AIBU to discourage DD's friendship due to the mum?

Never mind your dd - I couldn't stand this woman myself. I don't know how you've managed to stand her this long. But similarly, wouldn't want to punish her dd for her mother's batshitery either. I would say as pp - do not use my dd to punish yours and if that made no headway - it would be the end.

That's annoying but it sounds like she told you she needed to do her work so the time could change and it sounds like you know she won't take her out if she hasn't done her work.

Either don't agree to meet if it's not definite or don't tell your DD they are coming.

Also agree it's a bit early to head down at 12 if she said they'd come at 1:30 (if I understood correctly)

I wouldn't discourage the friendship as such, but I wouldn't put myself in a situation where your dd's day depends on someone who's a flakey attender.

Obviously the other mum is being an inconsiderate arse, but there's nothing you can do about it.

I think it's best just to leave that one to the group meet ups.

We arranged to meet M at the pool yesterday, and M's mum warned me that M had to do her work first. She texted at 12 to say our agreed 1.30 meet was unlikely. At 3 I messaged asking how long she'd be as DD was getting upset & going back & forth to the pool entrance every 5 mins looking for her

You appear to have caused the issue though. The other mum did the right thing and contacted you prior to say it was looking unlikely they’d be going to the arranged play date at the pool (as that’s exactly what is read by what you have written, not that they would be going later at some unspecified time), yet you didn’t tell your DD in advance that the play date would now be unlikely to occur. Instead, for some reason, you went to the pool and waited for someone who told you they were not coming until you heard otherwise. So, your DD was upset due to your actions, not that of the other mum.

My daughter is autistic and I would be livid if another mum did this.

Come on....nobody can think its ok to mess other kids around like this.

I would have a word with the mum and explain that DD’s diagnosis means that this sort of thing is unsettling to her and that if she doesn’t change her approach you will discourage the friendship. It does seem a shame and the other mum sounds like a bit of a dick. Also what is the “work” this 8yo girl is needing to do? Chores? In any event I get that not going to stuff can be a punishment but when you have promised someone else you can’t just not turn up.

Basically said don’t use my child to punish yours. He’s a real little person and not a prop for you to use in discipline.

This is good! I’d respond with that but expect the mum to take it badly!

M's Mum sounds terrible. I'd not necessarily discourage DD from the friendship but I wouldn't encourage it either and would stop inviting M anywhere. If M's Mum invites DD, I'd say:

""I truly am sorry to disappoint you, but hope you can understand seeking to lovingly parent my children, protecting them from being let down by unreliable friends & teaching them not to accept anything less, is and always will be my priority."

I still feel really sorry for M being stuck with her though.

I’m of the same mindset of your friend. Discipline however you like but if your punishments encroach onto punishing my child too then I won’t be encouraging meet ups. Fair play to you for seeing her point.

OP, I know that you’re trying to balance things for your DD’s sake, but don’t let that turn into accepting toxic behaviour. I feel very sorry for the little girl who is her friend but it’s teaching your dd some really bad lessons about her own self esteem. A handful of friends is better than lots of people who walk all over you.

My son’s best friend didn’t turn up for his birthday party because his mum said he’d been naughty. I was secretly furious as by stopping her son from going she greatly upset my son not having his best friend there. Shitty parenting in my books.

Sorry not aiming my venom at you lol.

I’d stop inviting M and focus on building other friendships. The mum sounds like an incredible arse and I feel very sorry for M.
And her message is shitty.

My dd is autistic and wouldn’t cope with the surprise element if i didn’t tell her someone was coming, and would then hope she might turn up every time we went out!

Is M home educated? Is it that kind of work she is doing or something else?

Basically said don’t use my child to punish yours. He’s a real little person and not a prop for you to use in discipline.

That was perfect on the part of your friend. And good on you for recognising her point @BaselineDrop .

@WelcomeToMonkeyTown could you use that to respond to her little lecture?

She's just making excuses. She don't want
Her daughter mixing with your daughter .

I'm sorry for you both, your friend hasn't considered your daughter at all. Anyone who cared and understood how upsetting it would be to her would have turned up regardless. I wouldn't put your daughter through this again, she deserves better and so do you.

Hey OP, my eldest has Autism and struggles with changes and disappointment too.
One of the things that helps us is saying something like "On Monday our plan is to do X. However, if anything happens and we can't, we're going to do Y instead." Or better still, to let him feel like he's still in control of things, we'll say that he can choose between Y and Z if X doesn't go to plan.

It’s even harder for your dd, but most people would find this very annoying, never knowing if an arrangement is likely to happen or not! I can see that M’s mother wants to be consistent but imo her approach is wrong. She needs to avoid these ultimatums right before engagements or commitments. If she won’t agree to that at least in your case then I would let the friendship lapse, more trouble than it is worth. I doubt you’ll be the only one.

Either M won't ever be allowed out anyway, or there will be a massive kick-off one day when another tween ends up alone in town (initially unbeknownst to their parents) because M was pulled out of meeting them there at the last minute.

I had a friend do this to someone else. She cancelled the play date because of her 6 year olds dds ‘poor behaviour’ (nothing crazy, just normal kid stuff).

Friend was telling me about it and said ‘I’m Sure they understand’. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wouldn’t ‘understand’ if she ever punished my dd for her dds mistakes, and that if she did it would be the last time her dd was invited. She seemed to genuinely not have considered the impact of cancelling on the other (totally innocent) child.

The friendship ended a couple of years later over an unrelated issue, but it was another ‘control’ one. Looking back I wish I’d distanced myself a bit then let the girls work out their own friendship once they had phones.

Fwiw I do think it can be part of a pattern of emotional abuse and manipulation to say ‘if you really cared about your friend you’d do what I want. See look now you’ve upset her.’ It’s also a way to isolate the child from friends as most people won’t put up with it. I

It’s horrible for the child but sadly there’s not much you can do until she’s a bit older and you can offer her safe haven at yours.

I agree with this. When my kids were younger a close friend of mine used to do this kind of stuff and my kids would be left upset and disappointed. I learnt to not mention anything so if it happened great for them and if not a silent sigh from me and my kids knew no better.

Just don't tell DD you are arranging a play date. Next time you arrange to meet at the pool just don't tell her. Let her think it's just you and her going to the pool, then if her friend turns up it will be a surprise. She may well have a point anyway, if her friend wanted to see her she wouldn't mess about not doing her chores when she knows what the consequence will be.

" We don't see M often as she's very busy and very popular - always out at parties or play dates."

So M must get her "work done" on all those very many occasions then

Nah couldn't be doing with this. Also can't believe that M is that popular if she pulls this shit all the time. Meant to meet at 130 and still not there by 3???? That's just plain rude. If they did that once that would be it for me.

That mum sounds horrible and a bully. She's punishing both your children, over minor things e.g. cleaning the bedroom. My daughter had a friend, who's mum would always be late or cancel at the last minute. Once we waited 1.5 hours in the park. We'd had enough of hanging around, and bumoed into them on the way out! My daughter would get upset because her friend didn't show up, because they had to do something else?! I'd had enough of it so told her, we won't leave the house unless they messaged saying they had left the house. I stopped telling my daughter about the play dates, we'd just leave at the last minute if it happened. That friendship frizzled out thank goodness, as the mum was difficult to arrange play dates with.

I did this once or twice with my eldest.
My friend gave me a right bolllocking. Basically said don’t use my child to punish yours. He’s a real little person and not a prop for you to use in discipline.

I hadn’t really thought. Big apologies and I didn’t do it again.