t wanted at her sister’s wedding because she’s a nasty piece of work. I’d book in for a therapist to discuss this with. And how to navigate this with your mother, friends and family.

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 31/07/2024 14:58

YANBU - the fact that your sister referred to it as a family event says it all about how entitled she feels.

KreedKafer · 31/07/2024 14:53

Ozanj · 31/07/2024 14:44

I think at 58 a second wedding with 60 people is inappropriate. It should be you, your kids, two witnesses. That’s it

What the fuck is going on with this place today?

KreedKafer · 31/07/2024 14:53

CostaDelOrchard · 31/07/2024 14:03

A little bit weird you chose to overshadow her birthday by getting married the day before. Maybe I’m missing the point 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry, but if you think that getting married the day before someone else's birthday is somehow an attempt to steal their birthday thunder, you are mad. I can't imagine anyone, genuinely, even thinking of this.

saraclara · 31/07/2024 14:52

The only caution I'd offer is whether this places your mum in the position of having to choose between you or your sister. The fallout for this isn't limited to the relationship between just you and your sister. Two of my sister's don't speak at all, the affect it's had on my mother is horrible

That's what I was planning to say. You're putting other family members in a horrible position. If one of my daughters refused to invite the other to their wedding, I honestly don't know what I'd do. I'd feel disloyal whatever I did. And if I went, I'd probably have to spend the whole event having to answer other guests' questions about where the sister was.

Frankly, the fact that their relationship had broken down that badly would break my heart.

SeeSeeRider · 31/07/2024 14:48

Tell your parents AND your eldest daughter to shut up and keep shutting up about your sister, or else they won't be invited either.

Ozanj · 31/07/2024 14:44

I think at 58 a second wedding with 60 people is inappropriate. It should be you, your kids, two witnesses. That’s it

SlidingDoors1 · 31/07/2024 14:39

No you are not being unreasonable

At this point in our lives I think we start to feel comfortable doing what the heck we want to do and not feeling we need to people please

Your sister sounds like shes tried to belitttle you a fair bit...why the heck would you invite that in?

Do not invite and dont bow to pressure xx

pyjamatimes · 31/07/2024 14:38

I am looking forward to marrying DF but also for the wedding to be over and to be on honeymoon and just married.

You don’t have to have 60 guests you know.
That’s a big wedding. You don’t have to have any guests at all. Clearly you want to.

LaughingElderberry · 31/07/2024 14:30

Is this an opportunity to be really clear with her?

I'd be tempted to tell her that it is not a family event - it is your wedding, to which certain family and friends have been invited. She is not one of the invitees because you aren't close to each other and you don't want her there.

If you can be honest, it's a chance to save a load of aggro later on because at least it puts everything out in the open. However it depends on whether it will cause a load of noise elsewhere in your family and friend group. Personally I think one of the benefits of being older is you become much less tolerant of putting up with being treated like crap!

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 31/07/2024 14:23

I completely agree you should only invite who you want to be there, after all you're footing the bill for the celebration and you want the day to be a joyous one, not one with hidden/obvious tension.

The only caution I'd offer is whether this places your mum in the position of having to choose between you or your sister. The fallout for this isn't limited to the relationship between just you and your sister. Two of my sister's don't speak at all, the affect it's had on my mother is horrible. Just some food for thought.

REP22 · 31/07/2024 14:22

Oh, bless you @palepinkmermaid. You don't need that in your life. Have you ever come across the Stately Homes threads on MN? A place of wisdom, solidarity, advice and kindness for those with toxic relatives. It doesn't have to be parents. Lots of support and advice, whether or not you are considering going fully non-contact, and good coping strategies. Latest one here: March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes | Mumsnet

I hope you have a lovely and hassle-free wedding, and many happy times to come with your OH. x

March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes | Mumsnet

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread. This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007) So this thread...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5032064-march-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=1

Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 14:20

CostaDelOrchard · 31/07/2024 14:03

A little bit weird you chose to overshadow her birthday by getting married the day before. Maybe I’m missing the point 🤷‍♀️

@CostaDelOrchard A joke surely? I got married on a Thursday in December and she was in her 30's. I didn't even think about it. Our sister was buried on my birthday. It's just a day.

This time round I am getting married on my best friends mothers birthday.

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Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 14:17

3luckystars · 31/07/2024 14:06

She is already making it about her and will probably turn up.

i think you should re look at your plans. What does your fiance think ?

Very insightful @3luckystars because she has done that before! Invited herself or just arrived. When I have gone out with friends and she has wanted to come. Or I have had a party. She has the high potential to do that. My DF is really clear (whenever I have wavered) that he can see the effect she has on me. Makes me stress and worried and anxious (because of what she might be about to do or what she would share about me) and why would he want her ruining our wedding day.

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Sunshineafterthehail · 31/07/2024 14:16

Mil also ruined our honeymoon so keep your plans to yourself op.
Haven't seen her for over 9 years.. Every cloud and all that....

Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 14:15

REP22 · 31/07/2024 14:08

Your day, your way. Don't invite her, don't feel guilty. If she can't behave herself you shouldn't have to make that part of your day. Can't believe the posters above who are suggesting that you are not being decent or supporting the sister's views. There probably will be fallout - but her own actions over the years have been to blame, not yours. You're quite within your rights to decide that you no longer wish to engage with it going forward.

Best wishes to you.

Really appreciate your post @REP22 - it's what I feel. Why should I when she has behaved as she has. Just because she is a blood relation, doesn't mean that I don't have friends or other relatives that I am closer too.

She's the type that tries to get bad pictures of you and posts them all over social media :)

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Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 14:13

Thank you to those that have replied.

I had about 150 the first time round so it feels smaller to me. But I agree it's not 20. I never thought I'd get married again and first time round, I definitely had people, I didn't want there out of obligation. Including 3 babies, one of whom cried all the way through the service. When we had said no children.

If I never saw or spoke to my sister again it wouldn't bother me. I don't think she is a bad person though we aren't close. I just have nothing in common with her. All I have in common/connection with her is history. It is true that weddings seem to bring out all sorts of entitled people and I feel like instead of marrying the love of my life in front of our nearest and dearest, I have decided to put on an event for everyone else, that I pay for and they pick over.

We don't get married until next year anyway and so invites have not gone out. I have been trimming down the list and none of our DC are bringing a plus one unless in an established relationship. They can have friends in the evening which they are fine with. The day is tight due to the venue we have chosen and the room ideally would have more like 50 in it so not too rammed in.

She would not be top of my list or indeed on any list and if I didn't invite her, I'd say it was because there were other people there that I wanted more. To be honest, she is fairly immobile (due to weight and fitness issues) so always ends up cancelling when we organise any family events. A part of me wonders whether to hedge my bets and invite her, hoping she will cancel. But I know equally if I do invite her, she'd constantly bombard me with problems about what to wear etc. Making it all about her.

It's not an easy one that is for sure.

I am looking forward to marrying DF but also for the wedding to be over and to be on honeymoon and just married.

OP posts:

REP22 · 31/07/2024 14:08

Your day, your way. Don't invite her, don't feel guilty. If she can't behave herself you shouldn't have to make that part of your day. Can't believe the posters above who are suggesting that you are not being decent or supporting the sister's views. There probably will be fallout - but her own actions over the years have been to blame, not yours. You're quite within your rights to decide that you no longer wish to engage with it going forward.

Best wishes to you.