Page 3 | To not invite my sister to my wedding

Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 17:38

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 31/07/2024 16:45

"STBDH" is the appropriate Mumsnet abbreviation

Show quote history

Much appreciated. I think this might be my first and last post however :)

OP posts:

Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 17:38

YellowAsteroid · 31/07/2024 16:41

I tend to take the course of least resistance and I’d invite her. You’ll never hear the end of it if you don’t and not inviting her puts you in the wrong somewhat.

Make sure there’s someone looking after her and keeping her away from you, if you think she’s going to annoy you.

But not inviting her makes you look the petty one.

But I have to say I get on well with all my sisters (I hAve 4 of them) but I would say, we’d none of us schedule a wedding the day before one of our birthdays. We’d have been a bit more sensitive and thoughtful.

Thanks for this. The first part seemed considered and thoughtful. Made me think. Second part a bit 'judgey'.

As you say, you are close to your sisters. I am not to her. I was to my late sister and my sister that can no longer speak due to her stroke. We used to laugh about how awful the youngest sister (her) has been over the years.

Much as this is about my second wedding and not my first, the date we ended up getting married first time round wasn't our first choice. A venue and date fell through and we had to scrabble around. I was 6 months pregnant and put myself first. We wanted to get married before Christmas with the baby due early March.

However it still wouldn't occur to me that having a wedding near someones birthday that I wasn't close too, could be an issue. If it was someone close and a significant birthday I might. But not a 34th. She didn't have to come and she got to see her old school friends and family who lived near where we got married. Not where she lived.

OP posts:

PfishFood · 31/07/2024 17:17

Think of someone that the dissenters dislike, and next time they mention not inviting your sister, say "Well, would you pay for a meal out for John Smith?" "No? Well, why should I pay for my sister then?"

Your wedding, your choice.

TubeScreamer · 31/07/2024 17:14

Invite her and assign another family member to manage her so that she doesn’t spoil the day,

Harvestmoon49 · 31/07/2024 16:48

@PrimalOwl10

Who put you in charge of other people's weddings?

I had a 2nd wedding. 120 people came and had a brilliant time (and I wore white)

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 31/07/2024 16:45

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 15:18

Oops. I never post so that was a mistake on the DF front. I will say DP in future!

But wise words and I agree. We may be getting married in church. Anyone that has been divorced will know that isn't a straight forward process :)

Show quote history

"STBDH" is the appropriate Mumsnet abbreviation

YellowAsteroid · 31/07/2024 16:41

I tend to take the course of least resistance and I’d invite her. You’ll never hear the end of it if you don’t and not inviting her puts you in the wrong somewhat.

Make sure there’s someone looking after her and keeping her away from you, if you think she’s going to annoy you.

But not inviting her makes you look the petty one.

But I have to say I get on well with all my sisters (I hAve 4 of them) but I would say, we’d none of us schedule a wedding the day before one of our birthdays. We’d have been a bit more sensitive and thoughtful.

DoreenonTill8 · 31/07/2024 16:30

CostaDelOrchard · 31/07/2024 14:03

A little bit weird you chose to overshadow her birthday by getting married the day before. Maybe I’m missing the point 🤷‍♀️

My thought too!

Easipeelerie · 31/07/2024 16:22

As she is so often unkind and rude about you to whoever she’s speaking to, I wouldn’t feel guilty about not inviting her. She has the strong potential to ruin your day and you don’t want that. People saying you should suck it up, maybe haven’t read what you’ve said about things she’s said and done in the past.

It’s fascinating why people behave this way though, what is she hoping to achieve? Can’t she see how unlikeable her behaviour makes her?

Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 16:22

StormingNorman · 31/07/2024 16:11

I think your first wedding was a bit for tat. Why would you arrange a wedding the day before her birthday? That is a bit strange. Handing out her invitations was retaliation.

I would invite her. I would also invite DP’s brother.

This is hilarious. I was expecting some wild opinions and I certainly got them.

It actually worked out well for her as she had all her family around her and could celebrate with them. I was away on honeymoon. But you are right, it was mean of me to not think about what a huge occasion a 34th birthday was.

DP's brother would feel very out of place and can't afford to travel over to us. Or any accommodation. And we can't afford to pay for everyones travel and accommodation. Sadly. He's been married 4 times and is v chilled about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 16:18

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 31/07/2024 16:13

I think you're being cruel because you've invited her to yours for Christmas so clearly have some sort of relationship as far as she's concerned but you're telling her she's effectively not good enough to be in the top 60 for your wedding.

You're either friendly enough to invite at Christmas and your wedding or you're not friendly enough for either surely?

I'm not actually inviting her to my house. I am suggesting she stays with my mother who lives near by (whom she never visits) and comes for Christmas dinner as my eldest is with me. It will be a hideous experience and I am doing it for everyone else. My daughter (her niece) and my mother (who won't be with my on Christmas day as can't settle away from home due to the dementia). It's not a big traditional family Christmas. Far from.

But also I can see her face to face (if she comes) and talk to her about the wedding. Maybe.

OP posts:

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 31/07/2024 16:13

I think you're being cruel because you've invited her to yours for Christmas so clearly have some sort of relationship as far as she's concerned but you're telling her she's effectively not good enough to be in the top 60 for your wedding.

You're either friendly enough to invite at Christmas and your wedding or you're not friendly enough for either surely?

StormingNorman · 31/07/2024 16:11

I think your first wedding was a bit for tat. Why would you arrange a wedding the day before her birthday? That is a bit strange. Handing out her invitations was retaliation.

I would invite her. I would also invite DP’s brother.

Gillypie23 · 31/07/2024 16:03

It's your wedding. Invite who you want. Don't feel bad about it.

TruthorDie · 31/07/2024 15:48

Ozanj · 31/07/2024 14:44

I think at 58 a second wedding with 60 people is inappropriate. It should be you, your kids, two witnesses. That’s it

So if she was 38 or 48 it would be fine?!

whereisthelifethatirecognize · 31/07/2024 15:38

To anyone who asks: "She worked hard to ruin the first one by deliberately making it all about her. We're not giving her that opportunity again. Her behaviour shows us she hasn't learned or changed for the better over the past 20 years, in fact it's worse."

I'd also warn the venue in advance and have people ready to deny her entry.

OriginalUsername2 · 31/07/2024 15:38

Wait for her to inevitably do or say something at Christmas then say “This. This is why we can’t invite you to the wedding, because you don’t know how to behave politely around other people.”

twodowntwotogo · 31/07/2024 15:31

twodowntwotogo · 31/07/2024 15:30

You may not get on with her but you'll cause more trouble if you do invite her. Have you ever had an honest conversation with her about not getting on, and how she's upset you in the past? if not, try to be brave and say that to her - even via email - and say you'll invite her for your parents' sake but that you're asking her to please try to modify her behaviour on the day.

Show quote history

sorry I meant if you don't invite her

twodowntwotogo · 31/07/2024 15:30

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 13:28

I'm getting married again next year. I will be 58 and have found love after a hideous divorce.

I am the eldest of four girls. My favourite sister died of cancer and another has had a life changing stroke and is nursed in bed. The remaining sister and I have never really got on. I don't enjoy her company and only tolerate her for my aging parents. She is constantly trying to embarrass me and tell my DF stories from years ago (he knows them all) to try and cause trouble.

When I got married 20 years ago it was the day before her birthday. She went round the entire reception group, telling them that I had only chosen that date to 'ruin' her birthday (we were all in our 30's).

She also decided to suddenly get engaged and again went round handing out handwritten wedding invites to my friends. She made the day all about her but at least last time I had my other sisters to manage her.

I just can't face it again.

All my children and DF's will be there and it's a small wedding. 60 maximum. DF not inviting his brother either as not that close.

I know my parents and my eldest daughter are uncomfortable she's not coming and she has launched a massive campaign, for anyone that will listen, about how terrible it is and how mean I am. Because she is entitled to go as it is a family event and she wants to see her family - nieces, nephews, cousins, parents.

AIBU?

You may not get on with her but you'll cause more trouble if you do invite her. Have you ever had an honest conversation with her about not getting on, and how she's upset you in the past? if not, try to be brave and say that to her - even via email - and say you'll invite her for your parents' sake but that you're asking her to please try to modify her behaviour on the day.

Maddy70 · 31/07/2024 15:26

Honestly i think you have sibling rivalry that is eating away at you unnecessarily.

Invite her. Be the bigger person. You wont engage with her much in the day anyway and it will be nice for your parents

Life is too short

Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 15:23

G123456789 · 31/07/2024 15:20

Ooo get the morality police. "She shouldn't wear white either". And "who does she think she is in that dress". Must be your next comments

Show quote history

Guess what colour I am wearing :) I am happy and a bride. I was going to wear a colour because I had opinions from people about not being a virgin, too old etc but luckily I went to look at dresses with my best friend and found the one. Very simple but I love it and will offset all my gorgeous bridesmaids in outfits of their choice.

OP posts:

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 31/07/2024 15:21

Ozanj · 31/07/2024 14:44

I think at 58 a second wedding with 60 people is inappropriate. It should be you, your kids, two witnesses. That’s it

Why?

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 31/07/2024 15:21

I had this problem too - 3 sisters including one who has always been vile to me. I invited her to the day. She said something horrible about my dress, the food AND a poem we had read for us, and afterwards rang my mum to say the professional photos were bad and didn't include enough pics of her kids.
Don't invite her!

G123456789 · 31/07/2024 15:20

Ozanj · 31/07/2024 14:44

I think at 58 a second wedding with 60 people is inappropriate. It should be you, your kids, two witnesses. That’s it

Ooo get the morality police. "She shouldn't wear white either". And "who does she think she is in that dress". Must be your next comments

Katiesaidthat · 31/07/2024 15:19

Ozanj · 31/07/2024 14:44

I think at 58 a second wedding with 60 people is inappropriate. It should be you, your kids, two witnesses. That’s it

Bullshit.
OP ignore this, perhaps you should wear something frumpy, or jeans or a burka...this is batshit.