AIBU to discourage DD's friendship due to the mum?

I'd find it odd that she's making her 8 year old "work" in the summer holidays.
I'm assuming not school work, so chores around the house?
If it's so intense that she can't see her friend, I would be concerned about that to be honest.

That aside though, I think you are right to move on from it.

How can this be managed when in a few years time, the girls get phones and arrange things themselves, only for M’s mum to slam down and cancel it all on a whim? Poor kid.

This. My friend often let's us down so I only mention it last minute.

I imagine poor M is a total anxious wreck and doesn't finish her "work " on time for fear of it being wrong in the mother's eyes.

Exactly. DH and I were both high achievers at school, both school swots but we also did a lot of activities and had parents who knew that holidays meant holidays. We are the same with our son. He does well enough in term time and deserves a break. We do keep up his 'learning' through fun activities so he doesn't even realise he is doing it, make sure he reads and we are screen free. No formal learning, workbooks etc FGS.
He is currently taking it upon himself to be the next Olympics commentator/analyst and is 'reporting' all the swimming events. It's quite funny to see how excited he gets about it and I guess it can all help.

Does the mother do this to others? You said M gets invited out a lot? The mother sounds very inflexible & unreasonable. She's teaching M that it's ok to let a friend down, despite knowing how upsetting that is for an ASD kid. Then instead of taking the blame, she dumps all the guilt onto her 8 year old! That's poisonous frankly. The only way I could see a playdate working would be if M stayed over at a time when it was certain she had no 'work' (is it homework, chores or both?) Maybe during school holidays, pick her up early as possible and take her back the day after. That way the mother can't interfere and you might actually get a nice outing together without the needles stress of mommy dearest throwing a spanner in the works. Otherwise, sadly it all sounds too upsetting to continue. In that case, I'd be inclined to have one last attempt at negotiation where both you & the mother take them somewhere together. Then explain exactly why it's not working and how sad you both are, but if a compromise can't be found you'll have to call it a day for now. Hopefully there are ASD support groups where you might find more understanding families to socialise with.

Your kid may be upset but she is very lucky to have a mum like you instead of a mum like M's. Is M's mum actually your friend then? She sounds extremely controlling of her poor kid.

Anyway you can just take her as you find her, which means that if the opportunity arises to do something and it works out, great. No need to completely ditch the friendship. It will be useful for your daughter to understand that people have different rules and ways of being. I know this is difficult with ASD and your DD may decide she would rather not deal with the uncertainty than have the friend, which is fine too, but if you can model insouciance and 'that's just how she is' ness that will help her (again. I know this is difficult for a child with ASD).

Definitely no hanging around places for other people though. You will need a firm plan for yourselves if others can't provide one. 'We will go to the pool at 1 and if M joins us there we will have fun with her. If she doesn't we will have fun together.' I wouldn't even mention their complicated (and horrid) conditional behaviour setting shit.

M's mum is a shit and I get you were trying to be so flexible and understanding to facilitate the playdate for your daughter's sake. It's so sad, my child doesn't have Aspergers but she is an only child and loved a popular kid with a flaky mum. It was a nightmare but I tried really hard to reassure my daughter it wasn't because of her. Sadly in primary school a lot of the friendships are down to the mums.
Edited to stay on topic

To be fair, that's not an unreasonable way for her to view it. If M really wanted to go, knowing her mother enforces these rules, she would have done the work. My 2.5 year old can understand the concept of "if you don't tidy this, you don't get to do x" so an 8 year old can.

Appreciate at 8 they may not fully make that connection. But it is there, in part, and M has made that decision whether it was deliberately or not.

Maybe let your DD decide whether she wants to keep waiting for M to turn up to places or not?

This is probably the most sensible advice.

The mother sounds unhinged. I'd stop pushing the friendship and concentrate on others. I feel sorry for her dd.

You shouldn't keep telling your DD that M is coming when you know her mum is flaky and cancels a lot - it's not fair.

Just arrange to go somewhere and if M turns up - great. If not, well, DD won't know either way so won't get upset.

You and your dd need better friends the adult sounds ridiculous what "work" does the 8 year old have to do that constitutes not having a day out with friends, poor M as an aside I'd maybe would have cancelled on them and just took your Dd swimming on your own telling her they couldn't come because M's mum had cancelled because she couldn't make the time you had arranged.

Oh this has sent a shiver down my spine.

My parents used to be exactly like M’s parents, and it was so embarrassing and humiliating for me as a child. You’re absolutely spot on: M’s parents really don’t care at all about anyone else’s children. It’s all about them, their children, their household, their choices, their values. The only redeeming quality they seem to have is being honest with you.

I think your DD’s diagnosis is a red herring in this context. I wouldn’t want my DD to be held hostage like this, Asperger’s or not. M’s mum isn’t a friend to you. It doesn’t take much to say “well, you haven’t done your 20 minutes of maths, but Sally is waiting now and you can’t let her down either. You’ll just have to do 40 minutes when you get back”.

I lost so many little friends as a young girl because of my parents 😔. As an adult, I now totally understand those girls’ parents, one of whom ranted and raved at my dad down the phone about how awful he was for letting her DD down the way he did. she was completely in the right. And of course, I raise my D.C. totally differently.

Separately, your DD will find her niche. More friends will come. You need friends who respect you and your children, your DD needs friends who respect her and whose parents respect her and her mum. Don’t put your DD through this.

And poor little M 😢😢

Exactly. The Tiger Mum in the book put hours of music practice before anything. Holidays and visits to Grandparents all ruined as the children had to not just do the practice but have achieved the required goal of learning a tricky few bars or whatever.
Amazed her husband put up with it.

Since the other Mum is not prioritising her own's DD's friendships, your own DD is only going to be caught up in that. This would be hard enough for a NT 8 yo, never mind one with Asperger's.

I feel for the other young girl.

Right so you dont really like the mum - and this just worsens it - i would slowly let the friendship fade.

I agree with this. It sounds like it's good for her to have some friends. I'm sorry your daughter is having a hard time at the moment, it must be very hard for you both

I would not initiate anything with them. The mum is teaching her DD that it is OK to mess people around and be flakey.

The mum sounds horrible TBH, and I would distance myself.

If her "excuses" are true then I foresee a massive teenage rebellion and her DD going off the rails. I mean - what "work" does an 8 year old have to do during the school holidays, other than tidying her room or similar?

I'm sorry your DD doesn't have many friends. Are there any groups she could join that might help - brownies?

The flip side is these children with very strict parents are also likely to be short of friends and probably adore any opportunity to be with a more forgiving family.

My DD had a friend with strict parents and who was literally never taken to any attractions or anything. They were always a joy to have over as so polite and appreciative.

But the last minute cancellations must be very annoying especially if you have paid for something up front. You need to find a way to manage that.

Children of Tiger Mums have a tough time.

I wouldn’t even tell her she was going to see her until you know M is on the way. M’ms mum is a rude jerk though.

You can't expect Ms mum to parent differently to suit your DDs needs. If those are her rules for M, then so be it, and if your DD interprets that in a personal way, then it's up to you to manage that. You have two options, stop the friendship, which is easier for you, but harsh on DD and M, or work with what you have, which would be to manage DDs expectations. So wherever possible don't tell her M is coming or stress its only a maybe. If it were me, I'd have got DD enthused about our trip to the pool, then if M showed up, even better.

So are the friend meet-ups always preceded by a task?
Why doesn't M's mum just do the meet up/ party and worry about the tidy bedroom or schoolwork another time? Maybe she doesn't want to?
I feel bad for your DD and I feel bad for you having to manage her disappointment.

The one I feel most sorry for here is poor M. Imagine growing up with a mother like that. It’s summer, forget homework, let the poor kid go to the pool!