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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is completely wrong!? Abuse? I don't even know.

66 replies

ForRubyMentor · 31/07/2024 12:09

Hi all, I posted a few days ago about by partner commenting on how I looked just before we out to the swimming pool. I've been thinking about it alot and how all his behaviour from the past has impacted me - he slept around ALOT. He would go on nights out and bring women back to his and repeatedly lie about it. He slept with two women in one week on the Thursday and Saturday and me in between on the Friday. I then watched him get ready to go out with friends Saturday morning, he told me how much he loved me, kissed me and left. He took a heavily pregnant woman home from a club that night and slept with her.

A few weeks later he slept with another woman after a night out. Lied to me about it repeatedly. Lied straight to my face that night and told me he was alone when really he wasn't. There were more than just these three but there the ones that stick out right now. The last time he cheated was March this year.

Through all this he has said if I ever went near another man he would never see me again. He went MAD about me texting a man I knew one night even though he literally had a woman in his bed that very night having sex with her. He says it would hurt him more than it hurts me.

He promises he is faithful now and at the risk of sounding really stupid I do actually believe him. Things are very different in that sense and I don't think he is actually cheating anymore but my head is a mess with it all. He hurt me so deeply. He destroyed my self esteem. I question everything now. Maybe this is dramatic but I actually feel like I'm changed forever as a person because of this.

Anyway so last night I was very upset and tried to talk to him about how much this had all destroyed me. How it had affected my ability to trust. How I was angry at myself aswell as him for allowing it to happen knowing how much it was affecting my mental health. How I started getting lip filler and had a mole removed, spray tanning and even considered surgery - all things I'd never even thought about before. Some kind of attempt to keep a man who was destroying me!? I don't even know anymore.

Whilst I was crying, he apologised, he hugged me. I was lay on the bed and he liked cuddled into me and I had my arm round him and I was upset but I was starting to calm down and felt a tiny bit closer. Like maybe he really does get how wrong he was.....and he says, I shit you not he says....'I wanna play with your clit'.

Ffs. I give up. I actually give up here. Tears started pouring down my face and I left the room. We've 'spoke' about it this morning and he has zero clue why I was annoyed/upset. Said he was trying to cheer me up.

AIBU to think this is completely fucked!?! This is 100% real unfortunately.

OP posts:
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AgentProvocateur · 31/07/2024 18:22

He’s not your partner - he’s a serial shagger, and you just happen to be who he’s shagging at the moment. Why are you staying with him? He’s a piece of shit. He’s cheated on you repeatedly and will continue to do so. Find your self respect and find a real man.

EdTeach · 31/07/2024 18:14

Stop wasting your life with this absolute tool.

Chocolately · 31/07/2024 18:12

He sounds absolutely revolting, and sorry, but you sound like a mug to put up with him. Bin him off and regain your self respect.

Bananalanacake · 31/07/2024 18:09

I hope he uses condoms with you as any of the other women he's had sex with could have Chlamydia or HIV.

Sunhatweather · 31/07/2024 17:58

I hope your next update here will be telling us you’ve left him. There’s nothing good in that relationship, OP.

CatchHimDerry · 31/07/2024 17:52

These types will never change.
As per PP, STI checks and in the bin 🗑️
Forever
Dont look back.
You can do this, and your life will forever be the better for it

ButterCrackers · 31/07/2024 17:52

Get an STD check up right away.

Didimum · 31/07/2024 17:47

He repeatedly cheated on you and last cheated on you in March and gives you misogynistic comments about your appearance.

Not only is this man a disgusting excuse for a human, I guarantee he is already cheating on you again or will in the blink of an eye.

Leave.

yeesh · 31/07/2024 17:46

He is an utter cunt, why on earth are you with him?

ashitghost · 31/07/2024 17:44

Ugh. He sounds absolutely fucking rancid.

RMNandthensome · 31/07/2024 17:41

You are being unreasonable to still be with him after so many red flags. If you was a friend being told this you would tell them to leave him that he is bad for your health in every way. He has zero respect for you, hard as it is once you remove yourself from this and start healing you will feel soooo much better. This is from someone who has been through something very similar. You deserve better.

PBandJ111 · 31/07/2024 17:02

Yabu if you stay with him.
yanbu as to he is fucked up.

pinkyredrose · 31/07/2024 16:53

Do you live together?

pinkyredrose · 31/07/2024 15:21

Grim. Can't believe you're accepting this.

ColaColaCube · 31/07/2024 15:20

I think this situation says more about you than it does him. He’s shown his true colours, he’s a horrid cheating man.

But I can’t wrap my head round why on earth you have stayed with him? What has made you put up with this? You are a doormat

Leave and get some therapy. You need to work on your self respect and esteem x

RedHelenB · 31/07/2024 15:20

Sunshineafterthehail · 31/07/2024 12:12

He cheats because he can. The only thing to change the cycle is for you to throw him to the dogs and dump him. Or this is your life...

This. He obviously likes sex a lot. Don't think he really wants any sort of partnership with you.

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2024 15:20

Why are you still wasting your life with him? He has no respect for you at all

flyinghen · 31/07/2024 15:18

You already know you need to leave him, it's just a case of when you are ready to do so. I urge you to make it soon for your sake, seriously there is someone out there who will respect you. I also wouldn't believe for a second that he's not cheating on you. He sounds revolting to the extreme and you deserve better. It's not meant to be like this!

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 31/07/2024 15:18

You self esteeem must have been in the floor before you met him. Why would you have even accepted this the first time it happened?

You are looking to someone who is harming you, to heal you.

He isn’t going to be faithful. Because he knows you will stay with him. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about getting his end away

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/07/2024 15:15

Not sure if it's abusive however he is a genuinely awful person who has no respect dor you or your relationship and treats you terribly. In a way it doesn't matter what you call it, it's not acceptable, it's making you miserable, you'll never be able to forget what he has done and he won't change in the future.

Do yourself a favour and dump him, concentrate on being single, getting counselling to figure out why you accepted this behaviour, and work on building your self esteem

TheMightyWanderer · 31/07/2024 15:15

Does this man truly sound like a partner to you? A partner is supposed (on the whole) to make your life better, easier, happier — and they’re supposed to RESPECT you. Is he really doing this? Has he EVER?!

PUT HIM IN THE BIN and spend some time healing. You deserve better.

adviceneeded1990 · 31/07/2024 15:13

When someone shows you who they are, believe them! You can do 100% better and I know that without ever having met you because NO ONE deserves to feel the way you feel about yourself when you are with him. Leave, leave, leave.

ShennyInfinity · 31/07/2024 15:06

BobbyBiscuits · Today 12:14
I'd say the fact that you seem to tolerate his multiple blatant infidelities is more of a worry than his crude sex chat.
Is there a reason why you want to stay with a serial cheat?

This sums it up, you must have a very low esteem or at least have now and I'm not one bit surprised, he's ground you down until you're running on empty. Google serial cheat,it's never going to stop and if you can live with that you're heading for a life of pure hell, but if it was me, I'd be out of there as fast as my legs could carry me. Have you also thought about STDs? I'd be getting myself checked out asap. I'm really sorry you're going through this but there are decent men out there, don't settle for less, you only get one life and you're not living it. you're tolerating it and that's no way to live, don't look back on your life in 20 years time with regrets, you're worth more than this.

HansSolo22 · 31/07/2024 15:05

Tosstyhat · 31/07/2024 12:12

He sounds like a cunt. Leave him.

Couldn’t have worded this any better. Absolutely spot on.

DaisyChain505 · 31/07/2024 15:01

Surely this posts isn’t real?

if by some stretch it is, get some self respect and dump his ass.

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