To not invite my sister to my wedding

This thread is interesting because it shows how two separate issues get conflated - both weddings and funerals are very personal events yet also, incongruously, are seen as an opp for a family get together, with all the potential for long-standing disputes and resentment to resurface in a time of stress.

If this is the one time the family can get together, it's a shame - but quite typical, don't get me wrong. Might almost be worth having a big family get together that's like a wedding at some point, invite everyone inc sister so you can do all that - admittedly it's costly! - then keep the wedding to who you really want.

It does have that feel of a kids' party - that who gets excluded feels traumatised. It shouldn't. Might almost be a thing where you say to your sister 'Look, you don't actually seem to like me that much so why exactly do you want to go? Remember what you did last time?'

Could she just come to the after-party/reception? Or would that be where the most damage is done?

Nobody asked

I was going to say that a wedding is a huge event,and b the better person,until I read further,so I will just say this, you have people at your wedding who you love and feel comfortable with,if you invite your sister,and she turns up you will be watching her the whole day,wondering how big a stirring spoon she brought with her.it is YOUR day,you need to decide,is it better to have her ruin your day,or just not invite her?all the very best for luck for your wedding and futurexx

Lucky it's not your wedding then!

Get married quietly in a Registrar's Office, have just the two required witnesses, you can't hurt anyone.

Of course you don't have to invite her.

My husband and I eloped to Millbrook Estate in Devon.

It was perfect, just the 2 of us celebrating the commitment we made to one another.

We got ready together, walked to the ceremony under an oak tree together - it was purely perfect.

Highly recommend it (it was both of ours second marriage).

No stress, no drama (both of us have toxic family) - highly recommend going for it.

Your wedding your choice, I'm getting married in a few weeks and didn't invite anyone I even had a slight doubt about. Literally ended up with my parents, my sister and her family and my closest friends on my side, the rest of my family I have hardly any contact with and don't intend to change that any time soon, I am finally happy and settled with a good man and my daughters are in a stable safe home, nothing else matters to me so if people are offended or upset that they aren't invited including siblings thats their problem not mine. We have 40 people coming to our wedding and every single person is someone who is a part of our lives regularly and makes a positive happy contribution. No drama, no stress, no panic attacks at the thought of toxic drama on my wedding day. I want to celebrate the happiness and love we both found with each other after awful relationships previously.

I didn't even invite my parents to my 2nd wedding because of their behaviour around my first wedding. They were a nightmare, and can't cope with not being in control.

They couldn't believe it but I just wasn't having that again and to highlight their behaviour further, they've managed to maintain a fall out with my ex's family for 20 years because they love a fallout and don't care how it impacts others, including their grandchildren who have to put up with grandma refusing to speak to their other grandparents even at family events.

I still have them for Christmas, run them around to appointments and visit. I'm a good daughter in most ways. They just don't get to come to any more weddings or meet my new in laws.

OP , just because you can't choose your family doesn't mean you need to tolerate bad behaviour.

It is your day to have as you wish. I got married and did not invite one of my siblings as they were hell bent on ruining the day so they got uninvited and since they weren't there my wedding day was blissful

it depends on the family dynamic.

My family always invite any wedding guests still around for an informal brunch/ lunch. I get on very well with my sisters, we would make a big fuss and bring birthday cake, it would be great.

The remaining sister and I have never really got on. I don't enjoy her company and only tolerate her for my aging parents.
is not quite the same thing. When you can chose any date in the year, the day after the birthday is weird, when she didn't like her sister!

Some people like their birthdays, a 34th is as significant as any birthday for a lot of us.

I got remarried earlier this year. 40 guests. Neither sister. My mum was fine with it.

it’s your wedding, you get to choose who to invite.

What is all this absolute nonsense about people saying you shouldn't be have got wed the day after your sister's birthday? She was in her thirties, why would this even be a consideration? Don't invite her, she sounds like a nightmare. I didn't invite my dad to my wedding, no regrets. I only regretted inviting an aunt and uncle because my mum asked me to, she admitted after that I shouldn't have listened to her.

It's very weird to plan your own wedding the day before your sister's birthday frankly - unless you are close and discussed the date together, it can be fun or it can be spiteful.

Of course you book any day you want, but it's still weird to pick that specific date. I am not sure she's the nasty one and you are the angel one here.

Just tell her you don't like her and don't want or need to see her unless it is regarding your parents health. It really is that simple. Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage

Don't invite her. It sounds like everyone else close to you who knows you is on your side. I imagine your friends will be too.
As for the first wedding being the day before her birthday, how ridiculous to be upset but even more so to then go around telling everyone and then making it all about her passing out those handwritten invites. She clearly has issues. Those are good reasons not to invite her.
But regardless, you don't get on. A good reason to not invite her.
I know you are thinking of seeing how things go over Christmas, which is more than kind of you. I suspect, she'll remind you why you don't want her there. If anyone close to you really wanted her there they could be responsible for her but it sounds like there isn't anyone now.
Given how much angst you are having about it, I definitely think you are doing the right thing to not invite her. Do not let thinking about her overshadow the joy of you planning and getting married. You should focus on enjoying every moment!

Don’t invite her!
Your fiancé sounds like he wouldn’t want her there because of “the effect” she has on you.
You owe her no type of consideration, because of the way she behaved at your first wedding and the way she has behaved to you over the years.
She’s tried to make trouble between you and your fiancé by telling tales about your past, she’s tried to take the most horrible/embarrassing pictures of you and posted them all over social media.
Don't give her any more chances to cause bad memories, especially of your most joyful second wedding.

OP, absolutely do not invite her to your wedding. You are not close to her.
I certainly wouldn't be doing Christmas either, mixed messages.

A wedding is a special day, I would say to everyone do it your way.

I look back at my wedding as something to have gotten through.

We did it for family, paid for everything, accommodation and drinks, and it was a day everyone enjoyed.
I didn't particularly.
My husbands lovely father died shortly afterwards and the only piece of video of him is that day, likewise his lovely aunt who also died. So I am happy enough for that reason alone.

When I hear of small intimate weddings I think well done.

The last few in our family have involved hundreds.....more money than sense!😁...even though we enjoyed them.

Yes that does strike me as quite the bullying. I know about sibling dynamics- I have 5 siblings! But ganging up like that - hmmmm.

I wonder if you resent this youngest sister for reasons other than how horrible she is @palepinkmermaid - that she survives when your preferred sisters haven’t?

it’d be very interesting to hear the sister’s version of growing up in this family.

My sister didn't just get married in my birthday but on my 21st birthday. I still love her! It was the only day the venue was free that suited, and I was fine with it. I'm amazed by those that think a Birthday eve should be avoided!!!

60 isn't small. It's your choice but don't use numbers as a reason

You bonded with your other sisters about how terrible one of them was? Seriously?

Wedding threads on Mumsnet probably don't count - they're always bonkers anyway - but right now the site is full of some very unpleasant, festering prejudice, particularly on threads relating to some of the more prominent news stories of the week.

Perhaps it's what Shakespeare once referred to as midsummer madness?

Hey sister, welcome to the thread. Try not to spoil it...

If you had 150 people the first time round but were unable to set a date that was either the day of, or the day before someone's birthday, assuming nobody shared a birthday, you would only have 60 days to choose from. Then take out Christmas and assorted holidays, as well as anniversaries of other peoples weddings, bereavements etc, you've got nothing left. How ridiculous.

.....as they always used to say at GCSE, 'make sure you answer the question that's asked rather than one you wish had been asked'.