To not invite my sister to my wedding

Sunshineafterthehail · 12/08/2024 18:10

I got married on my own birthday! Made it easier for dh not to forget either date!!
At 44 in a proper wedding dress. Not white though..
And no mil. Was a great day.

Original poster

palepinkmermaid · 12/08/2024 10:57

Thank you for all the responses. Especially from those who took the plunge and just invited people that filled their hearts with joy and didn't look back.

I've found the debate about how big/small my wedding is/should be and whether I should wear white and whom I am obligated to invite, quite amusing. And the few who want to defend my sister and say I am a bad person. Don't get that but I guess that is just strangers on the internet with their own issues and demons.

I love the idea of offering online links and also having a virtual wedding and I'd include her in that. She isn't very mobile anyway and hates formal occasions. So it might do her a favour.

However the thing I have found hilarious is the thought that one can't have a wedding on the eve of someone's birthday. It's literally never occurred to me as a negative. As some have said it could be double the celebration. Our wedding date was changed at the last minute as our original venue fell through. I was 6 months pregnant and just wanted to get married rather than postpone so we went with the dates available (we got married on a Thursday). She didn't have to come but actually had a great time as she had all her family around her and was home for the weekend.

This thread has really helped me focus on what is important. My soon to be DH (sorry can't remember the Mumsnet lingo) and all our 6 children. They are the only ones that have an entitlement to attend and everyone is very excited.

OP posts:

Poddledoddle · 08/08/2024 13:33

PrimalOwl10 · 31/07/2024 13:41

60 ppl is not a small wedding we had that number and was by no means small. A small wedding would be 20 people. I think your making a massive statement excluding her and inviting everyone else. For a second wedding I'd have a service and go out for a meal. It's usual to have a big wedding second time around.

Actually 60 and under is a small wedding. I've worked in the wedding industry for 20 years and the average wedding is 110 guests in the uk

TheVividKoala · 08/08/2024 13:19

It’s your wedding, so only invite people you want to spend the day with. I have an awful relationship with my mother and younger brother and I didn’t invite either of them when I got married. Our day was so much happier without the stress of them being included. Do what makes you happy and don’t worry about anyone else’s opinions.

SeeMeRun · 07/08/2024 22:11

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 13:28

I'm getting married again next year. I will be 58 and have found love after a hideous divorce.

I am the eldest of four girls. My favourite sister died of cancer and another has had a life changing stroke and is nursed in bed. The remaining sister and I have never really got on. I don't enjoy her company and only tolerate her for my aging parents. She is constantly trying to embarrass me and tell my DF stories from years ago (he knows them all) to try and cause trouble.

When I got married 20 years ago it was the day before her birthday. She went round the entire reception group, telling them that I had only chosen that date to 'ruin' her birthday (we were all in our 30's).

She also decided to suddenly get engaged and again went round handing out handwritten wedding invites to my friends. She made the day all about her but at least last time I had my other sisters to manage her.

I just can't face it again.

All my children and DF's will be there and it's a small wedding. 60 maximum. DF not inviting his brother either as not that close.

I know my parents and my eldest daughter are uncomfortable she's not coming and she has launched a massive campaign, for anyone that will listen, about how terrible it is and how mean I am. Because she is entitled to go as it is a family event and she wants to see her family - nieces, nephews, cousins, parents.

AIBU?

It feels harsh to invite 60 people and specifically not her - it’s embarrassing to her to be cut off in front of all family members. especially if you’ve never actually told her you want nothing more to do with her.
you also mention that your first wedding was day before her birthday and you didn’t even think about that because she was in her 30’s (that’s weird. I’m in my 40’s but know when my siblings birthdays are - I bet you did know and didn’t give a hoot).
usually when people dislike others it’s because they reflect traits back at themselves that they hate. I think, from the examples you’ve given you are probably more like your sister than you realise and that’s why you hate her so much and why you managed to have a full blown 150 people wedding the day before her birthday.
invite who you want but don’t make out a 60 wedding is small. And at least tell her your relationship is over and that’s why you are not inviting her, and then never see her again.

Doodleflips · 07/08/2024 22:05

People are so strange on here.
Why are people commenting on the rest of it, I.e how many guests, when you haven’t asked?
WRT the question, it’s your day, and your choice, and if you don’t want t to invite her, don’t (can completely underway you don’t want to)

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 06/08/2024 07:00

GretaGarbosTwin · 06/08/2024 06:20

To all of those saying they wouldn’t overshadow their siblings’ birthdays -

I have siblings. I don’t mind at all if they get married the day before or the day after my birthday. To be honest, I wouldn’t even mind if they got married on my actual birthday!

I would probably be slightly embarrassed when they did the speeches, mentioned it, and made everyone sing happy birthday to me. Because that is what they (and I) would do.

Anyway, that is in the past for the OP. Invite who you want, wear what you want, and have a fabulous day!

To all the people saying they could never have a wedding the day before or after a sibling’s birthday - would having the wedding the same week as a birthday be ok? And what would you do if your sibling’s wedding was a day before your birthday? Or even…the day after?!?

Her sister was 34!!!!

On my 18th birthday (as in on the actual birthday, at a meal out) my sister and brother in law announced that they were pregnant and I couldn't have been happier.

Maybe it's just me but when you're out of primary school birthdays aren't a big deal at all

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 06/08/2024 06:52

Nah, I think she's made her bed.

Why should another of your special days be ruined? Just don't blow up at her over it and take precautions to ensure she doesn't try to come anyway or sabotage things from afar.

JaneRocks · 06/08/2024 06:45

1mabon · 04/08/2024 13:06

Get married quietly in a Registrar's Office, have just the two required witnesses, you can't hurt anyone.

Why should OP miss out on the wedding they really want, because of one toxic person?

GretaGarbosTwin · 06/08/2024 06:20

To all of those saying they wouldn’t overshadow their siblings’ birthdays -

I have siblings. I don’t mind at all if they get married the day before or the day after my birthday. To be honest, I wouldn’t even mind if they got married on my actual birthday!

I would probably be slightly embarrassed when they did the speeches, mentioned it, and made everyone sing happy birthday to me. Because that is what they (and I) would do.

Anyway, that is in the past for the OP. Invite who you want, wear what you want, and have a fabulous day!

To all the people saying they could never have a wedding the day before or after a sibling’s birthday - would having the wedding the same week as a birthday be ok? And what would you do if your sibling’s wedding was a day before your birthday? Or even…the day after?!?

JaneRocks · 06/08/2024 05:46

Ozanj · 31/07/2024 14:44

I think at 58 a second wedding with 60 people is inappropriate. It should be you, your kids, two witnesses. That’s it

Inappropriate for who!? If that's what the engaged couple want for their wedding, then whatever they choose is appropriate for them!

Delphinous78 · 04/08/2024 18:54

I wouldn't invite her. I mean this nicely so I hope it doesn't come over condescending but the guilt trip about wedding guests is something I had when I got married at 22, if I'm lucky enough to find love when I'm older I hope I can shut out all the noise and just do what I want.

Also, my brother had a graduation party on my 28th birthday I wasn't for a second upset. Getting annoyed because your sister got married a day before your birthday and making a fuss at her wedding makes me think she hasn't liked you for a long time. Congratulations on your engagement!

Dubuem · 04/08/2024 17:17

You say you tolerate her for the sake of your parents, but are now upsetting them by leaving her out of a big family event, albeit your day.

I think you will be creating more drama (that will live on for years) and playing right into her hands by not inviting her. Also agree with other posters that she will probably turn up anyway.

I'd bite the bullet, invite her, seat her away from you and lose her amongst all the other guests who have your best interests at heart.
Congratulations to you and your fiancè!

crockofshite · 04/08/2024 16:58

Epicaricacy · 04/08/2024 11:57

it depends on the family dynamic.

My family always invite any wedding guests still around for an informal brunch/ lunch. I get on very well with my sisters, we would make a big fuss and bring birthday cake, it would be great.

The remaining sister and I have never really got on. I don't enjoy her company and only tolerate her for my aging parents.
is not quite the same thing. When you can chose any date in the year, the day after the birthday is weird, when she didn't like her sister!

Some people like their birthdays, a 34th is as significant as any birthday for a lot of us.

Show quote history

OP didn't get married on her sister's birthday.

crockofshite · 04/08/2024 16:57

DoreenonTill8 · 31/07/2024 16:30

My thought too!

Show quote history

You're fucking kidding, right?

crockofshite · 04/08/2024 16:54

Ozanj · 31/07/2024 14:44

I think at 58 a second wedding with 60 people is inappropriate. It should be you, your kids, two witnesses. That’s it

Oooooo fun sponge.....

jasminocereusbritannicus · 04/08/2024 15:34

2nd time around wedding it's definitely your choice of who goes! I got married for the second time last year, at the age of 58. I had my children there and my friends. I didn't invite my sister or cousins etc. DH did not invite his siblings. They were, however, welcome to watch the service online. (That's what my elderly dad did).
We had around 40 people to our 'reception' (in a pub).All people who mean something to us, as a couple. It was wonderful.

Alondra · 04/08/2024 15:22

SlidingDoors1 · 31/07/2024 14:39

No you are not being unreasonable

At this point in our lives I think we start to feel comfortable doing what the heck we want to do and not feeling we need to people please

Your sister sounds like shes tried to belitttle you a fair bit...why the heck would you invite that in?

Do not invite and dont bow to pressure xx

This. It's your wedding and at this point in your life, you should be confident to celebrate with the people that really mean something to you.

Your sister is not that person. She's brought nothing positive to your life except grief. Why on earth would you want her in your wedding at this stage of your life?

Whatwouldnanado · 04/08/2024 14:50

Smile and do as you like. I wouldn’t involve her in your Christmas though, seems like inviting more bother. Every happiness to you.

BubblesDE54 · 04/08/2024 14:40

Go to Gretna green with just yours and you DF kids and your mum and his if possible and have a party after your honeymoon, it's your day, her it however u want! X

Aubree17 · 04/08/2024 14:12

Your relationship with your sister is sad.
Does she have any good points?

hildabaker · 04/08/2024 14:09

Congratulations OP! I think there's some people who don't know what it is like to have a horrible family member. What is the point of setting yourself up to be insulted and belittled by your sister?

You're nicer than me, I wouldn't want to see her at Christmas either. She can go and boil her head.

Lavenderandbrown · 04/08/2024 13:49

Yes MN is really out of hand lately. People don’t own days of year. A wedding coincides with someone else’s Bd well double the joy. And certainly you don’t own the day before or after. Two people I know who insist “being celebrated” for a birthday month are selfish and silly to me. Grow up everyone was born.
secondly have the number of people and the kind of people you want at your white dress 60+ people wedding. There is no age limit on celebrating love. You can afford it plan it and do it your way.

my ex dsil was not a bridesmaid. 25 y.o me read a book about choosing your wedding party and excluded her because even then TO ME she was difficult personality. Of course she complained I didn’t talk enough to her husband that the wedding (ha he didn’t talk to me either) and she CONTINUES 27 yrs later to complain disappoint cancel no show and be negative and now she has SM to do it on. She’s jealous. She’s jealous of my daughter’s elegance and beauty and my sons bilingual super brain (and those aren’t their only traits just the ones she’s particularly jealous of) because she herself doesn’t have those traits nor her son. Your sister on some visceral level is jealous and that’s toxic Always will be. Plan and enjoy your fabulous day OP and ignore her and MN. 💍👰🏻‍♀️

JLM1981 · 04/08/2024 13:45

PrimalOwl10 · 31/07/2024 13:41

60 ppl is not a small wedding we had that number and was by no means small. A small wedding would be 20 people. I think your making a massive statement excluding her and inviting everyone else. For a second wedding I'd have a service and go out for a meal. It's usual to have a big wedding second time around.

I had 200 people at my second wedding. It was my husband's first wedding. I don't think it's fair to say a second wedding should be small. It depends on the circumstances. It is often a first wedding for the other party and it's a bit unfair to expect them to have a service and small meal afterwards. What about their friends and family? A wedding is important to both parties whether it's a second wedding or not.

OP it's really up to you but with 60 people going it is going to naturally upset her. You need to decide if you can live with the drama as it sounds like she will make one.

Dinkydo12 · 04/08/2024 13:42

I had a white wedding second time around and only invited people I wanted to be there. Do not feel pressurised to invite her just because. I would let her know your reasons for not inviting her as she probably is so full of herself that she doesn't realise she should have a low profile on the day. Wish you happiness and a wonderful day. Don't be bullied!